I need some help with my H. I don't really know what stage were in , the last contact that i KNOW he had with the OW was in September. but we just seem stuck in a rut and both are dong negative things toward our marriage. i'm trying to clear my head and fix my issues. One of hi smajor Issues is that I don't intiiate SF enough that it is always him intiiating. so last night we go to bed and i'm trying hard to intiate. well i start and he started to laugh a little and it was strange and then he rolled over and hugged me, kkinda like he was turning me down, now i know that he has not hasd renewed contact with her at least for the past few days to make this change because I have been with him. So i dont know why he was like that. he eventually fell asleep i was up and off all night and couldn ot sleep because i was so upset. (when he first started the A the first sign I had was his lack of intrest in SF so o course that huants me!)
So this morning he asks what is wrong. I say I was a littl ehurt by last night he said what about it i said why did you laugh . he said i dont know. i said something was funnyt , he said i dont know nothing. and he sounded a little upset. so i dropped it. but now i'm still upset. I dont know if i should try again or how i hadnle this situation... it's one of his needs that i'm trying to fulfill but it doesnt make me much feel like doing it if hes going to be LAUGHING AT ME!!!! please help i have to talk to him soon anddont know if i should just not say anything

I'm probably the last one to give advice, because I'm so new, but here goes:

Have you read Surviving an affair? if not get it & read it NOW. Also it seems like you might be more worried about avoiding a conflict instead of being honest with your H about your feelings, maybe set a time when you 2 can discuss your R alone & without any interruptions for about 15 minutes, remember to avoid Disrespectful Judgements, always make your statements based on YOU, NOT him.

Also don't be too quick to make assumptions about what may be an innocent action, he might have been tired, or maybe he even just thought about a funny rememberance?

I hope some vets help you real soon, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hi mylife,

I can understand why you are upset,I think I would be too if I tried to initiate SF with my WH and he laughed/giggled and THEN didn't reciprocate.If he wasn't feeling up to having SF then he could have nicely told you so instead of leaving the dead air space there.

This is one of those situations that is very clear to me where things *could have gone much better: you are trying to fill a need of your WH;he turns you down but should lovingly tell you if he is not feeling up to it,not laugh.Instead he leaves you with anxiety,uncertainty and a feeling of disappointment/rejection.Not good.

Then,when you bring up the subject again in the morning,he gets upset at you and blows you off without a decent explanation(you drop it too without a feeling of being satisfied with the outcome) and the caring and concern of your feelings that should be there.Not good.

Communication HAS to be one of the biggest downfalls of marriage I have ever seen.Many men and women just don't seem to know how to talk to one another and be in tune with each other.We side step issues and feelings,avoid them altogether or internalize everything to where we get defensive,crap like that.

So.If I were you,I would go back to your WH and tell him you need to talk with him again.You are feeling sad about his "rejection"and would have appreciated him telling you if he was not feeling up to SF and WHY instead of the hug and rolling over to sleep.

Also,that your feelings were hurt and that you want to be able to help fufill his need for SF(and other's) but making you feel insecure isn't going to help you WANT to give this to him(then tell him HOW you can feel more secure).Your feelings(both of you) are very delicate right now and need the utmost care and protection.

Are you both in counseling?

O

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hi guys, thanks for both of the replies. We are starting counsling on the 25th. we do definatly need help in communication! and i listed the things i think i need help with also in our marriage. i got to 8 so far. they are:
1. greeting him when he dcomes home
2. initiating SF
3. no nagging drop things quicker
4. no head shaking ( i have a tendency to shake my head even wihtout talking)
5. no negative tone
6. not getting sucked into his negativity (ex; when he hangs up on me)
7. letting go of a lot of pain i have inside of me
8. not being overley sensitive or take things to personal.
as for today i am scared to confront him wiht my feelings he takes everything so defensive as if i'm trying to be mean to him wiht my feelings and i am not!!! ughh. dont know what to do. we've talked a few times and ddid not mention it. it is fustrateing. i just want to make the right steps to make this better, it takes a lot for me to do things like initiate SF then i just feel rejected. i want my old H back its sad...

Hi again,

I think it's great to have a list.But I would just mention a few things.

#3-no "nagging" is good but dropping things quicker is not going to resolve issues in your marriage unless they are SOLVED.However long it takes to work an issue out should be the goal,not dropping it just to please your H because he cannot take the time to work through problems.That to me sounds like a common male response(not all males mind you).

#7- letting go of a lot of pain inside is also good BUT ON YOUR OWN TIMETABLE.Again,if your WH is expecting you to hurry up through your pain,he needs to back off.#'s 3 + 7 sound a bit like WH wanting to sweep things under the rug as quickly as possible(if these are issues with HIM).

Maybe you could suggest to your WH that you are compiling a list that you think would be good to discuss when you see your counselor.If he asks about it you could show him and say that you have these concerns and want to learn how to resolve them with WH.

It's great to want to improve your marriage skills and communication skills but your WH has to do some changing too.You should not want to go back to a marriage that obviously had issues leading you to where you are now.You both have an opportunity here to improve it and make it the best marriage you could both ask for.It's a team effort though.This isn't about making changes only for your WH including that you have to tippy toe around him so you don't upset him in anyway.This is an equal opportunity partnership. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A GOOD counselor can also show you how to begin a healthy dialogue that supports both of you in a caring and respectful way.I hope your counselor is like this.

O