No headache here I have a tough ol head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question ... Who marries a conflict avoider?
Answer ... One who is most confortable taking charge.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually no I'm not comfortable with taking charge, I've done it because I had to. I've asked if he could help me by bringing something to the basement but yet 3 weeks later it's still there. that gets on my nerves (that's just an example)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you are most comfortable if your H would accept your conclusion and use your criteria to decide things. Admit this. I had to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">nope, if he would just decide something that would be great. I don't have to have anyone conform to my ideas, doesn't work that way.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Old mom ---> meet replacement mom</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">which I told MC I don't want to be, I'm not his mom I have 3 of my own thank you
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh wonderful. He gets to feel less adequate as a man this way.
You say: "I wonder if you really love me?"
Because he has probably been conditioned to rely on your independent conclusions to direct him how to feel ... he has now been directed by the great authority (new mom) to feel he does not really love you. Since you told him so, it must be true.
Great way to avoid intimacy on your part! Push him away with both hands and then complain he won't get close to you!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If we are talking about our feelings what am I supposed to say to him? Lie and say everything is wonderful. We took the EN questionaire and discussed them. He told me that I am a great wife and he blessed to have found someone who is so wonderful to him.
We've even discussed this with the MC, she's asked H if he hears what I'm saying and he admitted that he really never paid attention to what I said until recently when I was about to throw in the towel.
At first he was a very attentive mate, it was when is memories of past sexual abuse started happening that things went crazy. I spent 4 yrs with my arms wide open and constantly filling his needs while mine have constantly been forgotten. So yes I am now saying Um excuse me I am here, I have needs HELLOOOOOOOO
I have been lied to so many times, caught him chatting, and then also FINALLY get the truth that he did indeed cheat on me. So the last few months have been rough.
The MC suggested that we not have sex until I was ready to. Meaning he has to do the foreplay thing first. I can't really be specific here so I can't tell you what has been happening with that.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Self pity? Naw.... Probably "self loathing" is more like it. You told him how to feel about himself. He simply believes what you say .... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When we are discussing things whether just between us or with the MC that is exactly what he does, it's because he views himself as bad and that is not from me However by me saying I'm unhappy it just affirms his belief but I have told him that he IS NOT bad, just things need to be different and we have to figure out how to do it.
Like the MC told us we can try many different ways of making our intimacy better, have fun figuring it out. He focuses on his needs and what he wants from me. He tries to tell me it's my fault because noone ever cared so much as I do. His xgf wasn't like me...I laughed and told him I would hope not. I want to know his feelings, his dreams, his wants, etc He didn't even know them either. He told the MC that since his xgf never cared about his needs and that I'm so different he has taken advantage of it and in the midst of it got selfish and doesn't know how to get past it.
I think it was in October we were in MC and he FINALLY had a great break through. He was able to describe his feelings (something he couldn't before, he doesn't do well with knowing the different emotions). He even was talking more, getting more involved. Especially voicing his opinion about my girls, the MC and I were quite tickled at how defensive H gets when it comes to how the girls are treated by their dad. Another thing that has come out in session is when he is talking about my x and the girls is how he connects with them and understanding their feelings so it's been very helpful for him.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why would an inadequate husband (confirmed by what you say to him) feel he could ever possibly meet your needs and make you a happy wife?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not like that, he has a hard time with sex/emotions. and again has admitted when he's in that mood nothing else matters but what he wants.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where in your post do you mention meeting HIS ENs?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because the post isn't about his needs, they are getting met. The main thing he didn't like was when I was upset about something and not talking about my true feelings. that changed long ago, I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying the truth but know it's not good to do what I did.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How lonely and sad is your husband? probably on an equal plane as your feelings is my guess! Where is your empathy for his feelings? He has been told he is an inadequate man .... and if another woman comes along and tells him he is wonderful ... where might he choose to spend his time???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what he's told me he's not lonely at all. I have plenty of empathy for his feelings and everything that he's gone through. Kinda hard to type it all in one post you would still be there reading LOL. A talker I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Ummmm I take it you haven't read my story. I have more than another woman to worry about try another man..............and I do tell him he is wonderful, gorgeous, a great dad, etc
In fact I got him to open up to me more so than the MC, we would have nights where we would just talk and talk and talk. That part of our relationship is really getting much better, the part where he's helping around the house is getting much better, it's the intimacy part. I have told him plenty of times the great progress he's making. When he told me he wishes he treated me better and I said i do too, I forgot to add that I told him that is why we are seeing MC and working on it
He will be the first to say he doesn't want to have to deal with his past. MC told him that in order to make things better now, he is gonna need to go to the past.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And you like it that way because it is less risky than intimacy.
You cannot blame H for your choice to be the new mom in his life. You volunteered </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well being I was sexually abused myself I have a huge trust issue with men. I am working on that but it's kinda like the thing my h is going through feeling like you don't deserve someone's love and affection. However that has also changed, I know I deserve to be loved.
I know that sex is a huge problem for many men that were sexually abused.
I'm not his new mom and refuse to be. We were joking around about different things and I said I know the problem now, I'm not a big enough B*tch for you, so in order for you to get into gear you want me to be like your ex and mom. Nope not gonna happen. He of course made a comment that got him tackled.........
Trust me I have done plenty of changing over the last 7 yrs. That is what life is all about learning lessons. I do know a few things that I am having a problem with but can't say it here. I didn't have that problem until I found out about the chatting and other things.
This whole thing is difficult, I have moments where I feel lonely and down, today happens to be one of them. Not only that, Monday we will find out if he is transferring to a different state. If he does he will be living with my mom till about June/July until I can get down there. I'm scared, will he be online, will he meet with someone again I try not to think that way and push them out but they pop back in.
