well I was looking forward to some quality time with H tonight after last nights mishaps- sent him several text messages stateing that I was thinking of him, that I wanted him, that I desired him, that I was feeling rather naughty (get the point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) well apparently H did not- he called me at 8:30 and told me his friend wanted him to come over for a while- I asked if he had gotten my messages- he said yes- I said and he still wants to go to his friends house??? He said yes- I told him to do what he wanted. he wanted to know what that was suppose to mean- I told him that he knew what I wanted now it was up to him. He said thanks honey I will bring you home lunch- see you later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He has blown me off again for this guy. I have heard of guy time but please- he already spent most of the week with him. We have not had sex in weeks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and I do not count the OS for him. I really wonder what is going on- if I am no longer attractive to him, or if he is getting it elsewhere. It just does not make since he is 26 and so am I- he should want SF should he not? I keep getting turned down- 4 times this week alone! When I offer he says he would Love OS- however I say no (it goes no farther and nothing for me) so he is then not interested. Confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Oh well the sun will come up tomorrow- and I get to go back to work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and get out of this house.

My plan is still in the works- however I am hitting several road blocks.

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really wonder what is going on- if I am no longer attractive to him, or if he is getting it elsewhere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ, he has you running in circles.....you already asked this question a few months back in one of your earlier posts.

Do you see the pattern yet?

He continually disrespects you. You try to tolerate it. You get angry enough to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. He starts to behave....you renew (and project) your hope that he is changing. He then goes back to disrespecting your needs. You question yourself. He has control again, and begins to continually disrespect you again.

Over and over and over and over and over. SSDD, same dance, different song. Only this time, it's the same dance, same song.

KMEJ - what happened to your plan? Sorry, but the only roadblocks in the way are ones which you allow to be there. Even though you are sick, you can still set and enforce boundaries. You can still work on your own emotional detachment. You can still work on your own self confidence and faith in yourself.

YOU have fallen back into your own old patterns. Forget about him - he is irrelevant at this point.

And as for SF....sweetie, get a toy. Granted, they aren't nearly as good, but they get the job done. Maybe if he sees he has been replaced by a piece of plastic and a D battery, he will then take care of his manly duties. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

KMEJ:
There is nothing confusing about what is going on.

Here, this is a summation of POJA right from Harley's radio program last week. It is the clearest expression of it that I have seen: "In a mutually caring relationship, both people care enough about each other so that neither would want the other person to be hurt. It just seems to make common sense."

Your H is not showing care for you. In the end, it doesn't matter why. It could be another woman, it could be he doesn't like being a father, it could be you gained some weight, it could be he got wrapped up in his job, it could be a drug or alcohol addiction, it could be a mid-life crises.

It's up to him to decide he cares enough about you to want to make you happy.

It is so clear to me what is going on with it, and it is also clear to me that our marriages are similar. I'm in the same boat as you, trying to find some hope in what seems like a hopeless situation.

Consider getting therapy. I have gone to therapy now more than 80 times. The woman told me that she started classifying my case as a V-code which indicates marital problems. She told me that, after 4 visits, she usually is forced to classify cases as Access I or Access II. One of these is for situational problems (like a death or divorce) and the other is for lifelong mental problems like narcissism. She is still using the marital code. Therapy doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Therapy is a way for you to sort through the situation you are in, recognize once and for all that you cannot change your husband, and decide what you want to do about it.

Easier said than done. I know. In the long run, though, I think that facing reality is easier than denying and trying to behave as if something is true when it is not.

Is your H showing care for you by running out with the boys?

Cherished

LIT and Cherished- thank you for taking the time to share that with me, and not hitting me with a 2x4. I was thinking myself that this is all SSDD.

LIT- you are right there is a pattern- and I do subject myself to it over and over in hopes that THIS IS THE TIME that H is going to stay better- however I am usually disappointed. It is like banging my head against a wall. I need to stop clinging to the small rays of hope that he gives off.

Cherished- again your guidance and helpful insight and wisdome have helped me again- to know that I am not alone in this (unfortunently) and to see the errors of my way.

Today is my first day back at work in a week and I am so tired and so nausous (sorry I suck at spelling that word) all I want is to go home and go to bed.

I had so much fun today- went to work for the first time in a week- H never even asked how I was feeling- did not care (well did but did not act on it) and then it is 30* and sunny here today- B*E*A*U*tiful day here in Minnesota- the snow was sticky so I grabed the snowfort maker and started to make the kids shelters so they could have a big snow ball fight with their friends when they got home- it was a blast. SO here I sit now with my coat on and writing to you all.

For some reason my H is not bothering me today- not the fact the kids were still in there Jammies or that the youngest was running around with a soiled diaper, not that the dishes from the day were everywhere and the house looked like a few tornadoes hit it (which they did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I simply just wanted to go outside and enjoy my kids- so I got them dressed, and we went and played outside. It sure is great to be a mom most days.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And as for SF....sweetie, get a toy. Granted, they aren't nearly as good, but they get the job done. Maybe if he sees he has been replaced by a piece of plastic and a D battery, he will then take care of his manly duties </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought of that- heck actually done that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> however that is the problem- I am perfectly capeable of taking care of the logistics aspects all by myself (too efficiently too) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> it still leaves me craveing my H- for the touch and affection peice that my B.O.B. does not fullfill. That is also part of it- even if H and I are intimate it is more like a wam bam thank you mam- it is about his needs and desires lately and not much for what I need to bring me where I need/want to be. Make since? Man I hope so because now I am rather embarressed.

