Monkey,
I see no one has tackled this...but I'd like to try and offer you some answers.
I can easily see why you're asking these questions, because no where on the main site will you find what you're seeking. I do hope however to shed some light on these for you, since some of this is the result of research by other psychologists...and widely used by most marital professionals....not just Harley. So let me give you some of the basis for these claims and advice.
1)Dr. Harley says to expose the A to everyone possible (or some variation on this)Actually what Dr.
Willard Harley says (and the Willard is important) is "Put it on the evening news!". He answers questions every Monday and Thursday, on "Marriage Talk," a live radio call-in show broadcast on AM980 KKMS in Minneapolis. Tune in if you have access! That phrase evidently is a common one on his radio show where he answers questions from folks calling in. Penny Tupy who has her own site now, and was trained by Willard Harley considers it one of the real differences in his program and one she has talked to him extensively about.
But he's not alone in is view that affairs need secrecy to thrive. Not all counselors believe in "exposure" to others....but most of the big names believe that ending secrecy is vital.
Here is a typical sample from Dr.Ruth Houston.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Speak up and take a stand.
If you know he’s cheating and say nothing about it, you're enabling his infidelity. Make it clear that you disapprove of what's going on and tell him you want it to stop. Not addressing his infidelity makes him think he has your silent approval or that you don’t know what’s going on.
Let him know you know.
Affairs thrive in secrecy. If you’ve identified numerous telltale signs and have solid proof of your husband’s infidelity, decide when and how to tell him you know about his affair. Sometimes just knowing his infidelity has been exposed will be enough to make him stop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just punch in the phrase "affairs thrive in secrecy" on google...and you'll find plenty of info. Harley however, is relatively singular in his ideas about exposure. It's one of the
radical ideas that sets him apart from some of the other experts. But most of the big names...Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaughn, Michele Weiner Davis...all talk about the necessity that affairs have for secrey and how important confrontation and exposure are...not on the same level as Harley...but definitely on the same page.
Here's how Penny Tupy describes exposure on her site:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Affairs flourish in secrecy; if affair partners thought for a moment that their friends and family could see them or would find out, infidelity would be far less common! So one of the first things I suggest is that the faithful spouse tells. Tells who? Tells the spouse of the other party, tells their family members, tells their church leader, tells the boss if it is a workplace affair. Exposing an affair to the harsh light of day and to the scrutiny of friends and family will almost always hasten its demise. I encourage the faithful partner to contact the spouse of the lover. Not only is this a likely ally in working to end the affair, it is certain to cause repercussions for the betraying partners.
Exposing the affair creates conflict within the unfaithful relationship. The coupling that seemed to be so perfect, so wonderful, so special, suddenly takes on an air of sordidness. Dealing with the disapproval of friends and family can make the relationship seem less than the ideal fantasy it once appeared to be. Hurt feelings and arguments are likely to ensue within the affair relationship as each partner struggles with layers of conflict, guilt, embarrassment or even shame. Eventually the partners become less attractive to each other as the fantasy evaporates under the light of exposure.
In addition to telling, and perhaps more importantly, I encourage the faithful spouse to be honest with the mate about how s/he feels regarding the affair. It is essential that the straying partner hear loud and clear from their mate that the relationship they are having outside the marriage is painful in the extreme for their spouse. Honesty of this sort is difficult. I help men and women learn the skills to share their feelings honestly without being disrespectful or losing their temper in the process.
For men and women caught in the nightmare of a mate’s betrayal taking these steps to expose and to express how they feel can be, and almost always is, incredibly frightening. Husbands and wives doing all they can to persuade their erring partner to end the extra marital relationship and to commit to the marriage are terrified of doing anything that might upset the other person. It’s a natural fear, and one that must be overcome in order to do everything possible to end the affair. Remember, emotions and instincts will take you down the wrong path more often than not, when it comes to dealing with a spouse’s affair.
I tell husbands and wives to think of infidelity as an addiction, which indeed it is, and to keep that in mind when they are making choices about how to handle it. If their spouse was addicted to cocaine or heroin they would be willing to do whatever it takes to get them away from the source of the addiction and into recovery, regardless of how upset their addicted partner becomes. Ending an affair is much the same. The straying partner is addicted to the other person, and the only way to get to recovery is to end the relationship and ensure that contact never occurs in the future.
Yes, they will certainly become angry when necessary steps are taken to do just that. The waiting partner must look beyond the anger to see that it is triggered by the addiction and that the person they love and married is not able to think clearly or rationally. When the source of the addiction is removed and other steps for recovery are taken, eventually the fog will clear and the anger will dissipate over time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It might also help you to ask folks here for testimonials about how "exposure" worked to the end affairs in their marriages.
2)Dr. Harley recommends to wait two years (after what?) to start dating againOkay....the two year waiting period is for Plan B. Why two years? Well most psychologists use that time frame because the biochemistry of affairs last for around two years. Helen Fisher, in ground breaking research discovered the biochemical processes of love. The best way to understand this time frame is to read "Why We Love" by Helen Fisher...but there was EXTENSIVE coverage of her results and here's a good article about it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/Almost every psychologist who spoke last year at the Smart Marriage Conference talked included these findings in their discussions. Evidently, the Dopamine, Norephenphrine, and Serotin levels that make us temporarily insane with love in early affairs...peaks at around 6 months and slowly dissipates over the course of 18 months to two years. So that's where the two year time frame comes from. Theoretically, once those alien producing chemicals wear off....that's when it's likely that if a WS hasn't left an affair partner already....they will. So if a BS can wait out the natural waning of these things (and not date and get overcome themselves) there is an opportunity for one last chance to save the marriage.
3)The statistics say that most affairs don't lastThis is a hotly debated statistic. But here's where it comes from. Jan Halper, Ph.D., author of "Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men" found through extensive research, that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. Her study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.
This is the only source I have ever been able to find....and I believe that's where this statistic comes from. If you want to see some other really good statistics and research....please go to Peggy Vaughn's site. She's the author of "The Monogamny Myth" and probably most revered figure in marriage therapy today.
Here's a great article from her site...but please do look around at others:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/results.htmlHope this is helpful.
