Should I move out? After 17 relationship, 12 years of marriage and two small kids (3 & 6) My wife gave me the papers. I read three of Dr. Harley's books and lots of others to find out where I lost my wife. I'm trying to build her emotional needs back (communication & affection) but she wants me to move out <BR>( I work out of the house (14 years) and spend lots of time with my kids here at home)<BR>She finally agreed to see a marriage counselor to help ME, I been twice she been once and we will go togther I hope next week.<BR>She wants me out and I left the first week to give he some space and help me think. Now I got some strange calls from the wife of a GOOD FRIEND, she says he wants a divorce (three days after I got it) and he has been talking alot to my wife and admitted his has always had feelings for her ( We have known him for about 8 years) and a AFFAIR OF THE HEART. She of course says the just talk on the phone too much and has agreed not to speak to him until after whatever happens to us. I have been nice trying to build love units but she does not want to spend time with me together, this makes it hard, the kids see through, and we sleep in separate rooms ( three weeks). She has her girl friends she runs to and talks, but they say she holds it all in. ( I MISSED THE WHOLE CONFLICT STAGE!!! NOTHING, NO FIGHTING, YELLING, SCREAMING, *****ING, WARNINGS, I have a runway wife) This is too long, i will stop now. Should I move out????????

Hi Mr. Ed -<P>You realize that I'm picturing a horse with this name!!!! LOL!!!<P>I loved that show!!!<P>Seriously, wow - what a situation you have going on there......<P>I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through such an awful time.<P>As far as your moving out - my initial reaction is to say no.....<P>Only you know all the particulars of your situation however, so I think that since you have been given papers you should contact an attorney to look out for your interests from the legal end of things.<P>That said, I gather that there is an, at least, emotional affair going on with your wife and this "Friend". <P>I can relate somewhat to the missing the conflict part in all this. I didn't really have that part either!! Just my H doing things and living single with no words of why!!!! He didn't do anything with me for recreation either.<P>What I was left with was to figure out things that I felt were contributors to my H's actions. Both on his part and mine. The only thing I could do was to work on mine.<P>First step is knowledge!!!! Learn - like you say you have begun by reading - about communication and each other's needs. Recognize what you have been doing incorrectly, and why you have done things the way you have and what is needed to put the marriage on the right track.<P>Your wife is apparently at a point of giving up - whether it's the fantasy from an affair situation or that she just can't see a future with the way things have been on your part....I don't know. What do you "feel" about it? What does your instinct tell you? Have you been a major contributor to her getting to this point?<P>Counseling is great - make sure it is with a counselor that realizes your marriage is at a critical point and that you both need help with dealing in the "now" as well as exploring the problems leading up to this. The counselor should be helping you be able to live life day to day as far as your emotions and actions. Perhaps you can tell them that you have looked at Dr Harley's Concepts......Have you?<P>I hope that this has helped some.<BR>Let us know how things are progressing.<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

mr. ed, <P>Don't move out!!! If push came to shove, have her move out and you keep the kids. Repairing your relationship will be exponentially more difficult if you are a part. Perhaps you are smothering her right now? Give her some more space to cool down. There may be more than an affair of the heart going on (sorry). How about spending time together as a family? <P>Keep reading what you can get your hands on. Scour this site for some more info. <P>Working on communication is good. Try to ba a friend again and don't push any affection right now.<P>Hang in there.<P>SHA<P>

Thank you for your reply to my question. I think she will have a judge order me out real soon. I have confirmed the affair as a postive and have yet to confront her with my new evidence. it is prety damaging. do i go for the throat to shock her or sit back and build more of a case. i plenty for good stuff. thanks again

