I'm still the guy's wife...nothing legal has been executed BUT he's out there obviously loving someone else and wants the world to know about it.

I asked God for a sign...just tell me, God that I'm standing for the right thing...should I still believe fervently in restoration? Or should I just get my a** to a lawyer's office and put something together that protects me and my daughter...

So I guess the sign came wrapped up like this...called my long time electrician friend...have known him since I was five years old...my H and I have enjoyed his family's company many times...this guy is one of the most honest and sincere people I have known...he's always looking out for me and KNOWS that I have been hurting for a long time...also knows that nothing has been legalized...

well, when I called him, he sounded somewhat surprised...but I guess, he took my call as his sign that he needed to tell me so he said he was at a movie at his wife and saw my H with someone other than his wife...and "she doesn't hold a candle to you"...I was a little shocked but OKAY...I mean it has to happen,right? Obviously, he doesn't care about me or respect me enough to have even told me he would start "coming out"...he just missed a few steps like getting rid of his first wife.

This guy called me twice later in the day to leave a message letting me know i)he wanted to yank my H but his wife stopped him and ii)that he was worried about me and would always be there for me.

There are some nice people out there.

I just don't want to see him for awhile. He's leaving for a skiing trip with the boys on Wednesday. Doesn't come back until Tuesday. Me...well, I'm going to Vegas for the weekend coincidentally.

I just needed to touch base with people that know and understand the pain.

Terrified... I have been wondering about you .... I would say it is time to let go - though never easy and live your life - Who cares who files - he is like you said obviously moving on without you and your feelings - so do it legally - Time for you to start over new.... You have waited patiently for a long time...

Hi T,

Been wondering about you and Topie also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry the idiot is still wandering around as such. Do you think you are ready to take steps to move forward yet?

The boy will meet the end of the road soon. If he heads towards it with his eyes close (as he has been), then he will crash. You and your D need t/b at a safe distance when that happens. His chances of survival are not known yet because he doesn't even know his eyes are closed.

Right now you can't do anything to open them. Warning him and trying to work with him as you have been has not been appreciated. That is not your fault, it is solely his.

T, how can we help you move forward? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Hi Maw and Orchid, Thank-you for replying to my hidden SOS...

I guess I have no idea how to find joy in the right places. I have no idea why I haven't given up on my marriage.

I need to redirect my energies without feeling the painful loss of the past...echoing in my mind.

I try so hard sometimes to do this...and then get shocked into realizing he's just not coming back to the marriage.

And I then receive his pensionfund statement in the mail...beneficiary...wife...still me.

Just not enough execution for closure...

One more thing...Orchid...when you ask am I ready to take the steps to move forward...are you asking whether I am ready to file? If so, are you ever ready or do you just go through the motions? If not, what other steps are there that are considered moving forward???

In my mind, there's only one option for full closure. And I will never be ready BUT...someone must execute. And Maw, does it matter who does it? Well, in my mind, it does. Why should I do the work to give HIM half??

Hey I don't think that you are actually legally able to change the beneficiary from your wife if you are still legally married... I think that most of them by law have to be your spouse - I could be wrong - but I believe that is how it is on my pension fund... Kind of a standard thing. And ok I agree with the why should I file I don't want this divorce - he did it not me - but OK lets look at this - if you are worried about him getting half of everything - well actually your house goes up in value all of the time - if you continue paying for it by yourself - and then you go and end up getting divorced in say four years well then there is more equity and he is getting more of your equity...I mean you guys have been doing this forever.. I am not sure what is right .. to end it - or not to end it - but you guys are doing nothing... He is going on with his life and you are sitting there wondering is he coming home - oh maybe not he is dating someone else.... That is the part that I find hard to understand... You are not doing anything to take a stand - You haven't told him that - OK I love you I want our marriage to work - Or screw you I have had enough - you just say nothing.... I honestly don't know how you do it... I would have been a nutcase by now... I actually went through my divorce and it has been two years now - did I want it - nope... But you know what - he became a stranger to me - that person that I used to love -went away... I don't understand I guess how you can still want someone who has basically done NOTHING - one way or another for a couple of years... I just wonder what are you waiting for ??? And I don't mean to be mean - I just am trying to understand - I really am.. I sometimes wonder could I have been you - if I didn't push my divorce forward and held on ...

