I have been in R for 5-6 months. I am in IC and MC. In so many ways things are getting better. My H has gone to court with the OW(20) to secure child support and visitation of the OC. I have accepted and am beginning to fall in love with the OC (15months). My children have accepted and do love their new brother. My H and I have been getting closer trying to heal ourselves and our children.

Last night in MC, it came out that my H is not sexually attracted to me. He said that I do not make him excited. He even said that when I talk about the OW or the A it shuts him down sexually from me. He said that I am not a good lover. He said that I am not attractive to him. He said that he can live just being like a brother to me. WTF!!!!! I want to get to a better place with my husband. But now, I am blindsighted and so terribly hurt.

I have been trying to better myself since this happened in July. I have lost 70 pounds ( I am now the size I was in High School) I exercise 5 out of 7 days a week. I have let my hair grow and have highlighted it. I am getting constant attention from the opposite sex. I have been trying to initiate sex with my H. I have gone out of my way to be available to him sexually without being overbearing. He says that he likes it when I talk "dirty," so I have even been trying to get into that too. But what's the use.

I am so depressed. I feel so inadaquate. I believe that my H's numerous affairs and this last long term affair with a teenager(she was 18 when they started) has ruined my marriage chance to get back on an intimate level. I am 37 my H is 40. His deviant behavior has changed his attitudes towards me sexually. How can I compete with a girl who has grown up sexualized from birth. Her generation and mine did not grow up with the same images and acceptance towards casual sex.

I went to bed crying silently next to my snoring H. I held myself and really felt like a failure. He says that there is nothing that I can do to help it. At least I wanted to try. Right now I do not want to do anything. I want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

I have so many fears. If we do not resume some type of normal sexual routine I know that 2 years from now I will be getting a D because he will cheat again, and use this as an excuse for it.

My MC, thnks that my H is being passive aggresive because he still blames me for his affairs. H of course denies this. He is angry at me, my MC says, because I made him give up the "love of his life."(H's own words) Believe me I told him he could end it with me and live in his fantasy with the teenage OW and the OC. He chose me and my marriage to work on. I never begged him. So now I am being punished because he messed up and had to make a choice. I can't stand this anymore. I have tried so hard to just get past this infidelity. Now I know how low one can feel.

What should I do? I am lost? I have no one to talk to. I feel pathetic. I feel unworthy. I am ashamed.

Thank you for listening.

What a heartbreak!! Can you talk to your H and ask him what he likes sexually? As hard as it is please don't beat yourself up and let it bring you down. Use it as a tool to understand your H and better yourself.

I have a book by Laura Corn that had tons of questions that couples can ask each other. I can't remember the name of the book....have to find it!

Are you able to meet his ENs? Seems like he may still have some FOG left or in withdrawl?

18!!!!!! Seems like maybe your FWH has some issues of his own to work through.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

I think you should schedule an appt. with Steve Harley. I do not agree with your therapist for allowing your FWH to say such hurtful things to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is angry at me, my MC says, because I made him give up the "love of his life."(H's own words </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does this mean? Does the MC believe this, that he gave up the love of his life? You definitely are the love of his life, not the YG.

How long has it been since the A has ended? Are you sure he is not continuing contact with her? He sounds like he is going through withdrawal or is continuing contact. Don't believe him that he can never be sexually attracted to you. That is not making sense to me. When did you have the opportunity to "talk dirty"? Wasn't that during SF?

I am not LBing. I did a great Plan A. I am meeting his ENs. I have had SF probably 4-6 times since DDay July 5, 2004. The two years he was with the young girl, our sex life deminished. I truly believed that it was beacuse of the zoloft he was/is on. Bfore this latest affair he would ask for sex twice a day evryday. I felt that we had a great sex life. I was fulfilled and thought he was too. I found out last night that he even faked an orgasm with me. "You are the only woman I have had to fake an orgasm with." Can the knife go in any deeper.

I talked dirty to him by whispering in his ears what I would like for him to do or what i would like to do for him. I thought that it would get him in the mood. Truth be told speaking dirty like that is a turn off for me. But, I was willing to try---I want to have a close intimate sexually fulfilling relationship. I want to be held, loved and cherished. I want to make my H feel wanted, loved and fulfilled. I just can't be that for this man. I am falling apart. This really hurts so much.

