ok i have a question i need some help with. I cheated on my wife. I am very sorry that i have done this and am taking steps that it wont happen again. It was a one night stand and i had been drinking more than i should have. the problem i am having is my wife and i both aggree that i should go get tested. I went today to my doc. he said i should have this other person come in for tests. that he strongly reccomends this. ok. i dont know this persons phone number or last name. i know where she lives i think. (I was drinking) i dont know where to go exactly from here. I wont find out any results for 3 weeks? does this seem like a long time? i got an hiv and std test. years ago before my wife it was only like a week or less. just wondering if my doc is blowing me off there. any way back to the problem. I know my wife doesnt want me to see this girl. and i would like to have a good solution to this problem when i talk to her about it. i could have a friend go to here house and get her phone number. but then i would have to call her and i dont know if this would be good. it would be something huge to ask of my friend but i could ask him to approach her about the subject. but i would rather talk to her myself and explain myself. to let her know it is by no fault of her own and that it would help me greatly. even offer to pay for the test. hell even offer her some cash or a gift certifficate for helping me out in this tough time. so she could go out with some friends or something. (that one sounds lame tho).I guess not contacting her at all could be an option but i dont feel it is the right one. i dont know where to go and i am at work till 6am. then i will see my wife. she will ask how the doctors went. and i want to tell her some good news..this situation is so unstable right now. things have been looking up and she seems to be dealing with it better. i dont want to jepordize this. any help would be appreciated. please i could use feedback or new ideas. Thank you.

Not sure why the doc needs to see the girl. Did he say this after he had you tested? Maybe you ought to go ask another doctor.

L.

Standard comment from Doc's is to test both parties.

If you really need to have her tested, then you should do so in the NC letter. and then NEVER EVER EVER contact her again.

Not to 2x4 you too much, but you mentioned you are taking steps to see that it doesn't happen again, but are you clear on why it happened the first time?

I sincerely hope that you & your wife can survive this, please read all the info here, AND the books, so that you won't have anything in your future except a strong fulfilling M!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i dont really need to have her tested? the doc is foreign and i sometimes have trouble understanding him. he is a good doctor but i usually bring my wife along(she understands him). i did not want to ask her. he said something about hiv might not show up yet and he would strongly suggest testing her as well...and to answer your question no i am not sure why it happened. i have been trying to figure it out. i feel like someone else was living my life and i am now trying to clean up the pieces. I told my wife i will never drink again. (i didnt do it much before but it was enough apperently) and i would never set foot in a bar unless she was wth me. I also destroyed all my porn. I firmly believe the drinking played a strong part in this. and i never want it to happen again. I have also been reading about sexual addiction and porn addiction a bit. (i am at work) for the past few days i have had images of the incident flash before me and it sickens me. I cant figure out why it happened. i cant even look at myself without feeling ill. but it has been three days now and from nowhere i have these thoughts/flashes come to me. and they are wierd. its like there is something in me that needs to be fed. and its hungry again. because now the images dont sicken me. at all. and i try to force them back. and remind myself that how much i hate what i have done but it keeps coming up. i am fine now but what about in a day or two...or three? i am more than a little worried. anyway. is this contacting the girl then nessessary? or should i discuss it with my wife. i have to say that i am a little more than terrified about discussing the docs visit with her. any more advise. thank you. and if someone has a page with some information about the other problem i woud like to read it. thanks again.

Call Steve Harley @ MB. Ask him. I think I know his answer and I already gave my opinion to you. Steve will give you good guidance and a plan.

L.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

oops.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

thank you. i will go to a marriage councelor. but someone local. I cant afford this sites rates. i wish i could but it is not the case. I was just really hoping for several ideas on how to handle this situation. so i can show her i put alot of thought in this and am worried about the outcome. i dont expect miracles from here. but just sitting here at work stewing about it isnt helping me either. thanks for the help.

Here are the recommended ideas:

1. Read the concept section above.
2. Both you and your W take the emotional needs questionnaire located in the concept section.

3. Read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.
4. Read my link about the 5 stages of grieving so you will know how this impacts your W. Let her read it also. It is ok for her to go through these stages.... you can help her and she in turn can help you. It w/b hard but together and with the guidance of a good counselor you can recover with a stronger M.

5. There is also a site on here about finding a good counselor. Check it out so you have a guideline to go by. Ask the counselor if they are familar with MB principals. Many are.

6. Finish your portion of the STD testing. If you already had sex with your W, she will need t/b tested also. Both H and I were tested. He was tested 3 times.

There is no magic pill or potion..... you will have to do a lot of hard work. Do it as a team and it will work out. Know there will be down times and times where she will get angry and not trust you. You have to let her work out her anger. Not physically on you but she needs to get it out of her system. You betrayed her love, now you have to earn it back.

Hope it helps.

L.

thank you this does help...i could not find these tho:

3. Read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.
4. Read my link about the 5 stages of grieving so you will know how this impacts your W. Let her read it also. It is ok for her to go through these stages.... you can help her and she in turn can help you. It w/b hard but together and with the guidance of a good counselor you can recover with a stronger M.


could you point me to them.. i tried to find them from the home page of the main site but had no luck.
thank you.