My wife called on her way home tonight and accused me of being drunk. I wasn't, I have a really bad cold and sounded awful, but instead of being understanding, I lost it and got sarcastic at her.

She has used it all evening as a way to get at me, I can understand - I was wrong to react the way I did. I don't know how to proceed at this. She may have dropped her OM, but I am giving her all the ammo she needs to leave me. I told her I was sorry, but that wasn't enough.

I don't even know how to appologize to her, I really blew it -I've been trying not to LB for so long. I just wish she could see that when I am wrong and I appologize, that's whay I really mean.

I'm throwing away my marriage. Danm me.

David

David,

I am not excusing your LB but WS has a way to push your hot botton and make you feel bad so that they have a reason to stray <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

You are not throwing your M, you were just having a bad day. Is that justify to go out and **** OM ?

-rh-

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

T,

You have a cold and she accused you of being drunk? On what, Nyquil? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You didn't LB, she deserved it.

No one c/b a perfect BS. Just doesn't happen. LBs are going to happen. How many is within the control of the BS.

Also there is no penalty for LBing. In many cases it is deserved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Yes, it is. The WS pushes so hard the BS often finds themselves in a corner. While the actual incident may appear t/b an LB, it isn't because of the circumstances causing it (provoked by the WS).

So periodic LBs are expected. You are NOT going to jail or be banned from MB as a result. OK? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If I was sick and a WS said something stupid like that to me, I'd accuse them of babbling like an idiot. Talk about LB..... and I would say it without regrets.

So stop beating yourself up. She deserved at least what you said.

Now go nurse yourself back to health..... and don't drink too much Nyquil. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hi David,

Don't beat yourself up too much.we have all "lost it" on occasion.Infidelity is just WAY too emotional a trauma to try and be cordial and well mannered all the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sometimes I think it is necessary to let off some steam at the WS since they are the ones hurting us so badly.IMO they need a little taste of what it's like to be a BS.Of course no one recommends this all the time so just try to get back on track.No matter what you do,your WW will find fault.Most WS's do to try and demonize you in some way.But,don't keep shooting yourself in the foot either.Just try to diffuse the situation and not let her get to you.

Hope you're feeling better soon~

O

Don't beat yourself up!!! Shame on her for not believing you. If you aren't feeling well, of course you would become sarcastic. You aren't ruining your M.

Take care of yourself and get well. By the way you have the same birthday as my son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey there David,
Orchid is right, but then again she usually is.

As a BS...we aren't sentenced to a life of niceness.

You felt like crap...and then you took some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

On another note, think about YOU for JUST a second...is THAT the M you want ?

You had a bad day...you blew off some steam... and you said some things that weren't very nice.. everyone is entitled to be human...oh that's right..did you forget that part ? Even BS ...are still human.

Hope you feel better soon !

Thanks. everybody, for the encouragment.

I know she is looking for any reason she can find to make me the bad guy, it was just such a hard evening, and I'm so tired of being alone. I just wanted an evening where there could be some peace. I guess that's a long way off.

I'm too tired....

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> Hey there David,
Orchid is right, but then again she usually is.

As a BS...we aren't sentenced to a life of niceness.

You felt like crap...and then you took some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

On another note, think about YOU for JUST a second...is THAT the M you want ?

You had a bad day...you blew off some steam... and you said some things that weren't very nice.. everyone is entitled to be human...oh that's right..did you forget that part ? Even BS ...are still human.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi betrayed - you're right - that is NOT the kind of M I want, and it's been that way for many years - it's just that until I found MB, I would usually blow up and fight right back (which I did last night) - since I've been here, I've tried really hard to just stay calm and leave her alone.

I couldn't do it last night - it HAD been a bad day - trying to find a good MC that we could see together, trying to manage the kids and be totally sick at the same time....I have the feeling that's gonna be my life story (single dad, demanding kids, etc) pretty soon. Just scared of that and of being alone. Makes you sometimes feel like not going on...

David

David,

The fear of losing my WH way back in the early stages was a crippling idea for me.It was probably THE single most difficult issue I had to deal with(in counseling) because my WH and I had been best friends and together for 20 years.I was in shock at the thought of losing what I had come to know and count on for SO long.My love,my husband,my best friend,etc.I knew right away that I would forgive my WH of the A but what I wouldn't forgive was the CONTINUED A and contact.That was our downfall.