In the beginning my H was a fencesitter. He has made the changes that I needed. He only is in communication (I hope) with the teenage OW about their baby. I do not know who this man has become. I do not know what will become of me.

Our MC does not believe that this teenager was the love of his life, my H thinks it.

I wish this day was already over.

Sounds like it is time to detach a little from Mr. Selfish, and do some things for yourself that make you feel good. Of course your self-esteem is in the toilet - whose wouldn't be?

Right now, you are going to have to take care of your own needs - he is not going to. I think you are giving too much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found out last night that he even faked an orgasm with me. "You are the only woman I have had to fake an orgasm with." Can the knife go in any deeper.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is lying to you here. If he ejaculated, he was not faking. You didn't answer my question about continuing contact. I think your H is being mean to you by saying this. This is not acceptable and should not be tolerated by your MC. If it is, you need a new MC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truth be told speaking dirty like that is a turn off for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is this a turn-off to you? Is it hard for you to be free sexually? If so, maybe IC may be best for you right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He only is in communication (I hope) with the teenage OW about their baby. I do not know who this man has become. I do not know what will become of me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If truly in R, you should be absolutely sure about what his communications with her are about and when they occur. They should only be occurring in your presence. If he has any alone contact with her, withdrawal starts all over again. I think the problem here is that is still in the fog and has not really gone through withdrawal yet. I would recommend that this be the focus of your next MC session.

Please try to stop taking this personal as an assault on your attractiveness. DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE IS SAYING TO YOU. I think he it trying to justify his continuation of the A. That's when they start becoming mean.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I'm sure this teenager is a huge ego boost for him. I tend to believe she will do/say things he likes to get to him.

As hard as it is try not to let it get to you. I remember when I was going through the problems with my H I questioned my attractiveness, my ability as a lover, etc. I had to come to terms that it wasn't ALL me. your H needs to talk to you about his needs and wants. If he is just saying you don't do it for him.....I don't buy it something sounds fishy.

Why doesn't he talk to the xow with you around? He should be an open book so your recovery goes well.

Take care of yourself, keep exercising, keep doing things with your hair, makeup, perfume, etc It's fun, if anything can you get together with a friend and have a "pamper me day"? Go to a spa and have the works done. It's amazing how rejuvenating it is.

I did that a few months ago, I had to or I was going to snap, I took the whole day for myself, I went to the spa got a wonderful massage and other things, then went out to lunch and went to the lake and read a book. Just remembering it makes my whole body relax <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have fun with your life and your children. I also understand that you have needs too and you are hungry for them to be met (I'm still there too). Your H doesn't seem to be in a position to meet them just yet but you still can meet your other needs. What makes you happy outside of your M?

I agree with Mimi

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.....I don't buy it something sounds fishy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES! I AGREE WITH ENCHANTED LADY!!!

I think that the fact that your H was on medication is key here.
It will effect libido for a very long time with some people. He probably can really have sex to completion but feels less (the serotonin regulator in his brain is where libido lies)
Maybe you could try to put your ego on a shelf (tell yourself that his hurtful things are too screwy to be totally true) and try something like just laying next to him naked in bed. Take showers with him. He may fuss and say hurtful things but it will help create an intimacy between your body and his again.
I hope that he responds and stops saying such hurtful things very soon.

Thanks for all the help.

Mimi, When he said that he faked it...he did fake an orgasm. He pretended to orgasm, and I believed he had ejaculated. I was wrong.

I am sexually free. I am more than willing to experiment. I have brought up things and fantasies I have. His all revolve around being with other people. He would love for me to talk about being with another man while we are making love. I just have had too many people in my H's bed to want to play that game. No more other people will come into my bed again. Also, about talking dirty it just doen't come naturally to me. I do at times enjoy hearing my H say stuff...but it makes me think too much during sex to think of what to say and it gets me out of the mood.

My H's contact with the teenage OW is primarily in my presence. There are times I am not present but I am kept aware of when they occur and what they were about. Generally, when my H will be there to pick up the oc. He does not get out of work at a regular set time. I do have to trust him abit. But he is acting and saying the things that make me feel comfortable with this limited trust. I trust but verify!

