No more phone calls, or invitations, or asking him to see daughter.

He wants space. He gets space.

This feels right.

Wow Shul..

Could you flesh this out a little? I'm still scraping my chin off the floor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Noodle

Could it really be true, Shul? I must be dreaming.

Shul,

I can understand your reasons for wanting to keep plugging at it, however, I think you stepping away from him is the best thing you can do right now. Sometimes we need to step back or move aside so God can do His work ALONE. It could very well be that you have been interfering w/God's plans for your H.

What did God say? Do not stand in the way of a sinner. Let him go.

Prayers & hugs to you,
Y

Its like Standing says.

I need to get out of Gods way.

But its more than that. He told me himself that the more I pursue him the more he runs.

So I am giving him space. (A 180 if you like).

I am not setting him free , just giving him lots of room.

I can't tell you how hard this is.

But I have gone a whole day without calling him. Aren't you proud of me?

Today is day 1.

We will see how it goes.

I know this thread is a little old so it may not get read, but
What did God say? Do not stand in the way of a sinner. Let him go.


Where does God say that?

I think she was referring to what Paul said about letting the unbeliever depart.

Since I am here, I may as well update:

Things are going very well.

I have scrapped the 'plan' in favor of taking it one day at a time and listening to God.

What has happened is that for one thing, God has been dealing with me. Turns out I had some nasty sin going on. Condemnation, selfrighteousness and so on. Self pity. Judging.

Well, you get the idea.

God has been working on my own heart, and it has changed the way I see my husband, and the way I respond to him.

I feel more secure.

I can love him without asking for anything back, now.

No more pressure or guilt tactics. My job is to love him, not judge him.


I am doing my part and God is doing His part.

Its working.

Shul,
He is pursuing you so that is great. I am very happy for you. What plan are you scrapping? The 180?
You do deserve to be loved too though. Don't forget that, k?

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Schul - I'm where you are. I'm liging my life with the kids, preparing for whatever God brings me, and I'm just letting my WW do whatever her heart wants her to do - I finally could no longer take the pain.

She comes and goes when she wants, but I don't bother her, don't ask where, I don't even inquire as to hopw her day went. I just go about my business. I'm curous to see where this goes.

The last thing I said to her was "Hon, when the dust settles, when the clouds dissappear, you will look up and see one friend left standing there for you - that will be me"

She said "What on earth did that mean?"

I never answered.

I leave it to God now.

David

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Adsgirl,

I don't think there is a 'one size fits all' solution to this stuff.

I see merit in doing plan A, but not if it is designed to 'get' something 'or else'. (The or else being plan B. To me that seems like planning for failure somehow.)

The same with doing a 180; yes, some of my behavior was driving him away, but simply acting differently isn't enough.

If I was behaving in a needy clingy way, it was because I was insecure or afraid. I can pretend to be secure, or I can be honest about it and work on trusting God in those areas.

If I am doing something or acting in some way simply to get him to be loving, its pretty manipulative.

He hasn't got the resources to be more loving. He is a mess. So its up to me to draw from the source, so that I can love him, without needing anything from him.

I don't want to trick him into coming back, or con him in any way.

Come to that, I don't want to pretend to be something I am not. If he is going to know me, I want him to know me- not a pretend me.

And if he is going to love me back it will be him loving the real me.

And I am okay with him not living here. We were a house divided for so long.
I would love for us to be partners, but not until we both want it, are both fully committed , and on the same page spiritually.

I need love , but he needs it worse. I have access to the Source, so I can get enough for both of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


David,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't bother her, don't ask where, I don't even inquire as to how her day went. I just go about my business. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are hurt, and scared to be loving to her in case she rejects you, yes?

Shul,
It sounds like you are doing well. I agree, not every plan is for every person- after all, some of us are divorced and still trying to figure out what to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
How long has your husband not lived with you?
Keep clinging to the Source for answers.

sorry shul..

I can love him without asking for anything back, now.

No more pressure or guilt tactics. My job is to love him, not judge him.

It doesn't even make sense to me...
except that basically what you are saying is that he can crap all over you and your daughter...and you will still love him....which is fine....if you love him from afar...

this whole post...illogical

If I was behaving in a needy clingy way, it was because I was insecure or afraid. I can pretend to be secure, or I can be honest about it and work on trusting God in those areas.

