I ask people a lot of questions because I'm trying to find a path. A lot of people here have different opinions and that's good. I've been sick and disheartened. This seems better than tarot cards.

There seems to be various thoughts about how long a BS should stay in Plan A. How does anybody ever know when it's working? Does it just click for WS one day? Does everybody get their niceness and good intentions thrown back at them? When do you say enough is enough to OW?

When my H was on his trip, I knew things were wrong and did, via phone, what I know now as a Plan A. He still had an affair. Then he engineered a homecoming that painted our house and our family in the worst possible light. He manipulates facts and conversations to suit him. (Okay, basic WS behavior) He slips around situations and commitments in a way that I can barely help getting angry. I spend almost 2 weeks, okay only 2 weeks, dressing nicely, flattering, complimenting, spending some really nice time together only to be told he can't be bothered to come to MC and absolutely cannot drop OW. To provide a wonderful Christmas holidays only to have him go dark for days. To be lied to early and often.

I look at his need for admiration and praise. I've done my complimenting. And I keep looking for thing I admire and come up short. This seems like a bad sign. I admire him for being good at his job. But what has the cost of this job been? I tell him I appreciate the way he has supported us. But at MC, he said that he felt that was just something he was suppose to do. Not an important EN. I compliment him coming to our son's sport event. But WH never came when our son wasn't a winner. He still hasn't been to one of DD's games. This doesn't feel very MB-y.

I worry about being true to myself. Can I do this for 6 months? Could I hang in there for 2 years? How can you know when Plan A is right? When do they start remembering the good things and not the times they pushed you to anger? I need a glimmer of hope.

Maybe I just need to go to bed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by grapegirl:
<strong> Does everybody get their niceness and good intentions thrown back at them? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got this from WW today in an email: "stop trying to buy the kids, for years you couldn't be bothered, now you are better than me - what a joke"

I think she is referring to the fact that I know now how awesome my kids are, and I love spending as much time with them as possible. Never once told kids, or her I was "better than her"

Maybe this is a sign, but rest of her email squashed that idea...

Trying to Plan A, and get custody at same time, this SUX!!!

GG, Plan A isn't about being nice to your WS.

Its about being all you can be CONSISTENTLY in a package that offers a well-lit way home from the abyss of the affair.

It took ME six weeks or so to identify and make sustainable the changes I felt I could and should make in order to repent of my pre-A behaviour that contributed to a poor marriage.

Then it was all about doing that consistently and watching my other behaviours effects. If shows of affection caused rage, I'd 180 and back off shows of affection until Squid initiated them.

Etc

Everything nice was thrown back at me until I realised AGAIN at about 6 weeks that my Squid had only peripheral vision. And nice 'gesture' aimed at HER was filterered through the fog to become a false, bribing , shallow effort.

I directed INSTEAD my generous acts at the kids and our family. Planned GREAT days out, invited Squid, if she didnpt want to come she'd hear how great is was from our kids later.

Went to our holiday home, asked Squid to join us, but we went anyway and had a GREAT time while she ate up her own poison at home and called OM for bullsh1t solace. Bear in mind I had exposed so he was avoiding crockery and not very welcoming of her calls by then ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

See the difference ?

I didn't do stuff for SQUID but i DID great stuff she could enjoy if she wanted to.

The only thing I DID was buy fresh flowers every week for the house.
Squid threw them in the bin week after week, and I would say " I like to buy them for the house, your choice what you do with them". It was a lovely day when she dressed them and arranged them in a vase !
BTW I still do great stuff with the kids and buy fresh flowers every week. I made no change in Plan A that I have not sustained. I DO some nice stuf aimed at Squid alone though now she is receptive again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And its my pleasure to do so !

How long to do Plan A ?

Well, it is designed primarily to end the affair into NC by enticing WS back to your family to give R a try.

If the A is still active after three months I would go to plan B. Removal of ALL that plan A goodness comes as a REAL shock to most WS.

If the A is over but NC is still not fully in place I would give it six months but really, no more.

Plan B is hard but is better than being used as a hopeful doormat. Do not get into the mindset of servility because of protracting plan A.I hope this helps, GG

All blessings.

