Trying to figure out if I'm having a pipe dream or what. I'm still trying to figure out some of the shorthand so please bear with me. My wife started an A mid December 2005 with someone in the british navy visiting our local base for the holiday's. I confronted her and she said she wanted to work on our marriage but could not stop seeing him. I moved out shortly after. He is gone now but they do email. She say's she's not sure what she wants, that it will take a while for her to decide whether she want's to stay married or not. She has offered me a D, and as we have no children of our own (4 stepdaughters) I owe her nothing. She is not asking anything of me. I still love this woman and think if we can work it out with MC we might salvage the marriage. Is this a pipe dream? I do spend time with her and the children and think of them as my own. She say's she know's it's likely nothing will happen with this man, and that's ok with her. I am willing to wait and see, but know I will likely be crushed worse if she decides she doesn't want the marriage later on. HELPPPPP!!!!

Get yourself to an MC or better yet, call Steve @ MB.

Read the concepts section above and take the EN questionnaire. Read the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs......

Start now.

Then come back and post how you are feeling. Right now you need to stop enable the WS and the A. You are obviously meeting some of her needs and she is not meeting yours with the same spirit.

As for the children, reassure them of your love and form a family alliance against the A.

How old are the children?

L.

Children are 12, 11, twin 9 year olds and all are asking me when I'm coming home. I am seeing a counselor presently an have been helped to a large extent although I know I have a long way to go.

I guess I should add I found out about the A on 12/26/04, Moved out 12/27/04 and I still go to see her. Stepkids all want us back togeather. She still emails him although I don't know how often he writes back as he is in British Navy and they are off on Maneuvers. She say's she's not sure if they will get back togeather or not, but if he showed up today she would go right back where they were at. She has agree'd to counceling, but "when I'm ready" - this goes for both MC or for just her. Her family is also on my side. My family think's I'm nuts trying to save the marriage. H

Do you love your W or this WS person?

Please do as suggested above. You need to have a plan. The children need to know that they will not be abandoned. Right now she has abandoned all of you in different stages. Time with the OM is not free. You family pays a high price. Don't forget that.

Now you know of the A, make sure your actions don't enable the A. Read how NOT to enable the A. Also don't reward a WS.

take care,
L.