My wife of 20 years recently had an emotional affair with an old love of hers..it has not become sexual at this point aside from some kissing according to her. I do believe in her and trust what she says.

She says that she has now discovered the reason for the affair was that she feels I have held her and our 3 children "emotional hostages" for years..and she needed emotional support and is too lacking energy to continue our marriage. She has feelings for the other guy, but is not sure if she really feels for him or if they are false feelings. She also no longer knows what she feels for me and can't say if she wants to try again with me. She feels as if I controlled her and the kids.

I grew up in a really screwed up home, and I guess I learned those behaviors. When she and I have gotten to a bad places in the past, I have taken some clothes and left...only to ride the bus around the city and then return to ask forgiveness. I have also threatened to hurt myself if she were to leave me. I never realized what an effect these things were having. I have set up therapy for myself and so has she. But I am so afraid it is too late...that she may really love this other man and my family will fade away. What can I do? Folks, I don't know what else to say right now...this is all my fault, but I feel so empty right now. I just want to make it right.

We are still living together...this has happened quite suddenly over the past few weeks. Our kids are 4, 13 and 16. We have never got to the point of splitting up before, but we have had disagreements about money, parenting, all the usual. Never any type of infidelity before. Like I said, I am still at home, actually sleeping in the same bed with her. She stared a new job today, and when I left to take the kids to school I got at least a small hug and a peck of a kiss on the lips. Guess that's a good thing, huh? This guy she was seeing was her "first" in high school...I knew about him, but she did not begin to try and contact him until December. Even in the midst of things, she would say she loved me...look in my eyes and smile. I knew that I was in trouble with the marriage..and was sure she was cheating when she called his name out while making love to me! She also says it often in her sleep. He is younger, single and more attractive than me...I don't know how I can compete with that. I want so badly to call him or email him and ask him to send her back to her family...but I know that will just make things worse as he would probably tell her I did it.

At this point, she is not willing to cut off contact with the affair. She has entered therapy individually, as have I. She will not discuss couples therapy at this point as she says she does not know if she loves me or wants to be married to me...she thinks she needs to work out her feelings for me and this other guy in therapy herself.

I feel like I don't have any hope, here. I still am at home, she sleeps in bed with me, changes clothes in front of me, stands nude and asks me for a robe in the bathroom. But yet she tells me that she does not know if she is in love with me...that she does not find me physically attractive anymore...and she is angry of this "emotional abuse" she alleges I have done to her. She hugs me goodbye and goodnight and I get a little kiss on the lips. What does all this mean??

Any continued advice appreciated....

Brian

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: baltimoredrummer ]</small>

Welcome to MB, bd. I hope you took legato's advice and started reading. From what you have posted, because she does not want to stop contact, a Plan A should be an option for you.

(And not to play semantics, but your wife was/is in a PA--it does not necessarily mean sex. However, a big red flag, why the hell would she be calling OM's name out during SF if they weren't engaging?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have set up therapy for myself and so has she. But I am so afraid it is too late...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a great start, bd. You understand that, even though there is no justification for your W's A, you realize you may have been a factor. Show her you mean business about working on your M. And it's a win-win situation--you will only improve and learn about yourself while showing your W you are committed to work on your M.

I'm sure some of the other veterans will chime in.

Best wishes and do some homework.

Question that I ned help with...

Since I found out and things went south, I have continued to compliment my WW when she looks nice, I have sent flowers and I continue to tell her ILY whenever I end an email or phone conversation. I have not heard an ILY back for days and days. My question sis this...should I continue to do these things? Are the deposits into the love bank really making a difference? Or should I refrain from saying ILY, giving compliments, doing little things, etc..so that she can see how it is to be without them?

Brian

Remember, Plan A is about discovering and learning to fulfill her most important emotional needs. If all of a sudden you're saying ILY where you didn't before and flowers, candy, etc. these may not be her most important ENs. It also might be perceived as merely a strategy to get her back, which in essence they are. If it doesn't seem to be working then I don't believe that I would continue or maybe just scale it down a little.

Many women need conversation. This is probably where men fall down most often. If this applies to your case you must realize that it can take awhile for the ice to break. It's mostly about learning to listen but many times WWs don't want to talk so it's tricky business trying to make them feel safe enough to open up.

Keep posting. Are you reading and learning?

It also sounds like you plead guilty to controlling. Can you give some examples of this behavior? Do you feel that this is something that you need to work on? Plan A also involves making positive changes in yourself.

Brian,

Plan A doesn't mean you reward your WW with flowers and so on ... and neither punishes her. Plan A is to stop the affair. Find out who the OM is ?. is he M ? think about exposure. Second is about convincing your WW that there is a better M if she would try. You should make a list of her complain before all of this mess and try to show her that you could change. I give you an example, if you are labeled as controling person, make sure important decision are POJA. Third is fulfilin ENs as much as she allows you to. This is to build LU$ to re-create in-love feeling to you.

Any hope ? ... last time I checked ... 93 votes, 73% (68) Yes, 27% (25) No.

-rh-

I spoke to Steve Harley on Tuesday and this is what he said Plan A is.

#1. Expose the Affair

#2. Demonstrate Change (in yourself) and NO LB's.

That's it, period.

Do not buy your wife gifts, beg her to stay, educate her, etc...

Do no tell your wife she needs to try and save the marriage, this will not work. You are only pushing her away.

She needs to see consistent change in "YOU." Do not focus on her at all, she will one day realize that she has issues also, deal with that later.

She needs time to think, lots of time. This will take months if not years to recover.

Baltimore:

I posted you a response on your thread on "Just Found Out". Hopefully it makes sense to you.

TooSoon

Here is the latest as the saga continues….. I am exhausted after all this going on for weeks. Last night it got to be time for the news (and ER was over..) so I told her that I was going to bed. She said “ok…I’ll be up in a couple of minutes, I just want to see how much snow we are going to get.” So, off I went….washed up and realized that my back was aching from work yesterday. I went downstairs to get some Tylenol…and there she sits on the phone with him! I asked how she could justify coming to bed and sleeping next to her husband after talking to her boyfriend. Yes, I know…I should not have done that…. I decided that it was my house, and I pay all the bills, so I was not going to give her privacy to talk to him. I sat right down next to her on the other sofa. She kept talking, saying “yes, I understand…I know”, etc. I was really angry at this point, so I opened my mouth again….I said “well, if you don’t have anything to hide, would you mind if I joined in a conference call with you on the other line there?” She told me (with him still on the open line) that they had wanted to talk all week. She said OM had just finished telling her that he did not love her, that there would be no relationship with them in the future, and that she needed to go back to her family where she belonged! Then she says “he (the OM) has been your best friend through all this….he has been the one to always take your side”…..I simply said, “Well, I thank him for that, but the truth is, YOU are supposed to be my best friend, not him.” I then went to bed.

Last night was her first therapy session…..she says that her therapist told her not to make any rash choices such as leaving or asking me to leave. She asked her to think of the reasons she married me, and why she had left the OM when they were younger. She seemed ok, this morning when she went to work….I still got my little kiss and hug when I left this morning.

So much for not doing any LB’s!!


Brian

It sounds like you have a good chance of saving your marriage to me. Was she upset that he told her that he doesn't love her?

She may try to continue to be 'friends'. This won't work. She will only recover her feelings for you through no contact with him and you making needed changes. But you cannot force no contact.

Here is another good link:

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines