IM sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. I didnt know where to go. I have been married for 3 and a half years. I love my wife more than anything. my day begins and ends with thoughts of her. 2 nights ago i cheated on her. and i am not sure i know why i did it...i was out with some buddies. I go out maybe once every 2 months or so with them and have a few drinks. talk and what not. we went to a bar\dinner that my friend likes. i had a few to many drinks and as the night went on it came down to just me and one buddy. he was arguing with his friend he brought with. I ended up talking to this female at the bar. i TOOK OFF MY RING!!! and proceded to flirt with her. i have gained alot of wieght in the past couple years. im up to 330 now and i havent felt very attractive. It felt good to have someone flirt back. but then i ended up at her place and..the whole affaire took less than an hour and it isnt like me to do this..i have had alot of relationships and an x wife (who cheated on me with 11 guys) so i know the hurt. but it didnt even feel like it was me. I got home and wanted to burn my clothes. I was in shock and felt numb..it was eating me up i betrayed my best friend. the one person in the world i would die for...and i dont understand why. i loved her and respected her too much to not tell her. I told her almost exactly 24 hours after it happend. I woke in the middle of the night plagued with visions of what i had done. she was devestated. she had always said she didt tolerate this and never thought for an instance that i would do it. I told her i would never drink again. as it is i maybe drink once every couple months.. and that i feel so horrible i dont want to ever do this again to her and i am so sorry. I begged her for forgivness and to give me a second chance. I have given many poeple many chances. this is the first time i have screwed things up like this. ever. my hobby is collecting dvd's I have over a thousand and are very important to me. I told her as a gesture of sacrifice on my part i would donate them to goodwill or something because i wanted her to know how serious i am. she says she still loves me. but she has to wear clothes to bed now..and closes the bathroom door. many little things like this. I am a good guy. I just made a mistake. the whole incident took less than an hour of my life and i screwed things up this bad. I want to pay for it and i dont want to loose my wife. i know it will take time. but i want to do everything i can to make it easier on her and for her to understand how much i am sorry. she is out with a friend talking about this. I am worried she wont come home. I cleaned the house and did the laundry. I wasnt very good with helping out before. is there some thing i can do? a gesture i can make? please help me. or point me in the right direction. please..

Hello imlost,

You may have a good chance of saving your marriage if you continue to do what you are doing.

The factors in your favor right now are :
1) You confessed immediately. That makes a huge difference, in my opinion.
2) She didn't leave you yet - or say she would D you.
3) You have been contrite - not looking for excuses.
4) You are trying to make changes to make yourself a better H.

But...

If you are looking for a "gesture" that will make it all go away, you're not going to find it.

Sorry.

This is a great website. The best parts are not in this forum but under the "concepts" link at the top of the page. Read all that. Find out what your "love busters" are. Find out what her "emotional needs" are. Get busy elliminating the LB's and fill her EN's.

Getting rid of your DVD's seems like a useless gesture - unless your collection is something she has been complaining about.

Focus your efforts in the right places.

1) Never contact the other woman again for the rest of your life. Never go to that bar again for the rest of your life. Never go out drinking with those friends. You might even cut those "friends" off entirely.

2) Be completly open and accountable for your time. Let her know where you are and who you are with and what you are doing 24/7 - and make sure she can check up on you. Give your your passwords, pin numbers etc. - a key to your office or any other places you have that she currently doesn't have access to. You get the idea.

3) Spend all your time in ways which benefit your W and family and your marriage. Why were you out at a bar without your W anyway?

4) Make a list of everything she has complained about in the last year. Fix those things.

Good luck,

-AD

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

thank you so much for responding. she has all my passwords etc. up until now i didnt think i hid anything from her. but if something like this came about maybe there was a problem i was not aware of in myself. she is a wonderful woman. i know there is no quick fix. and it will take time. i just want to make sure i am doing everything i possibly can to make this right. and to help her heal. and hopefully to not leave me...she complains a little about the dvd's but more about the money i spend then the collection itself. it was just the only thing i could think of that she kows means alot to me to show i would give it up for her. i just feel like im not doing enough. but at the same tim ei dont want her to feel pushed or rushed. and i have noone to talk to about this.

I'd say .. good job so far !!!

Be with your wife as much as she will let you for awhile.

Stand by her side and hold her when necessary.

You can get through this.