Edited to change a few blatent type-o's

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

I must be using this as my new journal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway H did not come home again last night- I called him at 3:30am and asked where he was and he wanted to know what I was doing awake- He claims that he was at his friends house and did not call because he did not want to wake me up- we talked at 10pm- you would think he would know then.... Anyway I asked him if he was messing around again and all sacasticly he said "Yeah Katie that is what I am doing"- Part of me really thinks he either is already or will be soon. A few days ago I sent him text messages of what I wanted to do with him when he got home and he chose to go to a friends house in stead of coming home. SO to make the idea stick more in his head I sent him pictures on his phone of me in black lace boyshorts and a black little t-shirt with a little note saying I could not wait for him to get home and he blew me off again!!!! I am thinking he is either already cheating and so he is avoiding me because he feels guilty or he has lost interest in me and would rather be with his friends. Not sure which yet.

I am not sure why I am surprised- all the signs have been leaning towards him having another A- He swears he is not but his actions tell me otherwise. I am getting the whole "your paranoid" thing.

I am trying to decide if I should rather follow him to get more info...

Girl,

We need to get you focussed here......

What are you getting from him?

So far, all we can see is what you are NOT getting from him. Would it really make a difference if he is having another A? Point being he is not meeting any of your needs, and you need to get strong enough to meet them on your own.

As it stands now, you keep throwing yourself at him, and he is still not meeting any of them. So where does that leave you? If you are not able to meet them by yourself, then that makes you codependent.

KMEJ - I don't know if you want to be codependent or not. Some people can live in that role for a long time. I did. But once I realized that I was choosing to be in that role, I decided I wanted out. I was miserable. H was not meeting my needs - I was not meeting my needs. No one was. I was so very vulnerable to another man meeting my needs.

But you know what....even if I hadn't pulled my head out of my [censored], and stayed with OM....I would have just shifted my codependency onto him. This is what everyone is talking about when they say you MUST take care of your own issues in the M before you can truly have a healthy relationship - whether it be with your H or another man in the future.

You know the answer. You can write here as much as you want, hon. We do care. But at some point, you will have to own up and decide what you want. Otherwise, you will just keep being disappointed.

((((((hugs KMEJ))))))

Find your strength <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

LIT- I think you are right, I may just be co-dependent. I can make my own sunshine but I let my H rain on it too easy.

So do you think it is a bad idea to find out for sure?

I told him last night that I was not happy- he gave me no response.

I also am scared that I am very vunerable to an A- as I am so lonely- I do not want to do that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also am scared that I am very vunerable to an A- as I am so lonely- I do not want to do that!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((((KMEJ))))

Been there, done that....as an avoidance of my only other option at the time - leaving my H. Trust me that my experience tells me it IS NOT WORTH IT. You are wise to identify your vulnerability now. I did not. And I was taken in. All it did was make me face the same music later, but with an added component of self hatred. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

One of the best things, I think, for you would be to go find a counseling group. Mine was instrumental in holding me to goals with a timeframe - and then making me responsible for the attainment of those goals. Nothing like human interaction, and about 5 people hounding you to make you break down! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's what it took for me. I went home from group crying many nights. But it also made me look at reality, and see that I was codependent, and choosing my situation.

They also gave me the support (along with this site) for me to grow independently. I am no longer afraid. In fact, I am now more afraid to go back to my M (for fear it would not be different) than I am to be on my own. It's actually a good feeling.

I just wish I had done this before I chose the A..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What are some resources you think might help?

KMEJ:

From the book, "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders": “If you really care about your partner, you won’t encourage him to suffer if it’s only on your behalf. Not even once. That’s because care, by definition, is your willingness and ability to make your partner happy and avoid making him or her unhappy. When you expect your partner to suffer so you can have what you want, you are not caring anymore. You are lapsing into selfishness.”

It does no good for you to be calling your H or telling him you are hurt. He already knows. This is not a miscommunication. This is, "I don't care how much I hurt you."

Cherished

Kmej,

My thoughts is when you try to make yourself look enticing to a WS, they find some sort of joy in blowing the BS off. It is sick logic at best..... hurts real bad.

So take a look at the suggested books and the book love must be tough by James Dobson.

You need tough love not the kind he can give. My gut tells me he is having an A. What friends w/b up that late on a work night? Hm.......... well you need to toughen up for yourself.

Why?

Because you are worth more than the way you are being treated now.

take care,
L.

oops

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I have the book- Love must be tough- read it when the whole A started- I think it is time to break it out again- I also have Buyers Renters and Freeloaders however I have not even broken the spine on that one yet- I will have to start readiing.

Got home today my feelings were still hurt I was still mad at H even though I had a whole day to cool off- but walking into blareing music a messy house and and toddler still in a soaked diaper and jammies- I did not use my best tone of voice. So I was a bad wife, and we both were wrong- we both said things in a mean way and we both basically LB'ed all over the place. I should KNOW better. I should also realize by now that he does not give a cr@p about how things effect me as long as he is happy it is all good. why I keep thinking he will change is beyond me- wishful thinking I guess. It will get me know where!

I do feel that H was out of line- does not excuse my behavior- just an experience to grow on.