Here is the main story so I don't have to rehash it all: www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=016754

This is my question: How many of the BS out there started the process of rebuilding and then FWS goes out and cheats again? On many levels I see things that we did not address, quit MC and IC very early in, so think we hit a certain level and never went deeper. I also know I have probably over-thought every detail of the last 2 years of my life with the man!

I am sad, angry, frustrated. I still think MB could possibly work for us, but only if we don't go back to those old habits again, and only with consistent MC. Still not sure if I am willing to "forgive & forget", not even sure waht I want right now. Just know that this all hit me rather hard adn fast, and I would rather step back and think about things without just being reactive.

Am I being a total nitwit? Careful with the 2x4s, I am already feeling pretty beat down!

My FWH and I lived through multiple indiscretions, from online porn, online chatting, dates, etc. I only found out about a few things. As it would come up, we would "recover" and then a year later...back again.

Many would give up. I am tenacious. I also work with so many young people who are products of D, it destroys their lives...didn't want to do that to my kids. I stuck it out, I found MB too.

This last time it was different. We both went through some major changes. I had to change my attitude and LBs, he had to safeguard the family, and behaviors he though were harmless (internet vieing) he had to cut out...it usually escalated.

It took REAL change on both our parts. It also took us moving to Plan B (he moved out, we were deciding on how to split) for us both to get our heads out from under complacency.

There is no magic cure...

There is some serious soul searching you can each do...and changes to make.

Follow the MB principles strictly...they work...

I know there are alot of things neither of us did toward personally recovery. I made progress on me, but did not let the process play out. I believe we barely skimmed the surface for him. He only just acknowledge his sexual abuse by his mother (gag!) after he revelaed this last A. I mean, we danced around it a few times, but he always choked it back down. He also left the home for a week last A, told me (after the fog cleared and R began) that he needed to be punished and didn't think I was doing enough of that.

He has agreed to MC and IC. He told me last night he feels he must move out but will still go to counseling. He says his goal of counseling is to learn why things went the way it did but mostly to make it easier for me to let go of the M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He says his goals here are different than mine. I acknowledge that, but I have heard this all before. "I need to think, I need time to myself, I cannot stay here".

I nearly threw him out at MN last night. OK, here is my big mistake for the week (hope it is the only one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). Went out and had some much needed girl time with my BF of 17 years (who by-the-way is struggling with recently ending her A with her BIL... really, really screwed up!)

Anyway, came home really, really wanting some love and attention (really did not drink that much, I swear!). Of course he re-buffed me, said he couldn't look at me and have sex knowing what he did. I was furious and told him to get out, he was stumbling around, had taken pain meds and muscle relaxer before going to bed, so I retracted that. He was being stubborn, said "no, I am going" and then I threatened to call the cops for DUI. LB, I know, but at that point I realized it was a really bad idea him driving no matter how much I wanted to smash his face in!

We talked, he said his "compromise" was that he would move out but still go to IC & MC. He said if I "made" him stay here he would only resent me and refuse to go. My first thought was tough noogies, go ahead and resent me, it only begins to describe the anger I feel towards him. Why does he have a right to resent me? (ok, I know how crazy that sounds!)

Also, drove to the OW place of business yesterday, had to see, had to know. (not all that impressed, but than again didn't expect to be) Called him to give him the opportunity to talk me out of it (yes, I know how manipulative that was). I did not go in, I did not confront her, I did not go through with getting her fired. Little victories!

I did text msg her after I left, politely , saying that I was sorry either one of us was in this situation but I really needed to know (is it over, did it mean anything, etc) and "wouldn't you?" She texted me back with "I'm done with him, lose my number, I'm sorry". I simply wrote back "fair enough". Not sure if that was right or wrong. Guess that is the control freak in my coming out and "handling" the situation the bset I could. As far as I can tell, there has been NC, still, I hate them both.. guess it is so raw.

OK guys, is there any hope for me at this point? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Funny thing how they make you feel badly for what they have done. I don't know your whole story but my husband also told me that he needed to be punished and needed to move out. I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. He had told me he had been having affairs for our entire marriage. I told him if he moved out I didn't think I could forgive him. He moved out anyways, he did move back in a couple of months later and we're working on things now. But I have so much anger from him moving away and going out to clubs and going out with other woman while I was at home with both of our daughters oldest 3 and newborn baby.
I have always wanted to see the other woman, I have talked to them and been totally disgusted by their attitudes- not even a sorry. But I want to see them- were they pretty, etc. Did it help you to see her?

Major computer issues! Grr... Started a reply three times now..

Yes, C, it was satisfying to see her. Mostly cause I see nothing there that I am threatened by, NOTHING! I am a better person on my worst day than she, but I guess I just needed to see.

He left, he is gone... we will see. Says he needs to leave his "comfort zone". Says he does realize that he loves me inthe biblical way as God laid out in I Coritihians 13, you know: "love is patient, love is kind..."

Baby steps, minute by minute, day by day.

Well WH moved out, came back this evening "to see the kids" and just left here again. He lingered, helped me fold laundry (he never does that!) talking about he is still a part of this family and he is gonna be here. He has been gone less than 10 minutes and already called to ask me a silly question about DD 13th b-day party Saturday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have been choking it all down, actually earlier wasn't too bad. I helped him gather stuff and offered him blankets and sheets. His dad owns a hunting club and he is going to stay in one of the trailers up there.

I felt much more restless this evening. Kids have been almost unbearable, obstinate, honery and driving my batty! DD, 4, smacked her face earlier and fought sleep, whimpered herslef to sleep in my lap. DD who is turning 13 has basically been very depressed (very strong history in the family anyway!) and taken being told 10 times to do anything today, and she is usually passive & dependable. DS,11, got really angry when his Daddy showed up, didn't want to see him & then obviously feels guilty for feeling that way.

I wish I could spare them all of this! I am an adult, and I can deal. I have prayed constantly today and I will get through this, but it tears me up to see my babies hurting, they don't deserve any of this (not that I do either!)

WH thanked me for being so nice to him, and not giving him a hard time about leaving. Little does he know how much strength I am using here, and so much of it feels like "Divine intervention". He is acting more like my old H today, but I know I must not just assume. Last time I gave in all too easily, and we suffer for that. He says he will go to MC Wed when we are scheduled again. Lots of work ahead.

I have a work thing tomorrow, will be the first time I have gone down there since this started. As a nurse, I cannot just go to work without a clear head, too much at stake, so I have been out. But... I am up for an elected position at the hospital and must speak in front of a bunch of people (haven't done that in ages!). Know something else? H wants to go and "support" me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Started joking on his way out the door that he would start a smear campaign against my opponents so that I could win!!

Here we go on the roller coaster again! I hate this part!