I'm pretty lost now, for months I've been trying to follow Plan A, but now I find out that he's still with the OW. Just found out last week and it's now taken a toll on me - can't sleep, awful dreams, can't eat, you get the picture. He said to me that he tried to break off the relationship with her by telling her that I'm pregnant (I'm not), well evidently that didn't work - I told my husband that he needed to be truthful to her as well as me and him. If he truly wanted to rid her of his life, don't you think he should've just told her that their affair was a mistake? So the saga continues...he tells me that he just can't give her the cold shoulder completely, because she the account rep for one of his largest clients. Unfortunately, there is no one in his office that can take her off of his hands (I've checked into that). Told him that I understood that they had to talk business with each other, but after telling him my concerns and that I understood the whole business relationship, they are still in contact with each other after business hours (she's callig him at 10p). Well after enough of this crap calling, I finally looked at his work phone and found that he and she had been corresponding via text messaging stuff like, "love you...wish you were here...is she there yet). I'm at my wits end, I gave myself until March (this will be one year since he's told me that he didn't know if he loved me anymore) with Plan A - you think that I can go on to Plan B now? I'm just so lost - at one point I really thought that he and I would be able to work through all this and now I feel as though I just wasted my time.

Babble babble babble. What's holding up his _ _ _ _ _?

He isn't done with the A. He is a cake eater, fence sitter.

You have to decide how much longer you want to be on this ride. 1 year is not a deciding factor when your sanity lies in the balance.

BTW, plan A is for you to make improvements. His recognition of them is a side benefit. So are you done with your improvements. Feel ok about yourself? Is he still being a jerk?

If you can say yes to above questions, take a look at plan B.

If he is sooo over her, then he wouldn't mind you answering her 10pm 'work calls'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

L.

You're right, he is a cake eater and I'm just over this. The lies, blank stares, and the outbursts from him tears me up inside because I look at the past and he and I were always so well connected and now he and I are just strangers.

I feel very good about myself; I'm happy with things that I've done but sad about the downfall of what use to be a promising union. And yes, he is still being a jerk in some respect. At times he is the nicest person alive, but then he pulls this crap with coming home late and when I ask where he was he just says with friends. I just can't take it anymore but unfortunately, I just took a new job and can't afford to move out on my own quite yet - in a few weeks, but those few weeks will be a nightmare.

On a side note, I told my husband yesterday that I had this dream that the OW told me that she was pregnant and he flew off the handle. Just seems as though he doesn't want to confront the situation that he put us in, but just wants to sweep it under the rug! No matter how much I ask him to talk to me about our situation he just doesn't want to - any thoughts on having him speak? People have said that I can't force him, but I think that he and I need to decide if we're going to move forward in our marriage or if we're going different ways - This is a brutual situation!

Hi dreamsgone,

I went back and read all your posts.In my opinion,it's time for Plan B,pull the plug.Your WH seems firmly planted in indecision so take yourself out of the equation.He is still living 3.5 hours away from you now anyway right? Did that change? This will make Plan B easier.And no it won't make the WH think you have given up.Plan B clearly states what you want and need to be able to reconcile and sends a loving message of how you want to make things better.That is the idea you leave in their mind when you stop being part of the sickening "love" triangle.gag.

HE needs to be the one to come back and want to "move forward" and make this marriage work.It's obvious you are already trying and he knows that but cannot acknoweldge it or really care right now being under the influence.

What do you think? Are you ready? We'll help you.

O

I feel as though it's time to go Plan B. Unfortunately, we are no longer living 3.5 hours apart. I just started a new job and am living with him. I just feel that by going to Plan B, he may feel as though he's being abandoned by me so this will push him towards the OW. The OW genuinely loves him, and he's text messaged her that he loves her too. I'm I a glutton for punishment? It just hurts to implement Plan B. I do love him and feel that he and I can overcome this, but with her in the equation I just can't conceive the idea of being part of this situation. It's time for me to go Plan B, but how do I do this when he and I live together - I can't afford to move currently, maybe in a few weeks but not immediately.

You're right - he needs to make the choice to return. I think I'm ready, but like I said earlier, how do I implement a Plan B with us living together?

Oh great, he just emailed me and asked that we talk tonight. What do you think? I'm so tired about these talks because nothing ever gets accomplished - I talk and tell him what I want and he sits in front of me like a bump on the log or gets frustrated and leaves! It'll be a long night.

Hi again,

I know this is hard,we all do.Hang in there.

I would suggest,see what your WH wants to discuss tonight.You are still able to talk not being in Plan B yet.Just brace yourself for more hurtful babble and fog speak.It's to be expected with your WH up to his neck in the A.I can sympathize with how the discussions go.They usually only lead to more suffering and no solution.

Regarding Plan B and living together,that is harder.In all my time here,I have come to believe it is mandatory to be apart for a true Plan B to be implemented.There have a been a few who have had to do it with the WS at home and even one poster(can't remember the name) mentioned that Steve told him to try it with his WW still living there.I wish I could remember who it was to get an update on how that turned out.Anwyay,I had to do this briefly before my WH moved out,and it was pure he**.Every time I turned a corner I would run into him and he would try to talk to me.In Plan B,you are supposed to be DARK and in NO communication.That to me is impossible when living with the WS and with someone who will repeatedly try to engage you.

Unfortunately too,this usually means that someone has to leave the home.In all cases, I believe it should be the WS but sometimes they will not leave and other times you have to see a Lawyer about your rights.There isn't an easy anwer in this scenario.What you do have to do is make sure that your WH knows how serious you are that his behavior is unacceptable to you and that you will not be a part of it anymore(when you go to Plan B) and suggest that he leave.Let him know from the get go that if he is the one that wants to be with someone else then you should not be the one leaving.

Do you own your home jointly? Legally,it is hard to get one person to leave if the home is jointly owned.That will be a problem if your WH is determined to keep up this charade.

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I'm still hanging in there. Does make me wonder what we will be conversing about. I usually get very emotional, for the past few months, I haven't yelled whenever he and I talk - I'm just so tired emotionally that yelling zaps my energy. Opinions please, do you think that I should tell him that I still love him but won't tolerate his behavior? Or should I be emotionless?

It'll be a little easier to implement Plan B in the next few weeks since our lease to our apartment is coming due. Since he and I work 1.5 hours apart from each other (yes, I've been doing the commute), I'm looking for a place closer to work and he is looking for a closer place to his work. Seems has though we've already decided to go our seperate ways - doesn't it? But at the very least, eventhough we can live apart - we still need to make the decision to either divorce or seperate with the intent of divorcing - don't you think?

When we talk tonight, I do have to seriously make clear that his behavior is unacceptable and that I will not be a part of it anymore. As I sit and think about my situation, I feel as though I'm the OW but I'm not since I'm married to my WS.

Ever wonder what would happen if the OP was a psycho? Everytime I replay my situation, I think about that movie with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas - freaky!