I'm new and I've read some of the articles and discovered that what I need is more recreational companionship. We both work very hard and I'm not accustomed to all work and no play. He seems to be able to work 7 days a week and 10 hours a day, come home, eat, watch tv and sleep. I've given up on recreation because I can't get him to do anything with me. I tried to negotiate with him last night cheerfully and for the umpteenth time and he explained that he doesn't think it's "correct" for married people to spend every weekend out drinking and dancing or whatever. (we don't go out unless it is to eat or see his family) I've reached a point where I can't stand this life and old boyfriends are coming out of the woodwork with temptation. I'm afraid of the strength of my attraction to them because I know it's coming from boredom and frustration. I've run out of ideas, he was acting like he wanted to negotiate, but last night he basically "put his foot down" and refused to talk about it. I have to do something now, but what?

bitolder - Please consider buying the book, His Needs/Her Needs, by Harley. In the meantime, find the Emotional Needs questionaire on this site and both you you fill it out. Ultimately, you both may need to get into counseling.

Now, with old boyfriends tempting you from the past, spend some time reading on this forum about people dealing with active affairs. It ought to scare the bejeebies out of you to the point that you don't create you own cess pool. If you don't get scared enough, come back and describe your rationale for having an affair before you actually do it.

Welcome to MB. I was going to tell you to go to the Emotional Needs board...but when I got down to the bottom of your post, I changed my mind. You are in grave danger and extremely vulnerable to an affair. My guess is that old bfs are not "coming out of the woodwork" but rather that you are digging them up because you feel neglected....that's not an acusation, just the way these things tend to go okay? Do you think your husband truly understands how close you are to having an affair? Have you been honest about your contact with these men? What do you know about "emotional affairs"?

Since this is your first post...give us a little background....ages, length of marriage, children, onset of problems.

Hello bitolder,

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry that you are having a tough time with your H.Your situation sounds very familiar.One spouse starts to ignore the other,resentment ensues and a whole host of major problems arise.Your H appears to be in a rut that I would have a hard time believing he is truly happy with.If he is really working as much as you have eluded to then he's probably on auto pilot and needs to stop and smell the roses for while.Life isn't about work 24/7 and he has a WIFE.There has to be balance.

Have you considered the book, HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs)? How about suggesting the Emotional Needs Questionnaire(ENQ)? I remember there being quite a list of recreational activities that spouses can choose from to do together.

I really understand how frustrated you are,I can hear that, and this is the PRIME opportunity to tell your H AGAIN that this is SERIOUS.When other men start looking good to you you are in TROUBLE.Make him see that you are hurting.Suggest counseling if he is not going to take you seriously on this matter.Please take care of this before things get worse and for heavens sake: DO NOT talk to or see any other men right now.You are very vulnerable.Talk to family or girlfriends and come here to vent instead.We will listen.

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

If you I.D. your H's needs and become more giving in your efforts to satisfy them, he should grow more generous himself.

That's not a knock. I may not know anything about your M, but nobody satisfies their spouse 100% all the time.

Bugging your H to spend time with you won't make him do it. Being more giving of yourself might.

FWIW, it sounds like he's got rocks in his head, but that ain't no excuse for you to hook up with an old boyfriend, sister.

GC

Background info. I'm 35, an attorney, He's 23, a construction contractor. We’ve been married just 4 months. No kids and no plans for any. He was tons of fun until he moved in. I changed my habits to fit his lifestyle and I’m finding that I can’t anymore. And yes, the old boyfriends are contacting me all of a sudden. I'm not calling them. It’s almost like some psychic force is bringing them at precisely the worst moment. I have hinted, but I’m afraid that telling him about my temptation will hurt him and make things worse. I’m begging him to hear me, telling him that I’m bored and I don’t want to seek an outlet outside of our marriage. I’ve repeated this “hint” and he doesn’t seem to pick up on it. I had a very long conversation with an old boyfriend yesterday who (really) just happened to call me up after many months of no contact. We talked very candidly about his life and mine and what we are missing. I’m so scared it could turn into an emotional affair, or more. So I told my husband that I was on the phone with a friend, told him who the friend was, and explained exactly what we discussed and tried to get him to understand how critical it was. I didn’t say that we had been intimate in the past, but I think he might have guessed. If I tell him about the old boyfriends calling and my temptation, will it hurt him? Will he hold it against me? I don’t want to have an affair, I’ll do anything to avoid it, but right now I’m weak and he’s not cooperating.

