Here is my recent drama jsut in case you are not familiar: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=036344

I am a survivor of molestation by my father and emotionally abuse by my mother. I also have a SF, but he is a decent guy (except maybe that he is M to my Mom! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ) I am estranged fr my father, more because of his choices, but I don't feel as if I am missing anything. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict and I am still healing from the scars he left on my soul.

My Mom is someone who really never learned what a Mom should be. She tries, but it is all sorta haphazard and often annoying... She gets angry when I am not meeting her needs, but then it has always been about her! I am the mother I am today by doing much the opposite of what my mom did. I was placed in the middle of their D and their arguments, at 8, I was the adult! Still have alot of unresolved resentment toward her, but now realize that I have to work through it because she is incapable of being what I need as a mother...

I was actaully hypnotized a few years back for weight loss... and the therapists said something about taking the hand of that little girl inside of me and holding her and protecting her like I would my own kids, let her know she is safe. I started sobbing uncontrolably!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It took me so by surprise... I could see myself as a little girl in my mind, and the adult me took that little girl in her arms and I knew that I was safe... it was so strange, stayed with me for weeks. I then realized there was still alot of pain that I have choked down and kept under wraps...

Anyway... My WH has known for years that his dad sexaully abused his sisters. The revelation came out at our house over a game of cards when a little too much wine had been consumed... it was so sad, stomach turning, awful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Both thought that they were protecting the other by keeping quiet... Over time WH started talking about the odd memories of his mom and sexual issues... later it came out that his dad had a hankering for incest porn, so I am sure there was alot of nasty stuff going on. This actually would explain alot, like WH mom's multiple suicide attempts and nervous breakdowns... she wasn't handling life all that well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well WH confirmed through a sister recently that he, too, was definitly sexually abused. He had repressed so much, but did have specific memories and when he asked his sister about them she confirmed his fears. She said she wasn't going to say anything, hoping he did not remember. He has since talked to me about some very vivid and sad memories that he has. This isn't supposition, this is full blown accounts, right down to the time of day and day of the week (like Sunday after church).

Today WH confronted his father with alot of this, threatened to expose all his evil secrets to the world. He talked to his mom and told her he was going to "ruin" his father. She ended up at her doctor to get a sedative! It all came to head, both WH and father threatening each other's lives, etc... got ugly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now WH feels guilty, wants to take it all back, wants to talk to his Dad and ask forgiveness, wants to make his Mom feel better. I do not understand?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> If his anger was real and justified, why would he want to do a 180 and take it all back? I am not saying the threats were justified, but there is obviously alot of unresolved anger just boiling under the surface... why does he want to protect them?

Neither one of his sisters will answer his calls, either, so they seem to know. Granted, they both moved 1000s of miles away and come to visit once a year and once every couple of years respectivley, but they still see both parents... They seem to gravitate to their Dad, though, and hold alot of resentment toward their mom. Why?

Please help me put this in perspective... I do not understand the need to protect the person who hurts you so deeply... I know the love for the parent, but I am hurting so bad for my WH and his sisters. How do I support here? What should I do? Help me understand?

If this has come to light recently keep in mind that this has destroyed his relationship with his parents.

He rightfully has a lot of anger, but at the same time he is feeling a deep loss.

Please help me put this in perspective... I do not understand the need to protect the person who hurts you so deeply... I know the love for the parent, but I am hurting so bad for my WH and his sisters. How do I support here? What should I do? Help me understand?

The best way to support is to LISTEN. Be there. Validate how he is feeling. Let him know that its ok to feel the way he is.

My wife is a survivor of CSA. Just within the last 5 months the full extent of the abuse has come out. She has been through so many ups and downs it isnt even funny.

Well the abuse by his father has been uncovered at least 5 years ago, but he never confronted him.

The CSA by his mother is just now reaching full disclosure... in fact two or three days after he confessed to this A he was curled up in the fetal position sobbing about her hurting him. So this is very new.

BTW, none of our children are allowed to spend any time alone with any of them, and they do not see them all that often. I cannot take that chance...

Confrontation is a very emotional action. Its quite normal to feel guilt and remorse afterwards.

While yes those people hurt him, they are still his parents. We are raised to look up to and respect them. They are a very large part of our lives, and when you confront them over somehting like this you basicly end up casting them from your life.

Its alot like the mourning steps you go through after a death.

well that I understand... I have been mourning the death of my M lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


I know he is still dealing with an incredible amount of things, including his own A and a painful back injury. I do not want to push him w this one way or another, cause if something backfires it will be my fault. BTDT!

Still, hard to feel warm fuzzies for these people and smile sweetly while I am disgusted by them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not want to push him w this one way or another, cause if something backfires it will be my fault. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you know, as much as you may want to, it has to be choices HE makes. I know very well how hard it is to sit back and watch it, but it truly is about all you can do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Still, hard to feel warm fuzzies for these people and smile sweetly while I am disgusted by them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldnt feel positive about them. Smile Sweetly?? Is there really that need? How much interaction is there between you and them?