But you know what,I would rather be without him now,as he is and probably forever unless he became a different person.What I put up with for so long and didn't see as problems in my marriage because I loved him and I worked around these things I would not accept from another man again.

For example,my WH spent WAY too much time on his computer when he was at home instead of being with his family.He was always busy with work or even if he didn't have work he would find a way to get on it and I would never accept that again.Even when my WH was home he wasn't really home,you know what I mean? The children and I suffered for a long time with his schedule and he didn't partake in family activities as much as I would have liked.You get the idea.

As Dr.Phil says: "I would rather be healthy and alone than sick and with someone".That about sums it up for me at this point in my life.I am VERY ok with being alone(not lonely,there's a difference) and I feel free in many ways now.You know Tom Hanks character in Castaway? Well,I could easily do that time on the island(if I didn't have kids) I am so secure and comfortable with myself,I actually NEED time alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My WH on the other always needs ot be in contact with someone ,Cell phone,e-mails,phone,work,etc.YUK.He just cannot be still and enjoy the quietude.

Just something to look forward to.Most of what I have read here from old timers who are past a D have "seen the light" and feel more confident and strong than ever,enjoying life again.It's a rough road but you'll get there.

O

Hi O -

Your posts are like a rock that I can anchor to. I thank you so much for your help and kindness.

I've been going over the idea that I may just not want this to continue as well, even though my plan right now is to fight for our marriage and try to do my best to do what I can.

This morning I found another TM on her phone from the OM, so I know she hasn't cut off contact. She claims that the afair is over, and that she is wiling to fix our marriage (as long as I realize that I am the cause of our marital problems and that I must get counselling to fix it). I am going to an IC today for a related/unrelated problem: I need to up my self esteem. However, I am no longer willing to take her charge that our marriage problems have been 90% me being a jerk and 10% her making mistakes.

I really need to figure out how to make some changes!

David

David,

I have followed your journey since you started posting. I'm sorry you're here but the advice you recieve from people who have lived your hell, is invaluable.

LB'ing....it's easy to do as we can try and maintain control over our emotions. Problem is that most WS EXPECT us to maintain control WHEN THEY COULD NOT (aren't they in LOVE???)!!!! What you're dealing with is a trauma. It is an emotional trauma. WS have a way of making it someone elses fault. They have to manipulate their own morals in many cases and once they have "justified" their actions the fog doesn't let them see just how pathetic and predictable their actions are.

My FWxW and I are reconciling. It took me 4 months (AFTER ORIGINAL D-day of 7/04) to get the "story" behind her PA that ended 4 years prior to our divorce (7/03). This PA was the reason she wanted a divorce!! Because it is so long ago and I really did not know, I have had MANY questions. I went by the MB ways and tried not to LB or press on for information so I would not LB. I was consumed with it and I just guessed at the events....and I was wrong. We had numerous set backs....BECAUSE WE BOTH LB>>> but with counseling it began to work. My major problem now is that if I ask a question she goes nuts. Why do I have to keep "bringing it up"? Do I know how it makes her feel like crap every time I bring it up? I have been very calm and made sure not to LB when I have questions. For instance, just this week I was cleaning out old calendars (I keep detailed records of what I am working on) and saw one of the planning calendars for May of 1999. She had told me that the last time she met him was when I was away "playing" on a weekend. In my planner I saw she was away for a couple of days for "work"....so I asked. calmly...no accusations...I just asked if she "forgot" anything about that month....she flies off the handle...."I don't remember where you were" "I have told you everything"..."are you calling me a liar?"...."I am sick of the questions, when is this going to end?"...

My response was very calm.

"FWxW, I do not know if it will ever end. You put me in this position and if I have a question I will ask it. It is for my own information and important to me trusting you for you to answer. You DO NOT want me to come to my own conclusions. You went away overnight while you were having an affair, Why is it unfair for me to ask if it was with him? From my perspective it is unfair for you to think I would not ask"....

Her answer was "I made a mistake...xH, I'm sorry..I have told you everything....I want...."...I interrupted her telling her that we have already discussed this and she answered my question and that was my intent...and I thanked her.....

so...I don't think you're done LB'ing...your wife is having an affair now....the emotions you have are strong, they should be!!!

Good luck...and keep us posted..the good folks here will help...