Ok here is a question. My H told me today that he still wishes he could talk to the OW. She had become such a good friend to him that he would love to share what has been happening in his life since they stopped talking. He says that some days are worse than others, and that he has not contacted her. How do I deal with that? I know that he won't contact her, but it is still so hurtful to hear that he wants to. He also says there are times that he still desires her. Now, before you get all upset with him telling me this, I have asked him to share these things. I think when you are secretive about it, the desire grows. But, it is difficult to hear, and I'm not sure how to deal with those feelings. I am not even sure if the feelings are jealousy, hurt, or what. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks!


True

It is a good thing that he's telling you this, but there's something he doesn't "get":

You can't have contact with your affair partner. Any. It's completely unacceptable. She is the source of tremendous pain for you, and he should recognize this - she may have been his friend, but she intentionally wounded you. If he wanted to defend you and protect you, he would not want to be friends with her.

And of course, any contact could easily cause him to lapse back into wanting to resume the affair. He might insist it isn't so, but he doesn't know what he's talking about.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truetoself:
<strong> Ok here is a question. My H told me today that he still wishes he could talk to the OW. She had become such a good friend to him that he would love to share what has been happening in his life since they stopped talking. He says that some days are worse than others, and that he has not contacted her. How do I deal with that? I know that he won't contact her, but it is still so hurtful to hear that he wants to. He also says there are times that he still desires her. Now, before you get all upset with him telling me this, I have asked him to share these things. I think when you are secretive about it, the desire grows. But, it is difficult to hear, and I'm not sure how to deal with those feelings. I am not even sure if the feelings are jealousy, hurt, or what. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks!


True </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the addiction talking, but it is also your husband opening up to you. Take is as a semi-good thing - he is being honest, and it takes time to get over the addiction. Don't know how long - I think that may depend on how close they got. Maybe let him know that you understand, but that it hurts to hear that?

truetoself -

I'm sorry you're feeling this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do think it's a VERY good thing that he shared it with you though. That in and of itself shows so much hope for recovery.

The important thing to remember is that he didn't share anything with HER...he shared it with YOU.

I wondered a lot about how I would feel watching my WH go through withdrawal. I hated the thought of trying to be there for him as he grieved for that fantasy and for OW.

I told myself that if I could live through knowing he cared for and chose to be with another woman, I could go through just about anything.

It doesn't help you , I know. The sad fact is that recovery is going to be so very hard. It's going to hurt.

I think the best that you can do it expect it. Be prepared and know that each time you go through it is one step closer to a real lasting recovery.

I feel for you...and at the same time rejoice for you. The fact that he opened up to you is a good step and I hope you find healing and peace.

Thank him for that. Thank him for opening up. Someone else may come along and say something else...I haven't gone through the beginning stages of recovery...heck I never got to the NC part! But I think that telling him how much you appreciate him talking to you is important.

Let him know it hurts. Let him know it does bother. Do it in a non LB or DJ way.

This way he continues to come to you and you can open up your hurt to him. The trust begins. YOu build a foundation for future communication. It's a long road and you need those building blocks.

Something good can come of even the most painful events. I pray for peace and hope in your heart.