MAW,
Actually.....he can change the beneficiary on his pension if he wants to. My H did only 1 week after he moved out the 3rd time. The time when he was supposedly seeking a D. He replaced me with his parents. That has since been changed back.

T's H is just an a$$. He's been at this for so long now that it's just his nature.

T, I would have thought that you would have reached the end of your rope by now. I've been wondering how you and your DD have been.

I hate to say it.....but it seems so unhealthy...mentally...for you to keep hanging on when he just goes on his merry way.

Hi Maw,

Well, in Canada, you change your beneficiary at any time...it can be anyone. Re:the value of our home and other assets, the valuation will be dated as of the date of his departure from the matrimonial home which is October 2001 per my lawyer.

So...what do I have to gain? Nothing except for extra grunt work which I don't have time for...let him do it. Going back 3 years for credit cards, bank statements, real estate valuation...HUGE!!!

Everything we have we built together...I believe he has a hard time letting go of...that's the old guy...

OK only you can decide.... What is right for you - I truly wish you the best... but I also think that instead of waiting for him you should take a stand for yourself.. and make yourself a wonderful happy life.... Good Luck...

Maw...I'm trying to find that happiness. I just don't need a divorce to do it...or another man right NOW.

What I do need is to be able to stop crying right now...he still calls my mother MA, for god's sake...just this morning!!!

I just want to find peace within myself and feel good about the life I'm giving my daughter.

I'm trying to find that happiness.

I totally disagree with you...you try to find happiness in a situation that makes you totally unhappy...so you will never be happy where you are at this moment...this year...last year...the year before.... YET you do NOTHING to change your situation in ANY direction....

just don't need a divorce to do it...or another man right NOW.

so when are you, my dear friend, going to tell your husband that you would like to work this out with him...that you desire to be with him.....

when?????????????????

why not send him flowers this valentines day....?
why not???

what is there to lose??

what is there???

you gotta throw a stone to get the pool to ripple...but I do believe I have said that to you before.....

ark

I agree with Ark - I don't think that you can find happiness because well you are not happy.... There is to much unrest to find any kind of peace... And like Ark says you have to tell your husband that you want to be with him.. And if he says yes - then start making up for lost time and if he says no - then start making a new life - you cannot live in this unrest any longer... And I am not talking about divorce or another man - I am talking about finding your inner peace... Which will only be found once all of your questions are answered...But first you must ask them ...

Maw...I'm trying to find that happiness. I just don't need a divorce to do it...or another man right NOW.

I agree that you don't need another man right now...but I don't agree that you can remain "married" to this man and find happiness.

He is a millstone around your neck. You have not removed yourself emotionally from him...and until you do that, you will not find that happiness.

Now, what is it gonna take for you to remove yourself emotionally?

I propose that some type of Plan is in order...Plan B...or Plan D.

The man has ZERO respect for you...and I'm beginning to think that he likes staying married to you...simply because it is convenient for him to tell these OW that he is "married". It prevents anything long term from developing with them.

He likes it like it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So....I, for one, think that YOU need to take control and charge of your life.

You are stuck in the "if I file for divorce it gives him what he wants and I'm not going to do all that work for him". That is the wrong attitude to take IMHO.

committed

P.S. By doing NOTHING...you have handed him all the power and control by default. So, he's driving the train...got to accept the ride, or get off at the station. Which is it gonna be?

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Hello everyone and thank-you,

First things first...let me clarify. He does not want to come back to our marriage. He has most recently stated that he has no desire to do this. He has found love in other places.

No, I'm not ready for plan D but a plan B, which can eventually lead to the full emotional detachment that I need for Plan D, is the most I can handle right now.

I don't disagree with any of you.

Honestly, I thought I had fallen in love with someone else. Not that the person knew I did...but this last week has thrown me a little off kilter and back into reality. The rush of the fantasy in my mind with this other person was amazing...however, MB has taught me so many things about the RUSH. I had asked God to help me with the RUSH...I didn't want to act on it but the force was pretty strong. I guess this was His way.

