I am so stuck I cannot for the life of me figure out how to Plan A when EVERY suggestion is met with a resounding "NO!"

I have always prided myself on my resourcefulness. But not even a cup of coffee in a neutral place has been accepted. I have tried to pick him up from work so we could at least have a few minutes together. He used that as an excuse to talk to DD to tell her that no way did he want to even be in the car with me. And besides there could be a "scene". THus forcing DD to refuse to have anything to do with any "family" time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Considering that there has been no family time in over 5 months and we have lived in different cities until last week for almost 3 years, we need that time as a reminder.

Help, please. I need solid suggestions. Keeping in mind that WH has DD with him until I get a house. ANd WH lives with enablers who were my friends but are now solidly behind WH and his adultery. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Perhaps you can't do a direct "plan a" as much as you can do a 180 - work on being an attractive spouse. Be seen at events he likes to go to, focused on building relationships in your new area, having fun - focused on living a happy life with your daughter. She will immediately benefit because you are no longer focused on recovering your marriage, but definitely recovering your life, and hers along with it. If HE isn't the center of your universe, then the damage he does from his behavior becomes periferal instead of central. You and she will recover and thrive no matter what he chooses.

Start with the boats!

KaylaAndy. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start with the boats </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I almost freaked when I saw that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> For a second I thought you were talking about meeting people on WHs ship! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> THen I realized you meant Dragon BOats. PHEW!

But, renewing acquaintances from the ships won't be hard anyway. Gee, wonder if I know and officers on WHs ship that used to be friends with me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> This town is not new for me. I have quite a few friends and acquaintances.

As far as looking nice, etc. ALready do that and I am really not trying to focus on WH. I am however finding that I need to be hypervigialnt as WH is trying to brainwash and confuse DD12. It is very scary. So, in that sense, yes I am focussed on the DOrk.

Good suggestions.

Think I am right there with you, girl! (((hugs)))

After what I thought was a decent recovery period form his Last A, just found out WH had another PA (different woman, different circumstances).

Now back to it all over again, and it really, really sucks! At least he has agreed to MC (1st today), but only after the urging of our pastor friend. I am trying to do as suggested above, work on me, try to keep life as normal as possible for the kids. Trying to eat (yuck!), trying to sleep (only happening with some herbal help) & just trying to cope. But somewhere inside I am really frustrated with trying to create a soft place for him to land when I cannot be sure he will not fail me yet again.

You can't make him be or do what you want, you can only create this universe for yourself and hope, pray, that he decides he wants to be a part of it.

Hi, MS. Yes this is WHs second A first was an EA. BUt, I am starting to have doubts on whether this is truly just the 2nd. His PA with a different OW but under similar circumstances leaves a LOT of doubt as to his integrity, honour and commitment to anything.

His lying, his excuses, his general self righteous, indulgences at the expense of our M and our family has me truly worried that he just isn't who I thought he was. If so, all the counselling in the world won't change those major character flaw. I ask myself is he a serial cheater. A pathological liar? I don't want someone like that in our life. Or is it the "fog". Fog I think I can forgive. Character flaws like the above? Can't be "fixed".

The sad part of this equation? I love the Dork. Darn! I wish I didn't. Thus the Plan A attempts.

^BUMP^

FAA,

Now this post is sent in the spirit of love and care.... so when I whack you upside the head with an MB 2x4, you won't get offended. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plan A is about you working on you. Whether the WS is around or even notices or not is immaterial right now. You need to get yourself to a place where you don't question your choices and decisions. You take responsbility for your actions and willing to make improvements on yourself and follow through. A good plan A will allow you to take tough positive criticism which in turn allows you to blossom into a very attractive person with a renewed sense of vigor and vitality for life. You no longer see yourself and the downtrodden, guilt ridden, blamepost that the WS was allowed to trample over with his fog.

R U there yet? Think about it. I like the idea of NOT making the WS the center of your universe. Make it someone who is a valuable family member. I think you get the idea. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid. THanks, I am not offended. Food for thought.

AM I there yet? Close. Really close. Actually when I think about it, the thing(s) I feel I need to work on are DJs & POJA issues. ANd that I am already doing. THrough IC and perhaps couples COunselling.

Other than that, my life is NOT on hold. I only call WH to discuss legal issues. I am focussing on DD and getting a new job and trying to find a house and trying to find a lawyer and trying to .... Well you get the picture.

I am confused, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Plan A is for the WS to be able to see the S being happy, no DJs, etc. So, how is not being around going to accomplish that?