If I am doing something or acting in some way simply to get him to be loving, its pretty manipulative.

so basically his actions and choices were your fault and your responsibility....because you were manipulating him....

am I following this.....

I am trying to decode and mirror back what you are saying...
if i am wrong...I truly do apologize and beg you to say it so I grasp it differently...cause I truly hope that I am interperting your conclusion to this incorrectly...

SHUL
there is no good reason on this earth in spite of anything why he is not accountable to his daughter....

my advice to you remains the same..until he does right by her...then he is toxic to her and to you...especially if you are with him...while he shuns her....

3-6 months of stand up fathership...and you and he MIGHT reach a place to reconcile..

anything else..
him still waffling
him still with OW
him going periods on NOT seeing daughter...
breaking promises...
breaking her heart over and over...

that is the answer to his choice....

and you go in circles excusing his behavior AND allowing it in your universe...please tell me you aren't seeing him at all....

your husband is not a victim...people have survived horrific horrific experiences and reach beyond their own terror to be loving individuals...

world war 2 gave us a whole generation of people who witnessed gross atrocities..and still managed to be good mothers and fathers....

please stop excusing his behavior...
for your daughters sake...

how will she form health relationships with men...if her known is a man that comes and goes on a whim...
how shul...how???

I always feel so mean when I post to you...
tell me to not ever post to you again...and i will do it...
but i'm not giving up on you..till you tell me to....

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Shul,
I read what Ark wrote and now I am back to being a bit concerned about you. I think you might have taken my post too literally from prayer requests and started blaming yourself for things you aren't responsible for. There are things in my marriage that I did that were very wrong- yelling, controlling manipulating, my ex and I both hit each other when we got really mad- it was awful. But my ex made HIS decision to go outside the marriage, and to lie and to continually be unfaithful. I needed to make amends for my part in the marriage breakup but it does not make what he did excusable or ok. My behavior pre-affair was not ok, and what he did by having an affair was not ok. But you can't keep beating yourself up for what you did or didn't do. It sounds like your ex is not remorseful- and you are, and you think you just need God's love and you will be ok. But the truth is, we all DO need people- to love us and to care for us. And we have to love ourselves too- remember, the Bible says- Love one another as you love yourself!! So take care of Shul and your daughter- and know that past mistakes are forgiven and you need to move forward. You are remorseful- so much so that you are taking the blame for what he has done too, I think- or maybe I am just talking to myself as well here- I write all this out- now I need to live it.
Take care Shul. Keep Praying- Keep Trying- but remember, YOU are NOT responsible for your husband's poor choices.

No I didn't take it to mean that. Adgirl, and no I am not blaming myself for his choices.

But mercy triumphs over judgement.


It is illogical, Ark.

Love isn't rational or logical. It goes against our instinct for survival. It is not safe .

Our daughter is learning that she has a heavenly father she can depend on. She is learning love, same as me.

shul
is he still seing the OW.....

ARK

Love isn't rational or logical. It goes against our instinct for survival. It is not safe .

I think it's safe. That's why you are supposed to feel Safe when looking to your Heavenly Father. That's why you are supposed to feel safe in your earthly father's arms too. And too many women don't. You RISK but in the end you do feel safe. Ark touched a nerve with me on that- I grew up with a father who was extremely distant- although we are rather close now, it has done damage to my relationships with men. I have been a doormat because I have been starved for love and constantly found men who needed me to "help" them.
Just be careful you don't let that happen with your daughter.
And as ark said, is he still seeing OW?

Well I don't mean to threadjack but maybe love isn't safe. I don't know - I have been pondering that. It IS a risk, and sometimes you have to love the unlovable- but at the same time- I don't think God wants you to sacrifice yourself to save someone else- That's why he sent Jesus to die on the cross- One Savior, and we aren't it. God I KNOW doesn't want marriage to be about 3 people, so if OW is in the picture, what is there really? You can pray, and you can love from afar, but as long as OW is there, I dont' think a marriage can be worked on. It may look like he is coming around (and he MAY be) but if he is truly coming around and wants an authentic relationship, that means no OW.