I am new on this site. My husband & I have been married for 4+ years. We have 2 little girls. When I was 8 mths pregnant with our 2nd daughter I found out my husband had been having multiple affairs. He and I went to counseling for a few weeks but then I found out he was still out with some of these women and asked him to leave. I had the baby and we stayed separated for a few months. He would try to come over every day or "sneak in" at night when we were sleeping. He moved back in and we've been working on things. Every once in awhile something comes up that makes me think things are still happening (phone calls mostly). He wants me to start trusting him and not constantly looking through the cell phone, etc. I never thought of myself as a jealous person or as an obsessive person but this whole situation has made me both. I don't believe he is where he say he is. I don't believe anything he says really. I don't know what to do really. It's been almost 2 years since I found out but I am still so angry, bitter, sad, and I just don't know how to love him anymore. I think the main reason we have tried to work it out is for the girls. They are very close to their dad and I don't know how I would ever get them through a divorce. He says that I'm the only woman he cares about, that these other woman were just sex, etc. He says that he didn't love or care about any of them. But the one woman he has been with off and on since high school and the one from when I was having the baby was in love with him I could tell and he would talk to her all night every night or be with her all the time. That had to be more than sex. Some of it had to do with work he said. She was a client of his and he said he had to keep her happy as a client but I just don't know. Like I said we have only been married for 4+ years and he's been with at least 4 other woman and I want to make it work. I don't want to hurt my children and I really have put so much into this and put up with so much it seems crazy not to make it work but my emotions are so uncontrollable. I think about him and these other women so much and it hurts so badly and I just am really hoping to make some friends here who truly understand and maybe can help me figure out how to get through this.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Gosh, I am so sorry for your sitch. There are a couple other posters on this site whose H's had A's during their pregnancies too. Have you read Surviving An Affair, Torn Assunder or After the Affair? All three very good books. Are you and your H in MC? Is he is IC? He sounds almost like a sexual addict, though I don't really have the knowledge about that. We do have some members here with experience there too. Hang in there and keep posting. More experienced people will be along to help you. God bless you.

Chav,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here. It is for very sad reasons but support to help you through this crisis is here. We are not professionals but can understand most situations and offer some suggestions. MB offers a lot of tools to help you.

1. Concepts section - click on the link above and read. It is free.

2. Emotional needs questionnaire - located in the concepts section. Take it for yourself and ask your H to take it. If he won't, you take it as if you are him.

3. Read: Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley. Later the book: Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson may be worth investigating. You can check them out at the library or bookstore.

4. Get with a good MC or do phone counseling with Steve @ MB. Steve is great with the WSHs.

5. Keep a journal and keep posting here.

It is vital you be able to see your progress and come up with a plan. If you talk with Steve, he will help you with your plan and give you guidance.

You will hear about plans A & B. Understand that those plans are to help and protect you and your family. Your H needs to come back and be your H. Sounds like he has waaaay to much time on his hands. Maybe he s/b more involved in the lives of the children..... giving you a break from your work at times. Even make quality time for just the 2 of you.

Does your H have a porn issue? What of his background may make him suspectible to having multiple As?

Hope this helps.
L.

Thanks so much for replying. My husband to my knowledge has looked at internet porn from time to time- how much is the question. He seems to be better at the time but in the past he will seem great and then something new comes out- a new girl, a phone call, an internet site, etc He is very involved with the girls and with his work. I have to say he is a great father. I have never once understood where he has found the time to go out and do these things. We are not in MC or IC. I really think it would help me he seems to feel as if he suddenly has conquered whatever the problem was. He thinks he was young burdened by responsibility and things just happened. He is a wanderer. Nothing fulfills him for long. I am really going to go through this site and look through the concepts and the plans and everything and hope that it will help me. He actually found this site the other night because we keep arguing over nothing. We never used to argue but since I found out everything I am always mad at him. I hate who I am around him now. So he was looking for something to help us. I think he really is trying but I am so scared because he is very good at putting up a facade. I am sorry I write so much, it is just so nice to have a place to talk. Thanks again for responding.

chav,

If your WH won't go to MC with you, I strongly recommend IC for you to sort out your feelings. In the meantime, control your anger and work on you. You cannot control him or change him, only you. Blessings to you.

Chav,

Thanks for responding. Get with a good IC immediately. Consider phone counseling with Steve @ MB, then you will already be on his list when your H is ready to join in. Steve is good with the WS Hs.

As for him being a good father....think about it. You said he dabbles in porn and you both agrue ..... a lot, a little, in front of the children????

Make sure your requirements for a good parent isn't settling for him as is. S/b as he s/b.

Right now he doesn't seem like a good parent or H. He needs to know that his habits are not acceptable to the family. Present your R and start with the family, then individually. He needs to realize you are not going to settle less than a whole, solid, emotioanlly and mentally healthy H and dad.

JMHO,
L.

We do argue. Not yelling type arguing but we argue. I feel like it's mostly me. I am always mad at him. We rarely argue in front of the kids but the other day I did get very angry with him in front of the kids and our 5 year old was very sad. She actually cried because I was arguing with him in front of her. It crushed me. I guess that's what prompted me to come on this site. I just am mad at him all the time. I constantly think of him & the women. I just hate this situation. Divorce seems so much easier to me. I don't want a divorce because the kids love him so much and I just couldn't hurt them like that but if this stuff keeps happening then it will hurt them even more and if I can't function properly that will hurt them also. I don't know. I am going to look into MC and IC today. Thanks again!