Please remember that we have not lived in the same city for almost 3 years. Now we are. But not living together. He sees the OW every day at work. ANd because I lodged a formal complaint with the military, they are closer than ever protecting themselves against bad me!

He sees me only to discuss legal issues and for me to pick up DD. So, please explain to me how this is any different than before when I lived over 5 hours away. WH does not know what being a family is any more. He has substituted OW and her DD for us! And I hear you say that I should Plan A by myself. What am I missing? How can this improve WH and MY R in the long run?

I am not resisting Plan A I WANT to do a successful Plan A. I NEED to Plan A. THere is a landslide happening over here and I don't know how to slow it down. I think D is the primary thought in WHs mind with OWs encouragement. I KNOW it is.

Can you see how confused I am? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hello FAA -

You've got yourself quite the situation...but I know you're up to it:)

Something that caught me in your post was the question of how can Plan A'ing by yourself help your M.

It can't fix the M by itself....it helps you...and YOU in turn help your marriage. The problem is that a M requires both of you. He's not active in it right now so you can't do ANYTHING to fix the M.

If I were you, I would start by spending as much time with DD as you can...invite WH. You know he's not going to go...at least not yet. Invite him anyway. Make your time with her as fun as possible. Try new things together, just sit and talk about something OTHER than the family situation.

She's got to be going crazy with that whole thing by now. Get her mind off of it.

My 10 year old loves to just go to the mall and look around, try on clothes and get silly with me. We see who can come up with the most outlandish outfit. I take pictures of the outfits and print them out for her. Then we maybe go out for icecream or something small. She loves it and talks about it for days!

When she talks to her dad, all she can talk about is how much fun we had and how cool I am as a mom. For days!

I'm not suggesting using your daughter to get to him, but rather to live it up with her right now. I became SO much closer with my kids during Plan A. I went out and bought games to play and got silly dancing around the living room. We'd drive down the road and sing at the top of our lungs.

WH noticed and although when he first came home he tried to keep himself away from it, he was sucked in by the family.

You can't fix your marriage until WH participates, but you can strengthen you and your family.

Let yourself grow, give DD a break from all the mom and dad crap and just live the way you want to live. You know what was happening before wasn't working. You know what is happening now isn't working.

Make the next few months the ones that direct YOU in how YOU want live and who YOU want to be.

{{{FIM}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> THANK YOU! Okay, the light bulb went on. Now, I see the way. Sorry, I am not usually so dense. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I knew there was something I wasn't getting.

Okay, I am doing the fun stuff with DD already. I'm cute and smell good. No DJs No LBs and LAUGH as we have fun. GOT IT! Dd and I are very close and she misses me like crazy. I will continue to invite him. Dork! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FIM you have mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> fightingalone-again: ...I am confused, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Plan A is for the WS to be able to see the S being happy, no DJs, etc. So, how is not being around going to accomplish that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Plan A is for you and about you. D/d brough about a shock like no other. Your world was jogged and hasn't normalized yet.

Plan A helps you stablize your world while allowin g you to work on yourself. All will benefit by your improvements. You, your family and your H. But as long as he is a WS, his appreciation w/b nil at best. Therefore, don't plan A for him plan A inspite of him. Not to spite but instead of the WS.

Love your H but hate the WS. I say, plan A your H but plan B your WS. I am sure you can tell the difference. Then learn to treat him accordinly.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> fightingalone-again: Please remember that we have not lived in the same city for almost 3 years. Now we are. But not living together. He sees the OW every day at work. ANd because I lodged a formal complaint with the military, they are closer than ever protecting themselves against bad me! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Right and because you have all this stacked against you, you concentrate on you. You will have interactions with him and at those times he will take notice.

Let them work hard on their A. The harder they work, the harder they will fall and you won't have any blame when that happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> fightingalone-again: He sees me only to discuss legal issues and for me to pick up DD. So, please explain to me how this is any different than before when I lived over 5 hours away. WH does not know what being a family is any more. He has substituted OW and her DD for us! And I hear you say that I should Plan A by myself. What am I missing? How can this improve WH and MY R in the long run? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Fine....... remember plan A is about making yourself feel and be better for you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> fightingalone-again: I am not resisting Plan A I WANT to do a successful Plan A. I NEED to Plan A. THere is a landslide happening over here and I don't know how to slow it down. I think D is the primary thought in WHs mind with OWs encouragement. I KNOW it is.

Can you see how confused I am? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: I don't want to make you cry. Being successful is a good goal. Keep the goal a reasonable one.