sir hurts a lot, when do you think i confront her and make her see the video, pictures ect?<BR>this is going to hurt both of us alot. it hard for me to sleep and worry about being thrown out of my house by a wife with infidelity on her mind. i love my kids and i want to stay and make it work but lots of damage has been done.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. The only advise I can give is DO NOT SEPERATE!!!! This will all be so much harder once you two seperate. My W wanted to leave and I gave her my blessing..... Big Mistake. Try to keep her in the house. Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi Mr Ed -<P>I'm confused.....<P>Why would a judge throw you out of your house???<P>Have you been abusive or anything?<P>Is it not your home?<P>If anything - she is the one who should leave......<P>Maybe I am missing something? Could you explain, please?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba, no i have not been abusive to my wife. <BR>she wants me out and can ask a judge to make me leave if she wants to. the judge will look at whats best for the children and who the main caretker is in the home. or should could make up stuff and have a restraining order place on me and put me out. i have all kinds of proof on her affair ( pictures (P.I.) video, hotel bills) its not pretty. do I confront her?some people say that will make her angry and that i need to make her feel guilty. what do you folks thinf out there?

Hi Mr. Ed -<P>(Yep, there goes that song again! LOL!)<P>Did you get a consult with an attorney? I don't know how you figure that she could possibly kick you out of the house? SHE is the one who is choosing to leave the marriage and family - NOT YOU!!! Where are you getting these scary thoughts about restraining orders, etc. from? That's for abusers and stalkers!!<P>PLEASE consult with an attorney? PROMISE ME!!!! You have to cover yourself and look out for your children. I don't see infidelity as an endearing quality for a judge to grant custody of minors to the one whose choosing to set a bad example for them or not making them a priority.<P>I don't think the time is right to show any of your evidence. Hold it in the background for now.<P>Follow what's been advised here so far. If you try Plan A from this site, then start doing all you can to fill her needs and add to her lovebank. When she feels safe enough with you and sees how great some changes can be....maybe a conversation will be forthcoming as to the affair.<P>It is OK to let her know - without judgemental statements - in a loving tone and for the purposes of honesty and moving on with the relationship that you feel that she is involved elsewhere and that must be addressed.<P>Be prepared for denial and to keep a steady course with your relationship and communication skills. <P>Do not say " I KNOW" say " I FEEL". Don't use any words that would put her on the defense.....<P>Which is very hard to do...that's why it is best to have been depositing into her lovebank and showing her some positive changes with yourself first...then she won't be as defensive as she is now!!<P>Hope this helps and let me know when you have consulted an attorney...get those p's and q's in order!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi, Ed.<P>Sheba asked me to jump in here on your thread because of your legal predicament. I'm a lawyer here in Texas, and although I don't know much about family law, I can help you with some basic precepts.<P>First, from what I've gathered by reading your posts and from what Sheba has told me, you seem to think that your W can have you thrown out of your house.<P>Let me start by saying, that's possible, but I'd need to have more information to tell you whether it's likely. How do ya like THAT for a lawyer's answer? <P>Seriously, if you can answer some questions for me, I might be able to set you on the right track, but please do as Sheba suggested and see if you can find an attorney to help you out with this.<P>Here are my questions:<P>1) Is there ANY history of domestic violence on your part? Please, be honest. Nobody here will judge you.<P>2) Is YOUR name on the mortgage? (i.e., are you the owner of the house, or is your wife, or are BOTH of you?)<P>3) How many kids do you have, and why does your wife think it's in their best interest to have you leave the home?<P>4) Is there ANYTHING in your past (criminal behavior, alcoholism, affairs, etc.) that would reflect badly on your morality? (again, please be honest. I can't help you if I don't know the whole truth).<P>If you can answer these questions, I might be able to give you some basic idea of your rights. If you don't feel comfortable posting this stuff here, you can email me at dannop23@aol.com<P>I have to add this legal disclaimer: Please remember that any advice given is not intended to be relied upon by the receiver. I AM NOT A FAMILY LAWYER, AND I DO NOT CLAIM TO HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS. MY ADVICE IS BASED ON GENERAL LEGAL KNOWLEDGE, AND IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL LEGAL ADVICE FROM A LAWYER WITH COMPETENCE IN FAMILY AND DIVORCE MATTERS. Please consult another attorney to verify the accuracy of any of my statements. Please remember also that my advice is offered as a simple assistance to help you understand your rights. It is NOT intended to create an attorney client relationship.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>