OK, now to respond to evertyhing else: Tiggy, please stay, I understand what you were saying, I would expect the same from me. I am of the stance that it is never ok to hit in anger. I agree 110%. It was wrong.

This is one point that WH is getting caught on alot: "you had me arrested". Now that the bruises are there I show him. Told him today,I would do it again in a heartbeat. It is NOT ok to hit, tackle, jump on, whatever. I told him it was the only way I knew tolet him know he had jumped across the line of my boundaries and he had to know what he did was wrong. Not the A, the x-GF, the rest... but tackling me in anger. Am I afraid of him? No. Will I accept that behavior? Heck NO!

And O is right, when spouses are sparring, they often spiral out of control until they are two children. We actually had a laugh today, I told him my inner child was mad at his inner child! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> True, we grew up together, helped raise each other. He has always been there for me, I for him. Not in a way that is working for either of us right now. He is too dependent and I am tired of carrying all the weight, lots of anger and resentment. He is tired of being "controlled" but isn't exactly sure how to "step up and be a man".

We both had horrible role models all the way around. What can you expect that the mature one of us (me, most times) stopped being a child at 8 and was forced to intercede in every argument my parents had. I had to stand between them at times, trying to make them stop. I am still the adult in my relationship with my Mom, and I resent her for it everyday! Tried to talk with her about it, she reverts to this little child in either "I am sorry I was such a terrible mother" (said with as much venom as she can muster) or "You make me so sad and I don't know why you don't love me anymore..." <sigh>

Anyway, he came back tot he house earlier, we talked briefly and I fell asleep, so tired. He is sound asleep behind me on our bed, now, too. I am thinking about asking him to move back in upstairs or on the couch but haven't decided. Was working up a really good plan B here, but not sure if switching gears here is a good idea or not.

I have laid out my boundaries. No OW, no unaccounted time. Go to church, go to IC and MC. Get to be the strong man he never grew into. But, this am he was still saying he doesn't know if that means we can still be M. Says he has hurt me "too much" and doesn't believe I can forgive him again. I told him to stop trying to decide the ending without at least starting the process. I do believe, in some small, faint way, that God can rebuild our lives and our M. It is simply a glimemr right now, I have been reeling from it all. Feel like we have fast-forwarded through the stages and I am not sure where I am anymore.

I do remember the last time, 2 steps forward and 3 steps back some days. Not expecting miracles,, but then agian I know they happen.

Am I back to plan A? Is talking about the A, asking if xOW has called or inquiring of his general state of mind LB? He says he doesn't want to fight anymore, but I also don't want some empty shell of a man in my life. This is what he is right now.

And on a hilariously sad side note: WH told me yesterday that OW called him upset (several times, apparently). Seems she was still dating her BF for all but the last week of their A. Guess he found out and wasreally upset, says I told him everything. Never met the man, didn't know he was even still in the picture. Well OW's BF's wife called her and was upset that OW upset her husband!!! (got that?!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This BF was the one who OW was pregnant by in Dec and they were supposedly engaged! I feel like I am being sucked into a bad Jerry Springer episode! (not that I think any of them are good!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well he went to do another appt. I hate that he is going up there knowing she is there. He says he won't see her, don't really trust him much at all.

Told him we were at a crossroads.. I told him Plan A (using loosely of course) was that he could move back here. He would have to work at becoming "healthy, whole H" and I would work on becoming "healthy, whole W". There would be NO dropping out of counseling, no stopping church, working together in God's Will. We would work together torebuild our lives and the lives of our family.

I told him Plan B is that he stays moved out & continues to move towards D. In our state you must be separtaed 1 yr to D, so it wouldn't happen quickly. I told him if that was the case, I would get an atty, file for legal separation and withdraw all financial, emotional and physical support, and try to go on with my life. I said we would have to work out some sort of schedule for the kids. As it is, he wanted to stay separated and come here every morning and every evening to be here with the kids. I think that is unfair and short-sighted... correct me if I am wrong here: why should I let him come over here everyday, use our groceries, use the washing machine, the dryer, the water, etc. Continue to lull the kids into a false sense of normalcy when he has no intention of returning home. Sounds like he gets to come around and play good and happy Daddy and not have to handle any of the responsibilities.

