Hi Kmej --

Sorry you're having a tough day. I didn't read your rant, but I can imagnie.

OK, boundaries: Let's start with what's bothering you most, most upsetting, most disrespectful. What are the top 3 things you want him to stop doing? Then we can help you with how you enforce those boundaries.

What are doing these days that makes you feel good ABOUT YOU? What are good at that you aren't doing anymore? What aren't you doing that you'd like to do?

Answer these and we can help. Hang in there, sweetheart. I know you're not feeling very strong right now. We'll help -- we've been there.

Shellybird

I really do want to set boundaries, can someone please help me set one that will provide me with a way to be treated with respect

rewording that sentence...it really reads...

someone tell me some action (magic) I can do that can control/make my husband treat me a way I want him to....

no can do...
no one here can...

the question is....

what choices/action can kmej engage in to remove herself from situations in which she (feels) is disrespected....

feelings can betray us...
and you two are in a pattern of at eachothers throats a lot...
so you need to really step back from this...because I bet there are times that he does something and means you no disrespect but you two are so emeshed in being in conflict...that things get skewed...and each of you probably gets hurt and feels hurt when it never was the initial intention...


you gotta start basic..
you gotta start by every time he calls you a name...not reacting and walking away..
not mad
not anything BUT apathetic....

you gotta break the cycle...
he calls you names because it is comfortable and known....and you respond as expected...
time to rock his world a little...by just walking away with NO reaction...

ARK

K,

Hang in there girl. I was hoping things had got better around your house but it sounds like quite the contrary.

I don't really have anything really wise to say than a few encouraging words. Just to let you know that this MB buddy is rooting for you and your little hurricaines!

Miker

KMEJ:

"I am something I can change."

You still are. You just can't change your H.

Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

K,

I'm going to be blunt about this, because I don;t know any other way to be right now: if your marriage continues on this path, its end is inevitable. You WILL reach a point where you have no love left at all for this man. I suspect you are close to that point now.

You are doing many, many things that a reasonable person would respond to and respect. You seem liek a woman who wants very much to be in love with her husband - and who wants HIM to allow himself to be loved. But..he keeps pushing you away. I've been there, believe me.

This is just my HO, but..I think the time has come for you to begin thinking very seriously about your life after this relationship. It seems scary and hard...but you CAN do it.

A couple of things to think about: if you left today, who could you turn to for support? There must be someone in your life who would stand up for you against your H. Also, start to think about where you will go when you leave.

In short, my friend, you need to start planning. What scares you most right now, I think, is the uncertainty about what life will be like after you leave. Answer those questions for yourself. Get all of your ducks in a row.

KMEJ:
you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...With me it is different, they walk all over me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey, what are you teaching these boys????

If not for yourself (which is really the best reason), then Please, for your boys...

Take the advice given here: bullies can't help themselves... if you behave like a victem, they will continue to torment you, even though they know better! Even if they would like to stop. Especially when it become a habit.

You've gotten some great guidance here. It's up to you to decide to apply a thought or decision that can be your cornerstone to build your resolve.

Could it be a resolution to provide your boys with the finest example you can muster of what a healthy wife and mother looks like? One that they can model the woman they will seek after in their adult lives?

Maybe something else will be the ONE THING that drives you. For me, it was honestly realizing I truly deserve BETTER than how FWH was treating me. At first, I was amazed I'd even permitted any of the behavior. I was stunned by my own reactions to mistreatment (this cannt be me!) Then calm resolve took over...

Answer these questions: What do I have if I go on this way?

What do I have if I choose a different way?

In my case, I got to keep an unhealthy relationship and shattered self-esteem and pain and fear,

Or,

I got to have self-respect and a second chance at life on my terms - with ot without him.

But I was no longer willing to accept it the way it was.

KMEJ, my kids are adults, but they still look to us for "how things are supposed to be." Feel that responsibility and act on it.

Everyone's advising you to look at your prioritie and then honor them. Simple enough to say, but only a brutally honest look at your self and your life as it is and how you would have it be will tell you what you must do.

Write it down. Rewrite it. Keep rewriting it. Put it where you can review and revise.

You have a lot of help here.

You have survived so much, and are very strong.

Hope this help and not a 2x4....

