WS and I are in Plan A and had a long conversation last night. He explained essentially that he had an exit affair. He really thought our marriage was ended before he had the affair.

* Is recovery likely/possible after an exit affair?

He also explained how my Plan A confused him totally b/c he thought we would be going through the divorce process now and he can't believe I'm being so "nice" and the woman he always wanted, etc. He acknowledges that during this time, I have been "his constant" (holding down the fort, lighthouse) :-) He still can't get over the pain from the marriage and he feels like he is a victim. But he said every day we are still married is a plus for the marriage and gives him hope.

He also gave me some insight on the OW. They are still meeting (dinner, etc) and he even said she came over to his place (he moved out) for a short while but that he's alone 95% of the time. Her mindframe is that she doesn't want to "break" up the marriage if something is still there. Seems like they talk a lot about the marriage. She has asked about me and he told her about how "nice" I'm being which she can't understand after all this. She also wants him to make the right decision and not leave me just to be with her (I guess she is thinking long term) and continue a pattern of dishonesty.

* What does that really mean about how the OW is feeling? Will she ever go away?

'How the OW is feeling?'

Do you care? Is your being nice include his right to push the OW in your face? How do you feel about his conversations about the OW? Do you want to hear them at his leisure or at your request? Does he speak of OW in a loving way to you?

IMHO, I don't care HOW the OW feels. She is not part of the family and if he is showing care for the OW, he'd better think about whether there is a family to care for because he is losing points with each contact he makes with her.

How long do you are you planning to do a good plan A? What will make you go to plan B vs recovery?

R U both in counseling? What is an exit affair to the WS and to you?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you feel about his conversations about the OW? Do you want to hear them at his leisure or at your request? Does he speak of OW in a loving way to you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I prefer that he would not have any contact at all and he knows I don't condone it but I understand that we are in a transition phase where contact will be ongoing until he decides if he wants the marriage. He already knows my position - I want to be in a relationship with him but not one like our marriage before.

He doesn't gloat about the OW but he doesn't speak harsh about her either. Actually it sort of seemed like he admired her for not wanting to "break up the marriage" and not asking him to leave me. But to me I feel at such as loss for what is going on in that part of the triangle, how attached they are and what kinds of schemes she is involved in to keep him so I can plan my strategy.

I'm focused on plan A at least for the next couple of months but I can never get thoughts out of my head on what kind of future she is planning with my H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What will make you go to plan B vs recovery?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm wondering if Plan B will work on my WS at all. He said that everyday we are together still married gives him hope. I think if Plan A doesn't work then we are probably headed for D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> R U both in counseling? What is an exit affair to the WS and to you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WS has always been adverse to having anyone tell him what to do so I don't think counseling is going to help right now. I thought maybe he was having an exit affair b/c I guess he felt the marriage had deteriorated too far for recovery. Really I don't agree...I just think we never dealt with our problems b/c of lack of open communication and so we just had a lot of unresolved issues that just kept piling up.

First, don't believe that crap about an "exit affair." Every WS in the throes of a romantic affair would say the very same thing if they happened to think of it. Why else are they continuing the affair? Pure WS boloney.

And the poor, compassionate OW, worrying about you and the marriage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Double boloney!! If she was really worried about the marriage, at best she'd ix-nay the affair until your H really figured out where his head is.

Do not think of either of them as rational people. Your Plan A is working. You have a plan and they have none.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtwifefromindy:
<strong>He said that everyday we are together still married gives him hope. I think if Plan A doesn't work then we are probably headed for D.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is absolutely no reason NOT to give Plan B a shot - for YOU - when the time comes. Even if it all still end in divorce, you'll regain some control and lessen your heartache.

WAT

Yeah I guess you're right. I need to stop obsessing about the OW and focus on myself. I just feel so helpless not knowing what's going on in their "relationship" and if he's giving her any signals about their future while giving me none whatsoever. He stills goes to lunch and dinner (I don't know if they are his suggestions or hers) with her quite often and he never initiates any contact with me unless I ask.

Update...WS sort of moved back home. He was gone some nights this past weekend but was home longer and he's not telling me his schedule of when he's going to be here and when not. All I know is his bag is here and unpacked.

Before the A, I used to get my hair done every other week. Now I go every week and now he has made comments about if I'm getting pretty for another man. He's also said we've been through marriage bootcamp so now that I'm a better person I'll make another man a good wife. Sounds like jealousy to me?