Under this plan B, I would remove him from my health insurance, get a new, single auto insurance poilcy (would be cheaper on both counts) and not give him any more $ to pay his bills. I would keep the preschool tuition, the general household stuff and the mortgage. He would pay 2 car payments (I am not keeping them I will take one, we have three at the moment), his office rent, his own support and whatever I could get for child support. I know what he makes right now, not gonna happen!

I don't know, is it too soon for this? Am I jsut being reactive?? HELP!

No, you are not being over reactive..... WS is being under stupid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You gave him 2 options and he made up a 3rd. Was it in favor of the family?

Now ask yourself, if his change is genuine in addition to what you outlined what do you think you he s/b saying and doing to you and your family?

Present you and your family as a 1 pkg deal. You have to decide which plan you will enaact. It won't be due to his actions but due to yours. These plans are for you see how you are doing and to help you. WS positive changes are a side benefit.

WS is the one that needs to change himself. All that prior fog babble about the WS needing to find themselves have a ring of truth but not for the A. Once a WS returns home he/she had better already found themselves or the BS needs to send them out there to find the missing spouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

After I posted this ands he left again, I almost immediately felt a panic. Too soon, not ready tolet him back, etc. I am also reading "Love Must be Tough" by Dr Dobson, and felt like I showed my cards too soon.

He was a little late comeing back from his appt. I texted him that I was sad, knowing full well she was working up there tonight. He called back, swears he was burning a CD for someone else, offered to put her on the phone (I know this one, not too worried about her). I told him it wasn't necessary to talk to her. Saw her last night (the friend, now OW) and she knows everything.

In fact, the entire gym knows that these two were having an A. WH was "a little upset" that I told "everyone", but I fully intended to expose this A to the light of day. It'll be alot harder for them to carry on with everyone watching, especially knowing that her job is on the line. I told the owners of the gym that I fully believed that they had sex at the gym. If nothing less, she was courting him when he was being paid to work. Not sure why she wasn't fired, maybe it is the single mom thing, maybe they already had a clue and felt guilty. Everyone I spoke to remarked that they had noticed WH was spending alot of time upstairs and talking to OW! DUH! BTW, I only told the two owners & the manager who is freindly with my family (kids play together, etc). It trickled quickly form there. Isn't the whole intention to "out" an A, to expose it to the world so that the true weight and burden of the consequences are truly felt?

Anyway... WH came back over, on the way OW called him. He told me about it. She noticed he left the gym w/o saying anything and wanted to know how he was doing. I told him he needed to do a better job of closing that door permantently He told her he was ok, that we were talking more and fighting less. She threw in there that she was thinking of leaving town for awhile (cry for rescue?!) (run, whore, run!!) Sorry, need to learn to curb that more!

I spoke with him about a NC letter, can't find one. Anyone have a good NC letter laying around??

He also said that he wants to talk to our pastor tomorrow, go to the MC together Wed, etc. Before moving back in. hate to say it, but I was relieved. Too soon! He needs to learn more, not there yet. I am selling myself short by accepting these small steps as sufficient to prove he is ready to change. I want a whole and functional man. He says he cannot deal with hurting me yet again and wants to be at least somewhat sure that he can be "that man" before moving back home. Sincerety? babble? Too close to know at the moment! The rest of the evening was more peaceful, we watched tv with the kids, put them to bed and then he hugged me goodbye and left. Strange how easy it is getting for me to watch him walk out that door! <sigh> UGH!

OOPS! Saw his friend who he was burning the CD for, NOT the OW. (somehow I wrote "now" the OW)! Geesh, past my bedtime!