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 06:54 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

very clear pure Bob -thanks that really straightens me out - Now a ? for you -DDay was Nov 22 2004, does the time the A went on count as this was going on for 2 years before I had my proof. My WH has been in a fog state for all this time -I have been wonderful and look great and feel so good about myself. I know I am a great woman and wife. He is the scumbag Fog Headed Monster. Should I keep working with plan A for 6 more months -I guess does Plan A start when the BS finds out about the A or should we count the time we knew in our gut but had no proof.

Bob, that was very insightful. WH and I aren't having a lot of contact right now. I felt very burned after last week and have pulled back. I'm waiting for him to initiate contact with our kids but offer information when asked. Maybe I need to make some big plans and invite him. Past experience shows that he says yes, yes and then backs out.

I've spent the week biting my tongue. Everytime I thought about a love buster, I squelched the thought. Guess I'll keep it up for a few more weeks.

Realtor, I am no expert. I can only comment from my own experience of MB applied to my life.

I would say that the Plan A'end the affair' clock startrs from D-day - the day of discovery and confrontation with WS.

But please check with wiser heads than me, or the Harley's great books to determine your timescale.
All blessings.

What really bites is being separated, I've been separated, and doing a 1/2 @ssed plan A, because in between I was just thrashing around in pain, I only exposed a week ago, but he is still p.o.ed about it, and I am going to plan B in a few short weeks, because now he's on his own, has plans to file for divorce (supposidly in August, but I have a feeling he'll try when he gets his 1/2 of the tax return) I live in a no fault state, but I will contest every offer he sends my way. I don't want to go to plan B, but I know I have to, have the letters typed out etc, ready to go, I did a pretty good plan A, he knows I love him and would do anything for him....right now he thinks I'm just a giant b*tch, so who knows....he's watching DD10 for me tonight so I can go to dinner for my birthday, and a few days after 'exposure' he came over here and got the kids off to school for me because my Dad had his heart cath, I was very upset and crying about it, because I was scared of what they'd find. He was my husband again for about 15 minutes, he consoled me, told me everything would be okay, held me in his arms, kissed me, I'm crying typing this.....I want him back so badly. I hope that plan B makes me stronger.

I had a dream last night that I was in Plan B, and he called to talk to DD10 and she said "Daddy wants to talk to you." I said "What does he need?" She said "He says he needs to talk to you" So I got on the phone and he told me that the A was over....then I woke up.

I think that plan B will definitely end the A....but I wonder, will he want me back after the A is over??? Or will his pride keep him away?
I don't know how much sh*t the OW is willing to take, he can be a nasty guy when he wants to be....and when I make him mad, I'm sure she is getting the brunt of his bad mood, I know I always did when someone else ticked him off.

I'd love to find an article on "alienation of affection" and send that to her......make her think about being sued for being such a backstabbing little tramp. Maybe I'll do during B...I dunno.

Well this was just a bunch of rambling, isn't it?

Sorry

-Caren

Caren did you just find out DDay 1/15/05 ? Are you pushing things a bit to quickly. Slow down there is no quick fix to this -I know I want one.I feel for you but back off a bit. I have decided to take care of me and forget about him and his needs. I am not going to call him once or twice a day anymore. Unless I have to. He is still living with me, I do not have the money to move out until spring. I am working hard but as a realtor I do not get paid till after closings. We had 4 hurricanes here in Fl. So business has been slow but is now picking up. I am tired worn out from all his family stuff-seems I am the only woman with any brains in his family who can handle some of my FIL problems. As i did for my MIL when she was dying. FIL had a stroke at our home when we took him to excape a hurricane and keep him safe. So I was stuck with all the sh@t.I wasn't working and his daughters could not get over to our coast. I am tired of taking care of everyone - so now it is all about me.I am rambling. Then after taking care of everyone I find out he has been having an A. Make you want to scream.....and never stop. I feel used and hurt. I do not feel love for him at all. I do not like him. I want at times to reverse the clock and go back to the time when he thought I was the only woman in the world..