I have dreams about ways to punish my in laws. There is no way I would EVER smile at them for ANY REASON. Well maybe one, but I wont go into that here.

<smirk> I bet I could guess!

Well since MIL moved back to the area with her dork of a H recently, we do see her more often than we used to. Still, I'd say once a month or so is normal for "visits". Even before this, there was not a high level of love and attention going around. In fact, WH has often resented his Mom, she is an emotional wreck and can be quite taxing to be around.

I rarely see FIL although H sees him more often. After talking to him today, I realize he blames ME for many of the problems here and with WH... guess that is easier than seeing the mess he mad of his childrens' lives! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Still, I know I will be expected to "behave"...WH motto in life is "keep the peace"

Well a new day has dawned, and my WH has failed to get up and help w/ the kids get off to school (like he swore to them he would)... thank goodness I am off of work today! This also means he did not go to the Promise Keepers meeting this morning, as it would appear he is still asleep, but since he is not here I do not know for sure!

Well the questions is still out there, what makes survivors of CSA and other survivors of abuse want to protect their abuser?

Good question - I will think hard about this one. First of all when wwe were little people did not talk about such things - skeletons in closets?? Second of all if you were sexually abused and people knew it you were classified as someone bad. I remember after a neighbor 18 yr old living next door sexually molested me -I went home and sat on toliet I was 4 yrs old. Saw blood in toiliet and called for my mother. She came looked and hit my across the head and said go out and play you little whore. I ran out the door. Scared now twice. I had to be good or else. I have grown to forgive for my own health but have never had a close realtionship with anyone in my family. This is why the WH -A's have devestated me -he is was the only person in my life I have ever trusted. Now I feel I am alone. When I was 18 I moved away from my family and decided to make a life for myself -keep visits to the family short and pleasant -yeah avoid conflict. I began a life of my own -yeah made plenty of poor choices. Had 2 sons and raised them so much better than I ever had it. I had decided and I remember the day -I was seven and made this promise after a very bad beating -When I grow up and have kids I will never beat them. I lived up to that. My kids are my buddies and I love them and am proud of them both. Something my parents never had with any of their children. We used to say we don't have alot of money but we have lots of love !! I had figured out on my own that I had to move past all of this and grow up and be a good person for ME !!!Well that is my short story -don't know if it will help you but good luck. It is a hard place to be and I pray for you and your WH.

Oh yeah - my mother has rewritten history -she was always the tender loving Mom..What ever -she could not live with the memories of what she did to me -so she lives in a dream world but what am I gonna change she is 86. I couldn't change her so I cahnged me.

Ok, Now that I am not at work I can get into this a little more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what makes survivors of CSA and other survivors of abuse want to protect their abuser? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there are really many reasons for this.

1) Avoidance. They dont want to face or admit the abuse.

2) Fear. Fear of the abuser. Fear of what others may think.

3) Protection. If they protect their abuser it also protects them. The fear is part of it. But it also protects an image. It protects happy memories from childhood.

4) I think for men ego is also one reason. Its hard for a woman to admit she is a victim, with the way men are raised its viewed as being weak if you are abused.

5) Love. Remember this is his parents. I am sure he does love them in some way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Well the questions is still out there, what makes survivors of CSA and other survivors of abuse want to protect their abuser?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Momma’sSad, I’m a survivor of sexual child abuse between the ages of 2 – 5 years (my father and uncle). Also physical abuse by my father. It took me more than 20 years to find the courage and strength to finally confront my abusers and get things out in the open (I did this with the help of a IC 3 years ago). I send a letter to each of them and had a personal face-to-face conversation with them afterwards. This is the most difficult and frightening thing I’ve done in my life, but at the same time it was the best and most empowering thing I could have ever done for myself!

I would say all those years fear, shame and misplaced guilt was the one thing that prevented me from confronting my abusers and expose them. Fear of humiliation, fear of embarrassment, fear of conflict etc, etc. Also, I was very ashamed of what happened to me and didn’t had the courage to talk about it.

I never wanted to protect my abusers, but I wanted to protect their innocent families. At the time I know if I would expose my abusers to their own families it would cause so much pain & hurt to their wife’s, parents, children etc. I only informed my mother and brother about the abuse on a later stage. I also informed my father about my uncle’s abuse (his youngest brother). I didn’t want my uncle’s innocent family (wife, children and my grandparents) to suffer pain because of something that was never their fault and happened more than 20 years ago. As a result I confronted my uncle without informing his family.

I hope this post could help to answer your question and provide insight in some way.

Suzet

Edited to add:
I informed my H of my abuse before we get married, but I asked him to kept quite about it. It was very difficult for him but he respected my request. Of course it was a great relief for him after I finally decided to confront my abusers and receive therapy. Together with my therapist, my H was the one who encouraged me to get things out in the open. He was also the one who supported me through all of this! I love my H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Momma just a thought -did you ever think about moving away from them -the constant reminder of them could make it worse. You know out of sight out of mind? Just a thought.

I actually have alot to say about this and will expand upon it when I get back, have to get Baby girl from preschool... even have a MC revelation to share that shocked the heck outta me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Thx! See ya soon.