I'm hoping to get some input to pass along from WW's who've been thick in the fog, full of toxic aliens and recovered. I believe this information will be invaluable to BH's in helping them deal with life. Please post whether you stayed married or not - please offer your story.

Questions:

1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?

2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what?

3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?

4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?

5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why?

Thanks All!

FR

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Fishracer ]</small>

As a BH, I just want to Thank You for this thread, I'm really looking forward to the responses.

Hi FR,

Okay, I’ll have a go at these.

1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?

I never really did realize it. People kept asking me if I was okay because I had changed but during the A it never really dawned on me that I acted any different. It only wasn’t until afterward – way afterward like when the fog had really started to lift did I then see how I changed during the A.

2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what

No, not one person could pull me out of it. My husband helped me once I ended the A but there was nothing that anyone could have done while I was in the affair.

3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?

Heck yah – daily! I didn’t think I was hurting my husband at the time though because in my mind I hadn’t changed. To be quite honest I thought my husband was kind of clueless to the whole situation. There wasn’t any situation per say but I knew what I was doing was wrong because 1) I’m a Christian and 2) There would be no way my husband would have approved of my actions had he found out.

I guess what kept me leaving the fog was the fact that I was so addicted to the OM or should I say the way he made me feel. He pursued me, made me feel like I was the center of his universe. It was very hard to let that go, even though it was all wrong. I would go into work thinking, “Okay, I’m not going to talk to OM today.” I would be bound and determined and then I get to work and I would receive my morning e-mail from him and then it was all downhill from there.

4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?

I think the first thing that helped was my husband finding out about the affair and seeing the actual damage I had caused. Up until that time I didn’t think my husband had a clue and then I saw that I totally destroyed him emotionally and even physically from what I had done. I saw the pain on his face that night and it’s still burned into my brain. That one night was the moment that I knew it had to end, that the reality of the affair is terribly painful and it not only damaged me but the man I married as well.

Since then it was just combination maintaining NC, going through the withdrawal, marriage and individual counseling that has led to the fog lifting. I still have moments, don’t get me wrong but I know that they will pass and I just wait them out. Kind of like when I quit smoking. The urge for a cigarette would hit and I knew it would go away after some time, just like it had before, so I would wait it out.

It’s so similar to a substance addiction it’s scary. I have battled smoking for years and it’s just amazing how similar the two, A and substance abuse, are.

4: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why?

Yes I am afraid, very much afraid. I never thought it would happen to me - that I would go outside of my marriage, and I did. So if it happened to me once, it can happen again, right? I have learned never to say never.

I have however put up walls to guard against this happening again. I no longer am as flirtatious with men as I use to be. I tell my husband about the people I talk to via e-mail here at work and at home and if he wants to see them that’s fine with me. Well he can’t see them here at work but if he were here he could, I don’t care. My male friends also have to be friends with my husband, if not then they are not a friend. I think the main thing though that has stopped me from breaking NC time and time again is the look on my husbands face on d-day. I never EVER want to do that to him again.

I hope I don’t get 2x4’d with this; these are just honest answers to the questions listed above.

chackler:

Thank you for the poignant answers. I realize that these questions may cause a litle pain; but I believe the answers will do a world of good and appreciate you for offering your story!

For what it's worth: I believe that you are truly sorry and will not do it again. I am also happy for you that BH stayed and you 2 have worked things out. Good Luck!

FR

Fish:

Suggestion: You should post this in the "In Recovery" Section as well. It's more likely more FWW will be there to answer.

Dleighton, actually most of us FWW are here on GQII.

I'm just going out the door to work (different time zone) and the questions need a bit of thinking about so I'll think about them today, FR, and will post later.


Jen

dleightonc:

Thanks. Duly noted and done.

FR

Questions: 1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?

It took the A to be over for about two years for me to realize that I was not myself with FOM, that I was acting out a fantasty of sorts.2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what? I do believe, though will never know for sure, that if my H had confronted with evidence of the A I would have bottomed out of the fog pretty quickly. Part of me was aware of the double life I was leading and I don't think I had any intent of leaving my H.3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog? I stupidly tried to convince myself that my H didn't love me, therefor I was not hurting him. It was my children that really eventually pulled me out of the A. Not to mention extreme guilt over behavior that I now know was out of character for me. 4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all? I started seeing the FOM for what he truly was. 5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why? NO, emphatically NO I have experienced this he!! from both sides and it does not solve a d*mn thing except make life more confusing, painful and sickening.