Thanks to MB, I feel like I'm so ahead of my H and a few other people when it comes to marriage and relationships.

Terrified... I really hope that I don't sound like I don't understand - I fully understand - I mean take it from me I am 2 years divorced and truthfully I am over the whole husband aspect of my marriage but I am not over the fact that he ruined my family and that I am now a single mother with alot of repsonsibilities that I never bargained for... But I do feel at peace because I am divorced -- I am not legally tied to the person that has betrayed me and ruined my family... And not talking to him is the only way that I find peace... He can still get to me - and unfortunately I still let him.. It is a process.. Have I moved on in the relationship department - nope not at all -- but someday I will be ready for a new relationship - in the meantime I am being a parent - actually the only parent to my girls and not letting him get to me... But I will tell you - after my exhusband told me that he wanted a divorce because he didn't want to be married to me - and that he had cheated on me - I did everything - I got the lawyer - we filed jointly but he did nothing.. I got everthing in order and I did it all - because I didn't think that it was fair to any of us - And frankly if I had waited for my exhusband we would probably still be married... So sometimes -regardless of who wants what - you have to do what is right - if there is not any hope for your marriage then really what is the point on holding on to nothing.... It is time to grieve and not worry about who did what first...

***The man has ZERO respect for you...and I'm beginning to think that he likes staying married to you...simply because it is convenient for him to tell these OW that he is "married". It prevents anything long term from developing with them.***

I think this hits it squarely on the head.

Terri, if you like enabling his playboy ways and letting him use you and your child as a shield to keep his girlfriends hanging (some of whom could well be married as well,) then go right on doing nothing except hoping he'll come back.

If you want to get legal protection from the damage and destruction this man has heaped on your family, then get up, take control, file for divorce, and begin looking ahead to the rest of your life.

I am sorry for what has happened to you. I really am. Your WH seems to have not one drop of integrity, maturity, or respect. But it's even worse watching you sit helplessly waiting for him to come back to you, watching life go by because you are paralyzed and in limbo.

If you get a divorce, you and your child will be protected from further WH damage. And you know what? Should he get a personality transplant, you can always get back together with him after divorce. Plenty of couples have done this. And if you don't, at least you will have a real life instead of this paralyzing limbo that is a horrible example for your young daughter.

Good luck. You did the best you could for your marriage. Now do the best you can for you and your child.
Mulan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First things first...let me clarify. He does not want to come back to our marriage. He has most recently stated that he has no desire to do this. He has found love in other places.

No, I'm not ready for plan D but a plan B, which can eventually lead to the full emotional detachment that I need for Plan D, is the most I can handle right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There you go....sounds like you have made a "decision" on what to do.

Now, what about a timeframe? Now...tomorrow...next week...?

A Plan B letter is usually in order when there is an affair that you want ended and your lovebank hasn't reached zero yet. It could still apply in your situation I imagine.

I know that there are some 'standard' type of letters out there, you might need to tweak it to suit your need to get him to understand.

You want some people to help you with that?

committed

Your WH is miserable. I believe (from your posts etc.) that you are a family of strong faith. He can't reconcile what he's done with his beliefts. He has tremendous guilt -- and he's probably angry with you because of it. I know that probably makes no sense but I always had so much anger at my XH for letting me down. For not meeting my needs and I blamed him for leaving me vulnerable to my affair.

Your WH needs to reach a point of forgiving himself before he is going to be able to be civil or decent to you. He's had a history of being emotionally cruel and abusive to you.

He's stuck. And you're staying stuck with him. Thats up to you.

Personally I don't think his ego will allow him to come back to you. And you are the most convenient outlet for all of his guilt and anger. Its up to you how long you stay in this toxic situation.

Isn't life really short? If I live to be 80 -- its HALF OVER. Have you stopped to think about what those last 20 years are going to be like? Physically lots more difficult.

Now is the time to enjoy life. I don't know how you can do that with that crabby *** coming around all the time.

Just my opinion. Cut him loose. Let him be grumpy elsewhere. Find someone who will cherish you and Jenna.