No more alcohol for you.

How much (if any) did your guy friends encourage you to flirt with the woman at the bar?
Pep

imlost,

Glad to see you're still around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imlost:
<strong> she complains a little about the dvd's but more about the money i spend then the collection itself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, so donating your collection would not fix that complaint. You can stop buying DVD's, go through the collections and set aside (to keep) those that she particularly likes, burn the porn (if you have any), and post most of the rest on E*bay or half.com. That way, you get some money out of it - which was her complaint. On the other hand, selling them online will take some of your time, that might be better spent on doing something else that pleases her - but it's something to think about. Ask her what she thinks about selling them. Make this something you agree on.

Does she really complain "a little"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

Im,

Welcome to MB. If this is the worst of your worst, then recovery is attainable. Many of us are here with WS' (that's what you now are - wayward spouse), that are 100 times worse. Kicking, screaming, vulgar, manipulative, crazy, irresponsible, liars, cheaters, etc. Let your W visit this site also.

Recommend the following:

1. Read the concept section above
2. Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire.
1st for you. Offer it to your W. If she doesn't want it, take it the 2nd time as her.

3. Call Steve, Jennifer or Cerri @ MB and setup some phone counseling. Costs a pretty penny but it is worth it. Or you can get a local reputable MC.

4. Get the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Read them together or at the very least, you read it.

Your W has every right to be devastated and angry. Because you are remorseful, she may not appreciate you quick turn around. That is why it is vital she visit this site (GQII) as long as it will not violate your space and need to post. We have helped both sides, providing you also put the effort into the above mentioned steps.

All the best to both of you. Recovery is possible. It is a hard lesson to learn and recover from but you are headed towards recovery quicker than many of us here.

take care,
L.

Hello imlost,

Welcome to MB.

I think you are off to a great start.I can hear the remorse in your posts and that is a big first step in the right direction.You know what you did was wrong and you are willing to change and make ammends.Many of us here don't get that chance with our WS's(wayward spouses).

In addition to what AD said,please consider counseling.If not Marriage Counseling(MC) right away,definitely IC(individual Counseling).You need a professional to explore with you why you made the decision to cheat on your W(wife).You admit to not knowing why you did so this is an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself and how to be a better husband.Your W of course could make some changes too so hopefully she will make an attempt at MC/IC too.

Tell her about us if you like.We can help her get through this too.Take some time to read and keep posting here.We're here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

thank you all so much. and no my friends would have talked some sence into me. only one was left at the bar and he was wrapped up in an arguement with his female friend. i wish i had just gone home...I thought about a counselor to find out why for myself. but am worried about going to see one jointly. if she wants i would never turn it down but i have known alot of poeple who see psyciatrists and what not and some of the theorys they suggest just seem so bizzare. plus i see wierd stuff on tv and in movies where the therapist make wild suggestions to a couple and they break up when if they had talked with each other and tried to work things out it looked to me that they might have...i dont know...its all still new..its only been 36 hours maybe since it happened...so many thoughts are flying around in my head...thank you for all the help tho..there are a lot of good ideas. i keep telling myself we can work it out. but i worry that she may decide we cant..not much i can do then..

Marriage counselors are not psychiatrists. Call Steve, Jennifer or Cerri from MB. They are very very good. Also it c/b done from the comfort of your home.

L.

and i did destroy all porn i had. she knew i had it and says it didnt bother her but it bothers me now. like maybe some seed was planted i was not fully aware of or understanding. either way no booze n no porn. and i told her i would never step into a bar again unless she was with me.

Start taking better care of yourself.

Join weight watchers, join a gym, go for walks with your wife.

Get healthy and you will feel better about yourself.

Pep

i kind of like the call idea...

i am trying to loose wieght...we have been doing atkins and like it alot. but when one of us falls off we both do. we are trying hardcore. she started with the stationary bike last week. I plan on doing it to this is just kinda taking the wind out of my sails to do anything. i feel horrible. all the time. not as bad as before i told her but...you get the idea..we have even considered surgery the past month or so but the cost would be outrageous and the missed work. would hurt us to much right now i think. so we are going to try the diet for awhile more. I will tell her about the site.

Viewing porn did plant a bad seed. You are right to destroy it.

Phone counseling works. Costs some # but it works.

Glad to see you are interested in making yourself and your family healthy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.