My WH's OW is 19 and lives with her parents. Dday was 11/04/04, WH is also her boss at work, started sep. plan A on Saturday, although he's barely coming around or talking with me.

I want to expose her to her parents. Of course, WH (37) says if I do any chances to save our M are out the window. We've known each other 15+, together for 9, married for 5.

I have to do this, but am so frightened to pick up that phone.

MommyC,

Where would your M be if you didn't expose? If that 19 y/o was MY daughter I would want to know. Your H is following the script that they all follow. Expose!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
I want to expose her to her parents. Of course, WH (37) says if I do any chances to save our M are out the window. We've known each other 15+, together for 9, married for 5.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no chance of saving your marriage with the OW still involved. Exposure is your best way to get rid of OW. Things may get ugly but this is your best chance at getting rid of OW.

Be Strong!

Miker

Hi MommyC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I want to expose her to her parents. Of course, WH (37) says if I do any chances to save our M are out the window. We've known each other 15+, together for 9, married for 5.

I have to do this, but am so frightened to pick up that phone. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand how frightened you are - it took me over a week to get the courage up to confront my wife, and she went immediately into the same script that your WH is doing.

But she hasn't left yet, and is calming down and actually starting to talk to me a bit more (its only been a couple of days, so I don't expect much.) Your husband wants to keep you and have her too. It's that simple. By not confronting this issue, you're just letting him use you and have her too. Get it over with, If he's worth it, he'll stay with you - you just have to be firm and loving. Don't fall for any of his traps - just keep on track - you are trying to save your marriage, and most likely, he realy wants to stay with you too, he just doesn't know it right now.

My prayers are with you - I know how it feels.

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to expose her to her parents. Of course, WH (37) says if I do any chances to save our M are out the window. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an empty threat and amounts to nothing but emotional blackmail. If he had any intent on saving the M he would end all contact. He knows that exposure would cause a disruption, embarassment, shame, etc.

Have you read WAT's thread on Exposure?

Without exposure, you're failing at Plan A.
Plan A INCLUDES exposure, without it, it's just being a doormat.

Your ultimate goal is to end the A, while eliminating LBs from your behavior, allowing your WS to see the M as it could be.

Your seperated Plan A..is not a Plan A at all. He left the house, and is free to see OW without any constraints. How did you not realize this ? So pretty much, you've created an environment that he can come and go as he pleases...doesn't have to quit seeing his GF. Why would he want things to change ?

You can only control YOU in this situation, but the longer you wait to take control, the more control is out of your reach.

Wake up... realize this isn't a plan at all...this is going with the flow...hoping he comes to his senses all by himself.

Sorry for the 2X4..but come on..his mother lives with you, your left with all the child care, and yet you're afraid to expose ?

You have NOTHING to lose at this point, if you start understanding THAT concept...you'll bode better with the rest of this mess.

Hang in there...I'm sorry..but you HAVE to see things clearer for them to have any chance at working.

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

My STBXW didn't speak to me for 3 days after exposure. She told me if I did expose her affair our marriage would be over. Well, I got to the point that our marraige was over anyway, because she wasn't going to give up her OM so I did it. Like I said, she didn't talk to me for 3 days but came around. It didn't save my marriage, but I can say that my marriage definitley would have been doomed had I let their A continue in secrecy.

DO IT NOW! Especially her mommy and daddy. Would you want your 19 yo daughter being a homewrecker? My STBXW's wonderboy still lives with mommy and daddy, but they don't seem to care too much, hopefully yours will a bit more.

Thanks all.

I guess the $hit hit the fan anyway, might as well be me throwing it this time.

Yep, what's it gonna hurt? You either don't do it and the A continues or you do, and the A continues or the pressure of exposure stops it. You have nothing to lose. Your WH would have stopped by now had he wanted to.

MommyCBaby...
I know you are scared to expose everything but you have to. I'm sure her parents will be devastated that their own daughter is involved with a married man. Does she know he's married???? I would call them TODAY!!!!! Don't waste anymore time.

My WH told me that if I told my parents about his A that it would be over for us. Personally I don't think it would have made a difference. He wasn't coming back anyway.....
Good luck!

I know how scary it is, but you NEED to do it.

I have been EXACTLY where you are. Click on the Faithinme Story at the bottom of my post and you can read it....it starts with WH finding out I told OW's parents. She was 22. She didn't even live with them! She's been in the military since she was 18 and I still called mom and dad.

I just exposed to OW and WH's command too. He had said if I did he'd never speak to me again. Well, he's meeting with their Captain and First Sergeant today and I just received two calls from him saying he just wants to get back home to work on things. (I've decided I don't want that).

He's gonna be mad. He may scream and threaten and glare. He may even throw stuff. WH turned beet red, called me names and told me he never wanted to see me again...both times.

It looked a bit like my 10 year old's preteen temper tantrums....actually, more like my 1 year old's tantrums where he screams, turns blue and red, throws himself on the floor and cries until he's tired himself out. My ten year old has pulled the "I hate you", "you're mean" and "how can you do this you just don't understand me" lines. Sounds pretty close to a WH after exposure.

Know what my pediatrician said to do? Walk away. Ignore it. Let them have their tantrum, tire out, get it out and talk to them AFTER the "crisis" is over.

It takes a bit, but he gets over it. They all do.

Not doing it because your afraid is understandable....but it does nothing for you, for your marriage, for your WH or for your future.

