I have been lurking here for the past seven months but this is my first post. So far I have read lots of good advise given to other people but have not seen my exact situation addressed yet. So here it is... my H had an A a year ago that ended up turning to a PA one time. He confessed this to me and immediately started NC. He has also answered all of my questions (with great detail, I might add)and I know that he has never regretted anything more in his life. He has been to a couple IC sessions and we are finally starting MC next week. My H has recently told me that he has never felt like he was good enough for me and he has always been fearful of me just up and leaving him. Here's my problem, he has also told me that he did this deliberatly just to hurt me. He claims it was his defense mechanism, "I'll hurt her before she hurts me by leaving" was his thought process. Have any of ya'll heard of this before? If so, any ideas on how I deal with that fact that the love of my life would do this just to hurt me? Thanks for any help ya'll can offer!!

What an excuse -he knew what he was doing -this is called the Fog -his way of blaming you. Yeah mine had lots of reasons for blaming me and still does. It was all my fault..yeah like it was first on my hit parade. Always wanted the man I loved to hae and A and ruin my hopes, love, memories, dreams yeah thats just what I wanted..

QTPye:

I'm sorry you were reluctant 2 post for so long. I've known of several si2ations that are very much like yours. My W's A, which was mostly an EA but also a PA a number of times over a 12-yr period of time was "done" partly, at first, 2 hurt me, even though she might not have consciously thought of it that way at first. One of the reasons she "did it" was that she didn't believe I cared about her.

Looked at that way, probably nearly ALL affairs fall under that category.

-ol' 2long

I cannot answer the question on the A side of things - but I can answer on the whole "not good enough and gonna leave me 1st" thing.

I always thought my H would leave me and as I got more and more depressed, I did things to make him "hate" me. It put alot distance between us and somehow (I thought) it keep my safe from him hurting me. I realized I never really committed to him or our marriage out of fear. Now, I didn't have an A - but I did have some issues. (they stemmed from my mom leaving us kids when I was around 4 or so and my dad dying when I was 9 - major abandonment syndrome). I have been in IC for 4 years trying to sort this out.

Ironically, one of the 1st things my H said on Dday was that he had "esteem issues" and he knew I deserved better then HIM. I had to laugh b/c for 13 years I thought he was better than me.

Your may have other issues that need to be addressed. He has to figure it out. You are not his scapegoat!!!!

God bless

Realtor,

The thing is I really don't get the impression that H is trying to blame me. He has never once told me that what he did was because of me. He has accepted full resposiblity for his actions and is extremely ashamed and embarassed by his choices. He has told me that he never even gave me or us a chance because he never told me how insecure he always has been. He says he has always been happy in the marriage and that I was meeting all of his ENs but in his mind I was "settleing" for him. He sees know that I did nothing to make him feel this way but it was just his paranoia. He also says he never had feelings for the OW and that he wasn't even attracted to her, she was just the one that was available at the time. I do wonder if this is just an excuse to keep him from having to admit to me that he did have feelings for her at the time.

2long said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One of the reasons she "did it" was that she didn't believe I cared about her.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was my main reason for my A. I had convinced myself that my H did not care about me. I agree with 2long, that it is not that uncommon.

2Long and Brown,

Thanks for replying! At least now I know that it's not unheard of. The sad thing is, if my H just would have told me he had these issues previosly, I could have tried to reassure him. Oh well, coulda, should, woulda doesn't get me anywhere. All I can hope for now is that my H is sincere in his efforts to overcome his fears and his efforts to start this marriage over.

Faithful,

Thanks also for you reply! So having been there, done that... any advise on how to deal with and work through this specific situation?

Come to think of it LINY said - he that I didn't love him anymore too.

He missed the memo I was changing inside of myself and I think he thought I had out grown him. Not that I was trying to make a better me for me, our kids, and yes, our marriage.

20/20 is hindsight!!!!! Your H probably wasn't totally aware of his "issues". But if he is now - he has to change his preception of things and really work on overcoming them.

Faithful,

One more thing... Please don't take this the wrong way but did you "convince" yourself that your H didn't care just to make your A seem okay? I'm just asking because I have questioned my H about the same thing and his anser (of couse) is NO. But you have no reason to lie to me and he may be giving me answers that he thinks I want to hear. Again, I mean no disrespect by my question. Thanks!

Not sure how much I can help you. I did not tell my H about my A. He found out through someone else about 7 years after it ended. I somehow managed to pull myself out of the A and insist we get MC. Our M was still rocky because I was not honest and hid this from him. I can tell you that even though it took me years to beleive he really cared for me, I would never do it again. I spent years being unhappy but committed to our M and to our children. Now that we are about 2 months post Dday we are getting along better and our MC is going very well. My self worth truly started to come only after I gave my life to Christ about 5 years ago. I also got went into IC for a time to explore my issues.

Sorry I am not more help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by QTPye:
<strong> Realtor,

The thing is I really don't get the impression that H is trying to blame me. He has never once told me that what he did was because of me. He has accepted full resposiblity for his actions and is extremely ashamed and embarassed by his choices. He has told me that he never even gave me or us a chance because he never told me how insecure he always has been. He says he has always been happy in the marriage and that I was meeting all of his ENs but in his mind I was "settleing" for him. He sees know that I did nothing to make him feel this way but it was just his paranoia. He also says he never had feelings for the OW and that he wasn't even attracted to her, she was just the one that was available at the time. I do wonder if this is just an excuse to keep him from having to admit to me that he did have feelings for her at the time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">QT,

Welcome to MB. I am sure you know us quite well after reading for 7 months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your H is textbook classic. His statements above are full of fog babble.

In response to your 1st question, my H said practically the same thing. He had the A before I had one. WHAT??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I told him....what kind of lousy excuse was that? When did I ever give him reason to think I would have an A?

Nope that's also classic fob babble. Even though you think he has given you all the info.....there are still somethings he may be withholding.

Instead of wondering, work with a good MC. Better yet, give STeve H a call @ MB. He will help you decipher how to get to the truth.

YOur H is reaching deep into his pockets to come up with this fog babble. Don't buy it. Work with Steve. If your H can talk with Steve, it should help.

The book that really helped me was His Needs/Her Needs. Learning how to communicate with the male side of the human race was a real enlightening experience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JMHO,
L.