Hope this helps you FR. It is really hard to come out like this as a FWS. You run the risk of being 2X4'd.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope this helps you FR. It is really hard to come out like this as a FWS. You run the risk of being 2X4'd </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">faithful follower:

First; thank you for sharing with us. Yes; I realize that anyone who opens up and shares their story with us is taking the chance of getting 2x4'd. Given the sensitive nature of this topic and the fact that people like you are stepping out on a limb for someone else's potential gain; I don't foresee much if any lambasting. You have my word that "I've got your back" if anyone were to slip up. I cannot delete another's post; but I will protect "after the fact" as much as I can.

As a BH; I can tell you that this type of information is invaluable to men; who have the insatiable desire to "understand" what happened and why. It goes along with our "fix-it" mentality - which is why I'm only asking WW's to answer. Thank you again for sticking your neck out.

Also; does it feel good to know that by sharing your story with us, you may help save a marriage/family in trouble? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

FR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also; does it feel good to know that by sharing your story with us, you may help save a marriage/family in trouble </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the only reason I would stick my neck out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i will attempt to answer but it will have to wait till perhaps tommorow or thurs, too much going on in the head right now. but i saw this and just wanted to let you know, i will be back.

1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?
About a year after NC.

2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what?

No, it was something I had to do. I'd have seen any efforts to "get me to stop" as intervening, meddlesome, and irritating. If anything, I'd have dug my heels in harder and rebelled.

On second thought, if H had told me how he felt (angry, scared, vulnerable, sad, hurt, whatever) and why, I would have listened. I thought he simply didn't care about me when in fact he was probably putting up a protective shell.

3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?
My moments of clarity were feeling scared that H would find out how I felt about OM. I'd like to add, though, that mine was an EA and we never did the mushy talk nor made future plans or anything like that. No gifts, no secret email accounts. The affair was in my thoughts and feelings, and I was afraid H would find out what I was thinking and how I was feeling. It never got to the point where there was anything tangible to discover.

4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?
Having survived my H's EA with OW, and knowing how painful that was. I didn't want to go "down the slippery slope". It was only afterward (long afterward) that I realized how far I'd already travelled. At the time I thought I was preventing disaster, now I know I was extricating myself from it after the fact.

It was still very hard. I was giving up an old friend, and I grieved the friendship. It was very much like suddenly being told I can't ever contact one of my old girlfriends again. No sounding board, no unconditional acceptance, no knowing that person is "in your corner" should you ever need them. I hung in there and stuck it out (NC) because I knew so many people testified it was absolutely necessary. I know that if a lot of people with experience and hindsight say something is absolutely necessary, there is probably wisdom in their advice. I did NC on faith.

5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why? Sometimes I am so sick with the knowledge that I hurt my H - who is by far the dearest most precious person to me on this earth - that I cannot imagine I would EVER hurt him in a similar fashion again. I take precautions so that those first steps toward infidelity simply aren't possible. Other times yes, I'm scared. It happened once, when I knew the cost, and the warning signs. What if I don't see them in the future? Usually I feel like the person wondering if they're sane: when you quit wondering about your own sanity is when you're really in trouble. As long as I worry some, I think it's good. It keeps me actively working on making my M as good as it can be.

1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?

In 25 words or less? LOL. I guess you realize you’re going to be getting some long answers!

There is an ongoing debate here as to whether WS’s are not themselves during an A, or if an A is when their real selves come out, but I did feel like I really wasn’t myself during the A - sort of like “temporary insanity” - but I don’t mean that to be an excuse for any of my behavior. I feel like I was just as shocked as anyone else about what I had done – that it didn’t fit my personality or belief system to do the things I did during the A.

Every area of my life was out of whack at the time I began e-mailing an old bf. I was unhealthy physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Instead of addressing my problems in an honest, healthy way, I chose to wallow in self-pity and resentment, and allowed my life to spiral out of control.