You will feel much better after it's done...trust me. You know you need to do it and it will eat at you until you do.

Anyone brave enough to fight through infidelity can expose infidelity!

Of course he doesn;t want you to tell. He knows that if you do..thee is a very good chance that the A is going to end.

He's playing a semantic game with you. He wants yo uto think that you are protecting your marriage by NOT exposing him. But...really, what you are portecting is the AFFAIR.

If you don't expose, you help THEM. You take care of THEIR needs. If you do expose, you take the first step toward helping yourself.

I know it's scary. But..muster up your courage. You can do it!

Hi,

You are getting great advice. Do it. Call her parents. Is anyone thinking about hs girl? She is 19 years old, not even old enough to drink legally - in the States, at least.

She is being taken advatage of by your H. How would you feel if that was your child? Call her parents.

You've already heard how your H is going to kick and scream. Get ready. But, know this - he'll get over it. They all do.

Good luck!

MommyCBaby,

EXPOSE! I am copying a response I just posted to incomfused2. You need to expose! I am convinced that is the only reason my WH's A ended. Unfortunately I took A LONG time to do it and it just made WH and OW grow closer so in the end it was a much harder adjustment. I SO wish I had exposed the first day I found out! Please do this .....

I have to agree with the others. Please expose this A to the OM's W. She can help exert the most pressure to get this to come to an end.

When I found out about my WH and his OW, I did not expose the A. It ended up going on for months and months with me "letting" it go on as I was not willing to expose it and have my WH mad at me. Well, when I finally did expose to OW H, it ended that same day! I should have done it MONTHS prior.

The other person's spouse deserves to know too... I would have been so upset if someone else knew and did not tell me. We all deserve the truth.... and that really shines a light that not a lot of affairs can stand up to.

Please expose this relationship. It mey be painful at first (with your W being mad at you), but it may be the only thing that FINALLY can end the cycle for you, as it did for me.

Best wishes and stay strong in your discussions tonight.

LibbyAnn

I know I should and I will. Tomorrow is the day, I think I have her mother's work nuumber....if I call her house, she will intercept the call.

Tree,
YES, she knows he's married. Before she started working for my WH, she was our nanny!!! She knows me, all our kids, my MIL, my SIL....she knows the entire damn family. For a year she was treated like family, generous salary, birthday and Christmas presents, even a full day spa treatment at the end of her working for us. sigh

I will do this. I'll post tomorrow after the deed and let you know how I did.

Any chance you could go see her parents in person? Calmly explain the situation to them.

This might be a much more powerful message that you are fighting for the marriage, not fighting against their daughter.

Pep

I'm not sure what their scedules are. I know where they live. Matter of fact, one of my co-workers lives in her neighborhood and is now activly watching the house for me (will even take pictures if my WH is dumb enough to go there). Co-worker says she hasn't seen the parents cars in a while, so I'm not sure if there's a vacation or if their work hours are just out of whack.

I'm certain I can have a mature conversation. I don't plan on attacking their daughter, just citing what's been going on and how it's impacted my family. That should be good enough.

Thanks for the thought, Pep

mommycbaby:

Exposure was the thing that saved my marriage and it was the specific exposure to my FWW's OM parents that helped the most. I put pressure on the OM's parents and they were put out that I pulled them in and blemed their son. On the other hand, they blamed my FWW for the affair. Exposure caused the OM to take sides with his parents, but it was at the expense of my FWW.

Exposure brought out the OM's self serving ego which my FWW never saw in the past. I even put pressure on the OM's parents to try and get OM to quit his job which he hated. My FWW loved her job but he refused to quit causing my FWW to quit her job. It is more complex than what I just summed up, but it was the #1 tool to disrupt the flow of the affair.

I too was threatened that the marriage would be over forever if I told anyone, but they were apartment and furniture shopping together already so what did I have to lose.

I stairstepped the exposure by doing it and then teeling my FWW who I told. I said if you don't end the affair, I will tell this group. She didn't stop the affair and I told the next group and then told her what I did. I was down to her bosses, her co-workers, and her mother and I told her I was done and they were next on my list. She finally agreed to quit her job and start absolute NC.

All hell broke loose, but it worked as Dr. Harley said it would in his writings. So many people are afraid to expose and some wait too long to expose. If it is done before they move out, you increase your chances of keeping them in the house. If they are in the house, you have a better chance of saving the marriage.

I hope this helps.

TooSoon

Too Soon,

It helps, but unfortunately I asked him to leave this weekend. He kept saying it was fizzling out, but the calls were still there.

Since it's only been a few days, maybe the exposure now will have a benefit in getting him home quicker.

My MIL keeps saying to let go and let GOD take over. Tonight she says that telling OWs parents won't make her son come back. I do have faith in GOD, but I just don't see how it can really help me.

I guess I should go to church, it has been many,many years.

Thanks

MommyCBaby,
Wow...she was your nanny? I'm so sorry!!!!!
I do beleive that sometimes after we have tried all that we can and nothing changes then we have to give it to God and let him take care of it. I guess I'm pretty much at that point. There is nothing more I can do in this marriage. I tried and it meant nothing to my WH. He chose to be with OW so now they can have each other and what will be will be. I know there is someone out there for me.
I know it will be hard for you to confront the parents. Maybe they will be able to help end the A. If it were my daughter I would do all that I could to get her away from the married man. I wish you the best of luck! It will never last with a young girl like that!!!!!!
Keep your chin up!!!!!
{{{{hugs}}}}}