Okay, had an interesting MC session today...

My H said that he needed to know that 30 years from now we would not still be talking about the A on a daily basis and that it wouldn't be thrown in his face.

While I certainly hope this won't be the case, I was mildly annoyed that I was being put on some sort of a time table. It made me feel as though his commitment was somewhat conditional. He also mentioned that while he doesn't mind my snoopiness for the present time, he hoped that would also subside.

It made me a little uncomfortable, but I let it pass because I, too, hope that will not be the case 30 years from now.

The MC then started talking about building trust. This topic made me feel highly guarded. She said that she didn't see why I shouldn't be there in 1 year and even further along in 2. It felt like I wasn't even in the room as they sat there forecasting.

I had to fight the urge to run out of the room. It felt like one of those movies where everything gets out of focus and you hear everyone's voices at the same time. It sounded like this...

"Blah blah blah...30 years, blah blah blah, trust in 1 year, or 2 years, blah blah trust is a choice...

I'm not even sure how I feel. Trust is a choice? Why doesn't it feel like it? I don't want to be pressured to trust. If it took him 1.5 years to demolish my trust and it is said that it's much easier to destroy trust than it is to build it, shouldn't I have been given at least 3 years? It's only been TWO FREAKING MONTHS!

And why do I have a time limit? I don't know that I can just CHOOSE to trust. Won't I just naturally start to trust when I feel it's safe to?

If the love of my life had died a horrible death, would anyone expect me to be over it and ready to move on to a new relationship after 2 months? I think not. And that's exactly how I feel! I LOVED who I thought that man was. He is gone and really never existed. That was stolen from me. My whole life was destroyed in a single moment and changed forever. It IS traumatic! I now have the daunting task of trying to get to know someone "new", try to move forward, do some pretty time-consuming work (reading, posting, MC'ing) all while trying to manage my pain and still have time to work, raise children, and maintain some sort of semblance of normalcy.

WHAT DOES HE EXPECT??? I could see his point if I were completely stagnant and had made no progress in 2 months. That's not the case. I believe I have.

Have you ever been climbing up a hill with a friend who seemed to manage it with ease while you struggle(probably due to the fact that their leg isn't broken)? They race ahead and won't even wait for you! Once they get too far ahead, you don't feel like climbing anymore. You feel like sitting your butt down and saving your breath. What's the point? You're feel like you're climbing alone anyway.

Hey Frozen,

I can see how you would feel pressured by all of this... Believe me, I know exactly what you're feeling.

When we started MC, our MC basically said the same things... and I pretty much said what you've just written.

I can tell you from personal experience, that if BOTH of you are willing to keep working through the issues, that with time, you WILL be able to trust Patriot again.

It's not easy, but the efforts are well worth it. BOTH of you are in control of rebuilding your M... so I guess the best advice that I can give you is to just focus on the day-to-day things that you and your H can do to help you learn to trust him again... With consitant trustworthy behavior, you will soon start trusting him more and more...

Oh, and Patriot... heavily padded 2x4 coming your way here... Please DON'T tell Frozen that she should just 'get over it' or ask her 'why haven't you forgiven me yet'... If you really want to set her back, just say one of these phrases...

Your MC laid out a plan/timeline for you guys... do the hard work and focus on one day at a time... rebuilding your M is a life-long process.

Semper Fi,
RIF

frozen,

I think you're perfectly justified in feeling how you feel. A suggestion tho, is that trust is not something that is necessarily just given. Much like respect. It has to be earned. So maybe you don't feel like you trust him now. Fine. But nothing keeps you from "testing the waters", and if he passes muster, you may find that it increases your trust.

I submit that if you do nothing, it will take longer than doing something.

Does that make sense?

It sounds to me like your husband is asking for your hope...

My H said that he needed to know that 30 years from now we would not still be talking about the A on a daily basis and that it wouldn't be thrown in his face.

that's a pretty generous time frame he threw out at ya....he didn't say a week,,,,a month... even one year...he said thirty...

he's asking for your forgiveness....in a round about way from someone who knows that they messed up pretty bad....and are afraid of losing you...

his wording of 30 years...speaks well of someone who doesn't expect you to just get over it...

former WS need hope...
and hopefully people in marriage counseling attempting to rebuild...don't have to have trust and all the answers...but hope is a good thing to have...

and instead of bristling and feeling uncomfortable in the safety of marriage counseling...frozen...use your time to speak your fears.....
not clam up...

husband says...
My H said that he needed to know that 30 years from now we would not still be talking about the A on a daily basis and that it wouldn't be thrown in his face.

the world is at your feet to reply..

say back to him...

I need to know that you will never do what you did not just in 30 years from now...i need that today...

say back to him...

i don't want to be focused on this in thirty years either....i need to know you are willing to do the work to not put in such a place...

frozen don't tune out...
tune in...

if your not listening to him...
then there is no re-building...and that's really what this site is about post affair....

It's only been TWO FREAKING MONTHS

you are right...but your man is willing to hang in there...for thirty years...just not thirty years and one day...

don't waste your MC tuning out..
tune way in....
talk of how you see him building trust..
talk of what you need
talk talk talk talk talk....

when I read your post...
I saw a man asking for hope..
and for his wife to once again perhaps be able to believe in him...


and i saw a BS knee jerk her emotions and tune out....
ARK

Wow, thanks guys for your perspectives. You are more than likely correct. I let my emotions get the best of me, as usual. Now that I have slept on it, and read your posts, things are a little more clear. I just seem to be moving two steps forward and then I take one step back. The step back is due to my fears that he is just giving me lip service. He is so good at saying just what I want to hear and that seems to be the main reason we are in this position - because he wasn't honest about what he really felt. I'm afraid and I don't know if it's safe to believe him.

On the positive side, I AM moving forward.

EVERYTHING about his actions tell me that he is willing to do the work. I am very appreciative of that. Frankly, if he wasn't, I probably wouldn't be here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">don't waste your MC tuning out..
tune way in....
talk of how you see him building trust..
talk of what you need
talk talk talk talk talk....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I wish I would have done. I'm not the clamming up type. But I was angry and defensive. I felt like they didn't understand how difficult this is and how very scary it is to move forward. Next time maybe I can try leaving my emotions at the door and listening to them from a logical angle.

Thanks, guys, for your posts. Your responses helped me immensely.