Yes chere it will hurt him.....but not as much as the consequences will hurt him...BY FAR. It's information he needs....you are hurting aren't you?

Um, I came to this website looking for options to help me not have an affair. Looking for some support and ideas, not condemnation. FWIW I go out of my way and bend over backwards with the giving. My family and his family and friends don't believe how much I give. (waking up with him at 4:30 am to make his coffee and lunch everyday, massages after work, cooking elaborate meals and serving him, sexy loungerie, strip tease and all that on top of my work and home administration and doing the books for his business and studying for the local bar exam) 'scuse me?

HI again,

Ok,there's more pieces to the puzzle.Well,in all honesty,your *husband is very young and I am not sure about his past and what experience he has had with relationships and marriage.You said he was tons of fun before marriage until he moved in and now the reality of all of it is facing him head on.It's not just about fun anymore and maybe he isn't sure what he wants.

Anyway,I would not tell your husband right now about the BF's but you have to stop talking to them that is for sure.You are setting yourself up for a fall and you know it's right there.What you do have to talk about is how you are feeling and even suggest cousneling and maybe that will wake him up to how serious this is.If he truly loves you and cares for you he will see how you are hurting and want to help.If not,well,then maybe this young man isn't up to task.I'm sure that you don't want to hear that but let's see how this plays out.That's just my opinion anyway.

You have to do everything possible FIRST to save your marriage and then divorce BEFORE ever getting involved emotionally or in any other way with another man.We will all tell you that.We are victims/survivors of Infidelity and it is pure hell on Earth.Do not become another one of us.You will regret it the rest of your life on a very deep level.

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

bit,

I don't see any condemnation...we really do understand better than you know. We are very much trying to give you support. One of the biggest things to prevent affairs is honesty. Affairs thrive on secrecy....so talking honestly about the feelings you have is the first step towards helping remain faithful...it really is.

Welcome, it is a good sign that you've come here prior to starting an affair. You've got some good advice already and I would add that sometimes, most times, the best way to resist temptation is to avoid it all together and that would be a good place to start with the whole ex-boyfriend deal.

As far as your M with so little info to go on it is hard to know exactly what advice to give, however sometimes us men are hard headed and don't always take to heart things we are being told. Are you sure that you have made it clear to your H how you feel? Has he really "heard" you? Make sure it is sinking in and how important this is to you and your marriage.

As has been mentioned read as much on this site as possible and share more details so we may be more helpful.

Two different topics: avoiding an affair and fixing your marriage. But these are inextricably linked.

You have at your fingertips - this forum - all anyone should need to find plenty of reasons not to have an affair. Just read the stories.

As for fixing your marriage, please describe your relationship before you got married? What changed in four months to undo your prior rationale to get married?

We validate your unmet needs for recreation and companionship. These are normal and your H ought to be putting in some effort to meet you on this.

WAT

bitolder - I understand how you feel and it is not right -of course you are neglected. Can you plan on taking a cruise -some sort of vacation tto get him away from his job. He may see thjings different when away from his job. He must have time for vacation sometime. Just planning it and knowing you will be away with your H may make you feel better. Do not stop giving him the attention but maybe slow down a little and take care of you...

Thanks for the advice and support. I really do know that an affair is a disaster. I'm going to try again tonight. I printed out the recreation list. I know he's young and his relationship skills are less developed, but me doing all the heavy lifting is wearing me down. Everybody has a breaking point... Pray he listens, understands and gets involved!

Good for you bitolder,it's a start.Do stick with us.We can help.

Much luck tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Good luck! I agree that your H probably needs to develop some relationship skills. You can't just coast and make demands. Teach him that, don't cheat, and improve your marriage. If it doesn't work, you can walk away and move on with a clean conscience.

GC