Let him worry.

If he asks about you seeing someone else reply, "Why would I do that? I'm married."

Other than that, let him worry. Very typical that at this point, they think they don't want you, but let the threat take root that somebody else might want you, then they start worrying.

You need to set some boundaries if he is going to stay in your home. You can't control him, but you can communicate to him when he does things that are disrespectful and hurtful.

Report back his attitude and demeanor. Did he come back for practical reasons? i.e., can't afford something else? Or fence sitting reasons? i.e., the grass wasn't as green as he thought it would be?

Regardless of what transpires, you should be planning to go to Plan B IF he leaves again. Then you establish the conditions under which he can return and you control it (assuming you establish the legal restrictions).

WAT

I can sense that you truly love this man however I agree with everyone else I to think he may be completly full of crap. Take a quick minute to read over the thing that you have posted and ask yourself "When was the last time that he asked you how you were doing and if you are okay." I think that we tend to put to much concern into the feelings of the people who have hurt us and not to many people take the time to return that concern. I hope that things go well for you but, right now my only suggestion would be to continue getting your hair done and maybe go out with the girls for that drink. Take this time to find out alittle more about you while he is trying to find out about him.

So my Plan A is continuing (almost 2 months). But my feelings are changing. I'm definitely going through the last stage of grief where I've come to accept that I want my H to stay but I am willing to lose him.

I love my H dearly but I just can't help thinking why would I want a future with him when he won't stop right now the thing (EA, PA) that is causing me so much pain and openly continues to see the OW even though I have exposed it. He doesn't deserve me. How can I be with someone who treats me with such disregard and rejects being with me for the OW? I guess the fog is getting to me.

Have others felt this way and still made it through Plan A and then recovery?

I'm gonna have to agree with everyone on the..."Yeah, we don't care how concerned the OW is about our marriage" She needs to nib out.

It KILLS me that OP (OW in particular) say...I don't want to break up your marriage..HORSEFEATHERS!!!!! Or here's a timeless one....No, I can't 'see' you until you leave your wife...Yes, because that is SO MUCH BETTER............UGH it makes me wanna puke.

Okay...lol, I'm done with OP bashing (For the moment). Now as far as your WH goes...so he's back cuz he thinks you're gonna get a boyfriend huh?? LOL Yeah, that'll do it. And again, I'm in agreement...let him worry.

BTW, the exit affair stuff is complete crap, he's just trying to justify how he can be such a b@stard when you're being so nice.

No, I'm not jaded, why do you ask? LMAO

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtwifefromindy:
<strong> So my Plan A is continuing (almost 2 months). But my feelings are changing. I'm definitely going through the last stage of grief where I've come to accept that I want my H to stay but I am willing to lose him.

I love my H dearly but I just can't help thinking why would I want a future with him when he won't stop right now the thing (EA, PA) that is causing me so much pain and openly continues to see the OW even though I have exposed it. He doesn't deserve me. How can I be with someone who treats me with such disregard and rejects being with me for the OW? I guess the fog is getting to me.

Have others felt this way and still made it through Plan A and then recovery? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You appear t/b done with plan A. It has served it's purpose and the A is still on. That OW didn't mean she wanted to see his choice before she stepped in, she wanted to make sure she wouldn't be blamed. You have a cunning OW on the lose there. You need to watch out for her. She is already eyeing your possessions, position and title. Your Ws is too blinded to see it.

So to preserve what love you have left, plan B is an option. It is the safety net for you, not the WS. Make sure your finances are secured before you go to plan B, then make sure the children and yourself are emotionally ready.

Identify and implement your boundaries. Outline the minimum contact info, provide 3rd party contact info and implement plan B.

Take the D walk and talk to lawyers or check out family court. Know your options. Expect the WS to get huffy and counter file or be an azz. Take what is fair or more if you can. WS do not deserve 50/50 of a marriage they broke up on their own. But that is for you to decide. When a thief breaks in your home, breaks his leg in the robbery, then sues you for leaving a banana peel on the floor, are you going to give him a stay at the Ritz for recovery? Nope.....

Read up on plan B. Then if you want, post our letter. There are some good advisors here. Watch for Pep, JL, ARK, MM, WAT, RH, BrambleRose, MelodyLane, Chris123, etc. They will be real helpful. Search on plan B and read the letters written by others. You will find some good examples. I think Native00 wrote a good one recently.

L.