I think it is a waste of time trying to make a BS look good to a WS. Almost impossible if the WS is a staunch one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So don't waste your effort..... work to improve you and you enjoy the benefits. Enjoy the compliments from others and take a look at your accomplishments.

Most A's are temporary at best. The long term ones are not healthy at their best. So you have these things on your side. A healthy BS and family. Everyone will see your improvements and see the WS go downhill. Not if, when.

So continue working on a good plan A. When your mind and heart syncs up and you are done working on you....then plan B w/b a safe and healthy option. Even if it ends in a D you w/b ready. If it heads to recovery, you w/b ready......either way you w/b ready..... isn't that good? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

FIM ... you really give good advice... just wanted you to know.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Blast, MB site was unavailable for over 3 hours. GOod thing I save this in Word.

Thanks Orchid, I just saw your 2nd post. That cleared that murky stuff out of the way. (Refuse to call it fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

I see it now. Whew! I think I found another thing to work on. My NEED to have a clear goal blinds me to the little steps. Note to self: Breathe, Lady, Breathe!

BTW, I am waiting for a return call from the Lt Commander. Can we say AAAAGGHHHH!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Pep thank you, too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A thought just crossed my mind. Do you ever feel like you are juggling not only your life events but your "personalities"? I mean, there is my professional side, my let it all hang out and be crazy side, the Mom side, the Plan A side, the Plan B side, the fight to the death for your marriage side, the Drop Dead you A$$ side, the hurt child side, the BS side. I thnk that is why I am feeling so shattered, I am spreading myself too thin!

Well, I get to try my Plan A tomorrow afternoon. WH has agreed to meet me for coffee away from the enabler's house. I will be a few minutes late, dressed in going-out clothes and will be happy and get through the drama of the legalities we have to dicuss then I am out of there. I am bringing a tape recorder.

Actually, I might just go out. I will call some firends and see what we can plan.

I so hate this sitch. And the CO/XO did not call back. Yay, more drama.

Well, I had a meeting with the DOrk. NOt only has he decided that he will pay 1/4 of what he originally said he would pay. And he wants to renege on the new mortgage that has already been approved. NOW he wants to take me off as beneficiary of his life insurance. WHich I don't think he can do but he will try. Gee I wonder who suggested all of this? Gee OW comes to mind. After all, his new found extra money can now go to her and her D instead of his own! He refuses to pay spousal support too. CRAP! My lawyer had better be a shark. I can see this is going to get seriously ugly.

And he told me that his CO said that I had to stop calling the ship or JAG would issue a cease and desist order against me. WTF? I have it all on tape so I WILL call his CO tomorrow and verify that that is what they told him. I doubt it. It's not as if DOrk is honest and tells the truth. Look what he said about the Padre. And when I verified the story with him, it wasn't in the least true.

I am not intimidated by this BS. Who the heck do they think they are dealing with?

All in all, it was just another nail in his coffin. My LB is at minus ten thousand.

I am resisting filing for D. But only because I expect him to do all of it with no help from me.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Hey FAA,

With all this terrorizing going on.... do you think that the OW is blameless in light of the current events?

L.

No, Orchid. I don't think OW is blameless. I know she is largely to blame. She has a vested interest in seeing us out of the picture. After all she has 3 or 4 children that now have a new "daddy". At the expense of his own family.

I don't mean that the A is her fault. What I mean is that the Dork has NEVER made a decision on ANYTHING without someone pushing him in that direction. He is a follower. That is why I KNOW, that if she hadn't been the good "listener" and "counselled" him to seek a divorce, he would not be doing what he is doing now. THat plus her and his new found friends only hear what he tells them so he feels justified in his actions, his lying and everything else he does.

ANd that is another reason that I am so outraged. He DID not leave until he had someone to replace me. In fact both OW have similar traits to me. Bothphysically and family wise. He has said that to me as well. SO, he has destroyed our family for a cheap imitation of me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would bet my life that if he had not gone to sea, we would still be together. THat of course does not mean that we wouldn't be in this same position some time in the future.

My SIL told me that WH always agrees with everyone. And insists that he is okay with that decision. But that he stuffs his REAL feelings and then blows up and lashes out and destroys that person and blames them for what he has done. SIL also said "once a liar, always a liar" about WH. And they are incredibly close.

I just don't know, Orchid. I am a very self-confident person and I like myself. I don't have a problem with self-esteem. But this? I am so battered and bruised and beaten up for things that are NOT my fault. And that is what is so hard to take. I have issues. WHo doesn't? But I am in IC for those and working on them. WH has not. He says he will but has procrastinated to the point I know he will not follow through even on the couples counselling.