Jewell, my heart absolutely goes out to you. I remember feeling exactly the way you do, scared to death. I was targeted and stalked by the OM months before speaking with him. He made torture (dismemberment)and death threats towards my H as well as terrorist threats against his out of state attorneys. He infered that he wanted one of my children for his own. He also threatend to tell my H if I didn't do what he wanted.
I was so confused, so ashamed and so deathly frightened that I complied. On top of everything else I have had to deal with shame for my actions even though I never wanted to do them in the first place. Please listen to the advice you are getting here, DON'T do what I did.
I placated him out of fear and that kept the "affair" going. It was only when my H found out that I was free. It took my brothers (one is a cop) and my H to back this guy off. It took exposure of his evil ways to keep him away. I'll be honest and tell you that this impacted my life negatively to the point where for over a year I didn't leave my house. I still seldom go out without H or someone else with me. I never go out without checking my mirrors and being observant. Crappy way to live but so far, so good. Out of sight, out of mind hopefully. Gee, can you tell I'm still afraid of him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
If I had confessed early on to my H, most of the really bad stuff wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have had to witness his scary, scary suicide attempt (gun), I wouldn't have been raped by him when I put my foot down about contact (in person, stupid me)...I wouldn't have known that he broke into a 50 year old woman's house and beat her up and there's way more. This is one scary, mentally ill guy who by looking at him appears as a handsome successful "nice guy." Appearances can be deceiveing, no?
I know you are afraid, who wouldn't be? You need help, you need a support team. H, pastor, police. Don't try to do it on your own. I thank God that you've found this forum b/c you're not going to have to walk through ANY of this alone. My H and I are fully recovered thanks to the things we learned on MB. (it has been over several years now) There is hope for your situation and much support for you here. {{{Jewell}}}
I'm not a techie but I thought that even when you empty the recycle bin, unless it's "shredded" by special software that has to be bought and installed the deleted items are still in the computer. You need those emails, no matter how embarrasing it may get. You were set up and unfortunatly unless you've had experience with true evil it is not recognizable when it's right in front of you.
There is a lot I'd like to say to you but this is long already. I have a great many links that may help you to understand predatory behavior and the ins and outs of why the victim remains or cooperates with their abuser. Your own personal recovery from this tragedy is important. He is an abuser, you already know this. Now it's time to stop being his victim, it is time for courage.
Enlist the help of your pastor, hopefully he's not a head in the sand kind of guy. Retrieve those emails, very important and seek your husband's forgiveness. I know that my H's heart turned towards me when he found out the REAL story. My fake story was only to keep him and our children safe (and if I'm honest with myself, to make me look like less of a fool) but my coverup totally blew any chance we had of recovering at the same time.
Radical Honesty is your ONLY key to freedom and safety. KB