It was a long, drawn-out process as I came apart by inches. During the week that the A turned physical, I noticed the concerned looks on a couple of my friends’ faces. I regretted the physical contact with FOM immediately, and realized what a nightmare I had created. One gf finally said that she was worried that I was having a nervous breakdown. That shocked me enough to make me really look at the shape I was in. I returned home and began working on my issues one at a time. I confessed the A to my H, went to a doctor for female problems, went to IC and MC, and counseled with our pastor.

2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what?

One of my regrets is that I didn’t go talk to our pastor’s wife. I drove past our church every day (on my way to work) and felt very drawn to go talk to her, but I was embarrassed, and I was also stubbornly stuck in my “do what I want to do” mode. I suspected (correctly) that she would have lovingly helped me make the right decisions, and given me resources to work on my M. After d-day, my H and I counseled with her H, and the first thing he did was give us HNHN.

3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?

I was filled with so much resentment for my H that I wasn’t considering his feelings at all.

My kids were older teenagers, and I convinced myself they didn’t need me or care about me being present in their lives. I was in an extreme state of feeling sorry for myself.

Denial kept me from leaving the fog. Every step of the way, I kept telling myself, “I won’t let it go any further than this,” but, obviously, I did keep letting it go further.

4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?
5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why?

I really WANTED to get out of the fog, and spent quite a lot of effort and energy (blood sweat and tears) coming out of it. The year after d-day was full of fear and panic. I NEVER want to go back there again. My life is going in such a better direction that I don’t fear the fog. I see the reality of what happened with FOM, so I don’t worry about wanting to return to him. I’m ever aware of maintaining a safe distance from the opposite sex. One of the changes in my life is that we’re very much more involved in church, and our pastor and his wife know about my A, so I have people close by to keep me accountable.

I hope this information helps someone and doesn't hurt anyone!

God bless,

Rose

1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?

I think I never was "not myself", just a very exaggerated and negative version of myself.... However, a few days after I was exposed, I realized that I didn't want to be that person anymore, the one who lies and cheats and says horrible things behind my fella's back... I didn't know that I was capable of the things I did, and when I discovered that I really was this really BAD person who made really bad decisions, I rethought my personal philosophy a great deal. It wasn't so much that it wasn't me, it was that I didn't want that in my life anymore.

2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what?

No way... I did not think what I was doing was wrong... it was "Just online" after all. I never met any of them, and I had the belief at the time that cheating was meeting someone and having sex with them in person... I didn't see airing my dirty laundry to my "friends" or cybering as being unfaithful, but I knew it would hurt OAK if he found out, so I never told him... once I realized that all of this was not true (once again, a few days, up to a few months after I was exposed), my entire outlook changed fairly quickly considering my fairly extreme beliefs on the subject.

3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?

I always knew that the intimate parts of my A's were potentially damaging... but I didn't think what I was doing was any worse than, say, watching pornography or calling a 900 number... I was deluding myself into thinking that it didn't matter.. but deep down, I knew it was a very harmful thing to OAK and me. I didn't leave, because, well... I didn't want to give up the people I saw as very good friends.... I couldn't choose... and I couldn't do what I saw as abandoning someone that I cared about.

4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?

Easy... getting exposed, and readdressing my priorities. I realized that the people I was interacting with, and the people I was having affairs with, were just illusions, and that I had the real thing sitting right there with me all along.

5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why?

I don't think I'll ever be like I was, no... I was in such a different place in my head then than I am now, and I would rather cut my own arm off than think the way I used to.

This is a great thread! It's nice to hear everyone's story and like FF said, if we can help a marriage/family then all the better!

FR,

I also just answered on the 'In Recovery' board.
Hope its helps!

I answered on the Recovery board.

CC

chackler, faithful follower, turtlehead, Rose55, FallingUp, smur, and to those who will post soon: chackler, faithful follower, turtlehead, Rose55, FallingUp, smur, and to those who will post soon:

Thank you for re-opening a dark part of your lives so that a few hurting husbands may better understand what happened to their world. My hope with this thread was to offer information to those men who love their WW’s and also to those who are no longer with their WW’s. We may have also gotten lucky in that the WW’s who participate(d) on here have received a little positive therapy by perhaps helping to save one or more families from this life-affecting ordeal. My hat’s off to you ladies for doing this.

To you ladies I offer this small bit of inspiration with thanks:

Every mistake is a lesson and every opportunity is a blessing.

FR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />