Hey guys, it is good to be here and be able to sort things out. I am more a lurker rather than a poster but some advice will be strongly appreciated. You guys are amazing; BobPure, Believer, TreeReich, GrayCloud, Cymanca, and all the folks that are here trying to make it. I decided to post because I really need some advice. Long story short. My wife and I have been together for three years. She is 23 and I am 26. 8 months after starting we got married. She left six months later after marriage to study overseas for a year. She had 2 PA then. I partially found out about one and I revenged having three PA . When she was back I found out entirely about the 1st one and she confessed the second one. I confessed my 3. Well, since then MC for 3 months; Interrupted because of a trip we had together. Back from the trip and she moved to a town 370 miles away for school. For the last 6 1/2 months we've been living apart. Talking by phone all the time though and seeing each other 2 times a month. My confussion is we are now almost a year past last D-day. She feels controled because I want to talk to her. She wants to make friends and party and she wants to go overseas again for an internship. Even though, I really dont want her to apply for it. I don't know what to do, she's been giving signs of being super commited to the relationship but at the same time we've been talking about a break because of the pain, confusion and distance. I don't know what to do. I love her but I don't want to continue this long distance( I made this point clear). To make matters worse an ex I had from 6 years ago just recently contacted me. We just chatted and I don't have any feelings for her but she added to my confussion. She said she still loved me after 6 years of not even seeing her. My wife doesn't want to come to MB (Even though I ASKED HER), Finally she agreed to continue IC, she wants to go overseas again because IT IS AN INCREDIBLE OPORTUNITY FOR HER. I don't know what to do. Should I just move on or continue working on it. As you can see I am almost a year past d-day and I am still very confused. Any advice would be strongly appreciated.

Janei,

hard to say what to do! She is still very young and maybe still wants to have fun and go out and beeing separated all the time might not help the situation either.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation only that my WH did not have a choice but leave since he is in the US Army and he got moved back to the US.

May I ask where your spouse wants to go to do her overseas studies?


Janei, keep your spirits high! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dakotamoon

janei,

Welcome to MB. Please review the concepts section above. Because of your circumstances, communication how and when are more vital. Your M will suffer due to the distance.

Please read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley. Both of you should take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.

Also see if you U 2 could schedule some phone counseling with Jennifer or Cerri from MB. Steve is great also.

I understand your concern with her travel. If all this travel was foreseen, why did you marry at this time?

L.

dakotamoon

THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY

The fact that she is young is affecting our relationship. In fact, one of her supposedly whys she had two A's was that she was young and inexperienced when we got married. Even though now she is more mature, she still wants to have all the independence to go out and socialize. In addition she is a super achiever so for her me asking not to go overseas seems controling and not supportive. I have to say that I go out too, not often though and also want to do something in the summer like an internship. More because I don't want to be alone since most likely is that at the end of the semester instead of coming home with me, she will go to Europe for a research project. She also knows all my friends (with whom I go out for dinner of drinks sometimes, all males) and I don't know her new friends; thing that worries me. I don't really know if I am being paranoic or not. She has shown more commitment to our relationship than before and we've been to MC and IC. However, we have interrupted them several times because of this separation and traveling. Regarding your question, I think she wants to go to Europe for her masters. I still cannot leave the country then for more than six months because I am a permanent resident. If I leave longer it will be revoked. I need permission from the INS to do so.

I also want to ask you how are you dealing with your husband being away?

Orchid

Thanks for your prompt reply!!!!!!!!!

We already did the EN questionaire and read together the articles. I also bought SAA and Torn Asunder (which we never read). I know we are bad. I was very interested in reading them together but she was not very enthusiastic. Therefore, I stopped pushing. She said the books were not the answer for all our problems. About communication, I think that is still a big issue in our relationship. We are both very hard headed and do not like to admit when we are wrong. We've gotten better after MC and we have understood each other better. Lately we've been very bad at communication. We are very defensive towards each other and kind of indiferent. This is one of my main concerns. I don't want to live this hell again but whenever we try to talk about the issue we both agree on being drain. So we kind of dropped the issues out. Specially because we are far away, we don't want to make each other mad or have high emotions. This state have made us feel in limbo. To answer your question, I sometimes regret the fact that we choose to get married (very bad). At the moment of taking the decission I did not know that 9 months later I would be dealing with A's and then later on more long distance. I honestly think that if I would have known then, I would have thought about it twice. I guess I was in mad love for her. But also I want her to be successful and I don't want her to stop school. I think that would make more harm to our relationship than long distance. As you can see I am now 1 year passed D-day and still very confused.

Hi J,

Please review the book His Needs/Her Needs. Don't invite her to learn with you. WS' don't like to learn anything from the BS. In fact the nicer you are the meaner she may get.

Best thing is to go work on your personal improvements and leave her be. Be civil but not lovey.

Let her ask for your love and attention. If she accuses you of neglecting her..... let her know that her actions confuse you and then babble back some of her own words about control and her need to go find herself. Let her know she has her space and her own control as you have yours.... don't explain further. WS' can't process a lot of logic. They would rather spend their time berating the BS instead of cooperating.

Work on you, read those books and let's help you get back on your feet..... you sound a bit dizzy from that roller coaster ride she has you on. You want off? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Orchid,

Thank you for your prompt reply again!!!! You are amazing!!!!!!!!!!

I will read the books, promised. I really want to understand all about EN's and work my stuff out. I know that I have to solve my own pre-A issues and the post-A issues if I want to be a healthy person. Despite the fact that I don't know if I will stay with her or not, my firmest goal is to sort my things out and learn how to be a good husband. I know that it is not easy to be in a relationship, it's a lot of work and I am willing to do it because I am commited to have a meaningful life. That is something I learned from the rollercoaster. I sometimes do what you just advice me. Whenever I become distant she starts calling me and asking me if I am O.K. If I don't pay attention to her she goes crazy. I have to accept though, that sometimes I am too nice to her. In fact, I am always the nice in the relationship. This is how I feel. She loves to receive. She is a single daughter from a single mother and her mom goes crazy on giving her. She makes collages to receive her at home when she comes visit and buys the nicest food and wine. As you can see, she is used to receive and not that much to give. I sometimes feel used because I give without being stingy and she gives but always regrets it and is very stingy. I will also start practicing the Reverse babble, I already read your post and is great. Thank you for that one. I need to learn how to do it and remain calm instead of letting my emotions climb to my head in order to do it succesfully. And to answer your question, I am dizzy from the rollercoaster. I do want to get off.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 03:56 AM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

Orchid or Dakotamoon, r u there?

Well, just an update. For the last two days my wife and I haven't been talking by phone that often as we used to. Our schedules is one problem but also whenever we talk, my wife is always so tired and we do not have that much to conversate about like before. In fact, yesterday she called me and we talked for like 10 minutes. All by the sudden a friend she met at one of her classes called her and she asked me if she could call me back. I agreed. She spent one hour talking to this "girl?" and then called me back. We only talked for a few minutes because she was so tired and all couzy on her bed. It pisses me of when she does this, but she does it all the time so I gave up on fighting. I am just like whatever. I do not know what to expect out of this relationship. I do not know who is the one that is right? She or I. Maybe I am just felling angry or insecure or maybe not. Well, I just needed to vent.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

Janei,

I'm here. Sorry I didn't get back sooner. You sound better and you can see which way that roller coaster will turn just by your actions and her actions/reactions.

So you do have some control. To the effect that you can control how you let her actions affect you.

If she is going to act as a WS, stay away. Keep everything to a minimum.

If she is acting as your W should, then be yourself, kind and caring....but not overly so.

The WS tends to come out when they feel threatened.....the WS existance that is. WS' are like weeds.....they don't want t/b replaced by the spouse. They want to take over the spouse and choke out the one's we love. YIKES!!!! Sad but true.

So work on you and becareful around the WS.

All the best,
L.

Orchid thank you very much for your insightful thoughts. I have more updates today. I guess I am getting off the rollercoaster. Tonight I had a conversation with my FWW and we both agreed on the fact that we need a break. We are on a long distance which doesn't help at all for our recovery and we are on a major transition period. She is graduating this semester from College and I from community college. She doesn't really know what she wants to do as the next step and I pretty much have a defined plan oN what mine is. Maybe I am being selfish on sticking to my path but I need to finish college. The perspectives for her if we stay together are not very exciting.She will need to get a job or take a Masters on a subject that she is unsure if she wants it or not. She is a very smart, ambitious and succesful woman and I respect her a lot for that. I feel that forcing the situation by moving in together, trying to repair our marriage and in a way cutting her wings, intead of being beneficial can become another obstacle for our relationship. Since she is not exactly sure about what to do, staying right now together can create more problems than benefits. If she feels that she's been forced to do something she is not sure can bring more resentment in her and as a consequence more problems in our relationship. I don't want to end up hating her. I don't want to move in together and live like dogs and cats. I rather give us a break and sort our things out. If we are meant to be it will be, but we need to be standing on a solid foundation. I told her all this and she agreed said she thought the same. We decided to stay together this week and talk about it. She is coming next week and we made an appointment with MC where we will make all the final agreements. One day I heard that if you love a person let her/him go, if he/she comes back that means that is for you. If not, then be grateful for all the things that you learned from him/her and for the special moments you shared together. I will be posting more about how the situation develops and what my feelings are.
I really thank you again Orchid for listening and for all your support.

You know Janei, with each post I feel your inner resolve/strength growing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are still in school and have a plan. She is near graduating and not sure.... Now what is wrong with this picture?

Level of maturity. So living separate vs together for the sake of what? Education?

Hm.... not smart. Sounds logical...now but not smart. Sounds studious but it doesn not reflect common sense.

You are both married to each other. Committed to an R in an emotional, moral, financial, physical and legal way. They are intertwined.

Ask around to see about those who made some serious sacrifices in their lives at the expense of their families.... ask if in the long run it was really worth it. Then share this with your W.

If she is still in a A, it may not phase her.... if so then you ought to consider plan B. If it does cut through the fog, you may have saved her soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't fret if she doesn't get it. The fog is thick with the WS. BS and their best intentions may not always ben able to penetrate the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep working on you. Formalize your plans and implement on schedule. Move forward with dignity.

All the best,
L.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 12:58 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi Janei,

I agree with Orchid!
Just try to relax and see what happens!
As far as my husband being away; when he was deployed to Bosnia and later to Iraq I was very scared for his life but now with him being involved with someone else and not really paying much attention to us, it is different.

Before we would write letters almost every day and send packages and now before you do anything you always think

"should I do this or should I not, how will he react on this or on that, will he be upset about this or that and so on..."

It's tireding over a long period of time and I am already trying to do somewhat of a Plan A since last year June <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He always tells us that we are gonna be fine and that once he is back here in Germany our marriage will be better then before but I don't know how much of it is the truth or just babble!
After all, he is still living with the OW and her children...

One never know!

So hang in there and take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dakota

My Story

Well, I am back again with new updates. This ride is getting intense and is speeding up very fast. Last Thursday, when I called my FWW, the same attitudes of yoning, being sleepy and not interested in the conversation at all again. I asked her, what's going on? She said: "Just tired," her usual excuse. I asked her if she wanted a break from the relationship since we were not moving anywhere and she quickly agreed. I am starting to feel that a new OM is on the scene since she is starting to display the same attitudes she had when she got involved with the first OM... "I want to enjoy my last college semester, I need to figure out what I will do with my life, I feel controled by you, It is so much pressure having to call you and blah, blah, blah, blah." I said O.K. let's take a break. I decided to go along with the break because if a new OM is on the scene, I do not want to live it again. If it is only my imagination, those were the first red flags I received the first time. It was not that long after she started displaying those behaviors when I found out about the first OM. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN. Fast forward, Fri. she called me to see how I was doing, I told her I was sad. She said there is nothing to worry about since maybe by the summer we would be together again. I said "I don't know about that." She got a little defensive and I told her "Hey, don't get angry, I am just telling how I am feeling," she calmed down. I asked her to email me some papers I need to finalize my permanent residence process and she said she will email them on Sat. Saturday I received her emails with the papers. Very short emails which ended:
Love,
ZZZZZZ
I did not reply. I did not hear from her Sat. and Sunday. I honestly did not feel bad at all. I felt like a weight was taken out of my shoulders. Today I replied with a very cold email thanking her for the papers and asking for her plans this coming weekend that she will be in town. I told her on the email that we might be able to do something together and wished her good luck. No reply from her but I started to feel a tremendous anxiety. I wanted to call her just to see how she is doing but I didn't. I do not want to be needy and I don't want to be dissapointed by calling her and not finding her because I will get more anxious. Also, I don't want to end up in a fight with her. The bottom line is I do not want to live a new OM if there is one, or if there will be one. I want my needs to be met. I want to be loved, respected and made feel that I am the most important person for her. I guess for her it is super hard to do it because her priorities are: herself, her career and her friends. It is so much pressure for her to have a commited relationship (so selfish). Maybe like you Orchid said: SHE HAS A LACK OF MATURITY. I do not know. I needed to vent and I will come back later to share how I feel. Wish me good luck to get through the day without doing something stupid. Thank you for reading because I know it is very long. I greatly appreciate your support Orchid and Dakotamoon.

Janei

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

I forgot to add on my previous post that I am afriad about asking her if there is a new OM. First, if there is none. It would be a lovebuster and an obvious fight because I don't trust her. She would not confess any way and I have no proof. Just the bahaviors. If there is one, I would die this time. Maybe I am the one who is wrong. Maybe I am being paranoic because of the pain I felt a year ago; a pain that I still feel. I do not know. A big weight has been lifted up from my shoulders though by at least no knowing what the h** is going on with her and by not fighting. At least I am not being drained.