I can't keep shaking this feeling of total inadaquacy. I feel devastated. I want to pull myself up, but right now I can't.

Pickle,

I cuddle with him each and every night. We are very affectionate. We hold hands, hug and rub eachother's backs. He makes advaces at me sexually, but then it never goes anywhere. He says he just wants to kiss and fondle. It is frustrating. I have showered with him twice this past weekend. He is just controlling. He doen't want for me to talk about the ramifications of his A. He just wants to move on to a better marriage. He says that when i talk about the A, it makes him not want to have sex with me. I can't keep everything inside. I do not cram it down his throat. I just want him to know the pain that I am still in. I want him to recognize what he has done and then I will be able to heal.

I feel worthless, undesirable, and alone.

Why do you want to be with a serial cheater? Is it possible you need time out - time to remember who you were before he ripped your soul apart and threw your self-esteem out of the window. I find it impossible to give you words of encouragement for your marriage because I feel such anger towards a person who can treat his 'wife' with such contempt. Your situation is overwhelming to me, just reading it, so God only knows how awful it must be for you to be living it. My thoughts are with you. TT

Hello {{{family1st}}},

I just wanted to put this out there for you to remember:

**Your WH is NOT a sexually healthy man**.

I understand why you feel upset,your HUSBAND is supposed to be loving you and treating you with respect,care and appreciation.BUT,when you factor in that the person you are putting your self worth in(sexually or otherwise)is MESSED UP,then you need to tell yourself that your are looking in the wrong direction.Look inward and appreciate all that you are and what you have tried to accomplish.BE PROUD! There is NO COMPARISON to whomever he is screwing out there,teenagers barely out of the crib getting pregnant or whatever!

Your sexuality isn't dependent upon the the WS approval IMO.I know that may be a hard concept to embrace.Afterall,we are trying to please the ones we are with,married or otherwise BUT when we are talking about a WS who's choices are not healthy,appropriate or loving,you do not need approval there.

What your WH said may be truthful IN HIS OWN MIND,yes,maybe he isn't attracted to you sexually but that is NOT your fault.And what he is saying is downright hurtful.He needs to be taught proper dialogue when it comes to discussions about the A and recovery.

I just want you to know(since this post made me MAD) that I think you are a worthy and beautiful woman who is doing her best to recover from a horrifying situation that has been thrown at her and I like to hear about all the changes you made.THAT IS WONDERFUL! Be good to yourself and be proud.You don't need your WH's validation to be worthy and loved.You already are.You know I'm right.STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.You're GREAT!!!!!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

edited for typos

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you all for your concern and kind words. I know that I am a valuable person. It just hurts beyond compare that I revolt my husband. I am a turn off to him. When I was 70 ponds heavier I naver had low esteem. I felt I looked great and had no issues iver my weight. Now, 70 lbs lighter and I feel like an ugly monster.

I know that i shouldn't let my self worth be tied up with my H. But it is just too recent and painful for me. I feel ugly...even though I know I am pretty. I feel unsexy...eventhough I know that men do find me attractive. I feel worthless because there is nothing my H says I can do to change, or make this better. For goodness sakes, if I the BS can think of SF with my WS after all of the crap I have been through, then what is wrong with him.

I just cannot get past the fact that I do not excite my husband. Its bad enough that there have been others...now I have to feel so low about myself because of his deviant behavior.

I am so sorry to keep complaining but I have never felt so depressed

Thanks again

Dear Fam,

It looks like displaced blame. He is telling you about himself and wants you to carry this guilt/blame of not being sexually attractive for him..... at least that what it looks like to me.

The suggestion to get into MC w/ Steve Harley is a good one. STart with you and see if the Xws wants to join. He isn't your H ..... yet. He is at best an Xws.

When he babbles as such, I would let him know that "he ain't so attractive either". Then lighten it up with so, we now have 2 unattractive people? Hm... how come we have such beautiful children? LOL!!! My brains... your looks? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This could let him know in a sublte way he is babbling. Later you can tell him directly he is babbling.

You are a valuable person, lovely on the inside and out. Ask him when did he turn shallow? How come he could see and love you for the beautiful person you are inside and out but now he can't? Of course, it w/b better to run this by Steve 1st.

Phone counseling is good. Try it.

take care,
L.