Restarting

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I see so much strength and encouragement. Cherished you have gone through so much, and continueing to do so. You are one tough woman. I am in need of making decisions, and I am going to take some time with the questions posted to me. They are good ones that deserve real thought. One thing I know that I need to do is stop making excuses for my H, stop trying to change him. It reminds me of something my father always use to say. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference Or something very similar. I have focased so much of my time and energy trying to figure out what I did to cause my H to be this way, or what magical thing I have forgotten to do that tells my H it is okay to treat me this way. I am going to do my best to focus on me and what I can do to improve me and my self worth. I may slip up, but I really am going to try.

KMEJ:
You have a lot more time and energy if you put exactly nothing into trying to change your H.
Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

K,

Working on your self-esteem is great! It's going to be hard to do, though, when you are emotionally tied to a man who is hell-bent on bringing you down.

Again, I'd urge you to begin planning. Build your support network...and plan for life after this marriage.

Now...I don't want to be overly pessimistic. Can things get better? Of course. But based on what you've told us..the road is a long and daunting one. You need to plan.

I could start doing things for me and stop worrying if it will anger my H. I will start talking to my friends again, I will start doing things with my children with out checking with H. I will try to refind myself. If my H does not like it then I guess he can either chose to climb aboard or he can chose to step aside because the train we are on now is getting us no where. I guess it is time for me to grow up and stop waiting for others to make my decisions for me. I have always been a good follower and never the leader, maybe this is time to change that.

Andrew you are right I do need a plan, so then maybe making these changes will not be so scary because I have a plan in place. I will know what I will do if everything falls apart. The hardest part I think is where to live and what to do with my children while at work, maybe I will start with that. However presently this mono thing is kicking my butt and so it will be a slpw process at first, so right now I am going to take it one step at a time. I will write down my thoughts.

K,

First, I hope you feel better soon. Being sick sucks..especially when you have kids to care for.

As for your plan..it probably will take some time and a lot of research. As I noted..you need to build a support network.

What would happen, for instance, if you said to your mom. "Things aren't getting any better. I may leave X. Could I stay here for a while?"

Is she trustworthy, in terms of keeping a secret?

KMEJ:
What I am suggesting is that you STOP doing anything that is negative for you, not START doing things that might be negative for your H.

Cherished

I do not want to do things that are negitive to my H at all. I was not meaning to imply that was my intent. I just meant that I was going to try and start making decisions that would help me. I miss my friends, my H thinks that they are losers because they work in a resturant- however my school district friends are fine. I did not mean it to sound like I was going to do negitive things. I meant that I am going to continue to love my H, do what I can to improve me in hopes that it will inprove my relationship with him, but in higher hopes that it will improve my relationship with myself- is that better explained?

Andrew- Yes my mother would let me move in no problem- however she would call everyone she could think of if she had the knowledge that I was contemplateing it- she is the queen of gossip. I love her dearly however I could not trust her with forward knowledge. That and she lives over an hour away. I am not sure as of yet whom I would ask. And yes being sick is no fun- however I plan to go back to work tomorrow if I can get through today with out a nap...

Cherished ... you have become a real *ace*.

Just letting you know.

I admire how far you've come.

Pep

K,

First step of your plan is to get yourself healthy. I don't think you don't want to embark on anything unless your health is ok. First priority in my humble opinion.

Think your way through this and take your time, you've already suffered this long so you can afford the time to plan this carefully.

And by all means post your ideas and get feedback before you decide to jump into anything.

Even if you don't decide to execute your plan its good to have it as a backup. (How can you tell I'm a planner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Miker

Thanks Miker- I was reading your post as you were reading mine- weird. Thanks for the advice. I need to plan plan plan. When I have somethings in mind I will post them to make sure I am seeing things with a clear mind and not just planning out of hurt or anger. That is what I tend to do, make rash decisons while I am hurt or mad and then I pretend that nothing happened in a day or two. It is equally my fault the marriage is where it is today as it is my h's. I guess I can see why he would not change- why would he change something that is working so well for him?

Cherished, I have to wholeheartedly second Pep, amazing how far you've come. KMEJ, you would do well to listen to Cherished, she's LIVED the life you are living now.

KMEJ also wanted to tell you to be very, very careful with pushing ANY sort of exertion with your mono, you could be down for months longer if you do too much. Rest is the key, you just have to ride it out. No choices in that regard really, so make your health a priority right now okay? Best, KB

I will have rested a week tomorrow- is that not long enough? How long should I stay down?

I do value Cherished opinion because I know she is talking from experience. I am very grateful for her time and paitence with me.