After a lot of soul searching, I have come to realization that my H is dead. All that I see is the WH. ANd that is someone that I will not deal with. EVER!
So, Although I will Plan A just because it is a necessary step. I have no hope that anything will get better.

TOnight, DD told me out of the blue that she wants to change her name to my maiden name. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It is so freaky as I was going to change my name back to my maiden name but decided against it because I thought it was important to have the same name as DD.

I cried when she said that., I am so proud of her but I am amazed that she came up with this on her own! What a fantastic kid. I told her THank you but that she did not need to do that for me. Her response? I am not doing this for you. I do not want the same name as HIM

MOre than all my support, this was the most important thing to me.

BTW WHen I went to pick up DD today, the Dork came out amd I just held up my hand and showed him that my rings are off. I said "see this? You are dead to me"

Amazing. I felt peaceful. He went white as a ghost. UH DUH I guess he thought I would fight forever. NOT going to happen. I have a DD who needs me and I will not participate in the BS any more. I will go to counselling with him for our DDs sake. BUt I doubt he will follow through. OTher than that. Screw him. I am not responsible for his actions I am not going to put DD and my life on hold any more.

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

((faa))

FAA,

I feel for you and I think if it makes you feel good to detach yourself from you WH in this way then go for it! It kind of feels empowering to not let this WS's drag us down and affect our lives so.

Good on ya,
Native

It’s tough to get ones head around that with the best of intentions and some honest effort one cannot control a situation to any degree eh? (Translation of “eh” for our American friends: “Canadian vernacular used to ascertain or reinforce a listener's interest or agreement”)

It’s your prerogative to throw in the towel…..but, maybe re-channeling your efforts might be a consideration. No plan A is definitive or perfect. The 6 month guideline is not written in stone and is only an estimated time frame that should be followed if one can avoid the negative responses that an A provokes. If you have reached that limit today so be it.

Why not draft a plan B letter…which really is part of plan A….plan B doesn’t start until the minute after he reads it. As you well know you have a year separation before a divorce can be granted here so you have time. Go dark…. let dork try his new found wings and start heading towards the sun.

In the meantime hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I know you like to do your research, and your hubby, like all of us men, do not enjoy poverty. Daughter wants to live with you right? I’m guessing at his wage, but that will mean about $400 - $500.00 a month to you according to the federal tables. Spousal support….it will be temporary according to present “no fault” law, but that may be changing. Read this

So what I'm suggesting is no hasty decisions…. write the PBL…post it here to be critiqued…..give it to him…avoid him. In the meantime research the above….let him know you’re doing requesting the last three years of his T-4’s. Oh yeah…..any RRSP’s? This step can also be done prior to the PBL delivery, but I just am afraid you may not be able to contain yourself from “getting in his face”. One must be very clear via the Plan B letter though, that these steps are not done with an intention to end your marriage, but simply to secure a financial footholds for your and your daughter if he continues on his escapade. I also strongly suggest that prior to taking such a step, you spend a few bucks on Harley. The DND may even have a program to reimburse some of the costs if it is for legitimate counseling with an accredited psychologist.

One more thing…. you’re in arguably one of Canada’s prettiest cities. Enjoy your daughter, enjoy the weather, plan a trip of whale watching, plan to hike the West Coast Trail, learn to fly fish, golf.


Edited to remove some stuff that could fall into WW's hands.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Thanks,Aislinn, Native.

Binder, everything you said is so true. I have his last 3 years of T-4s. The CS is right on the money. Loved the article. Pension I already know about. RRSPs, not very much but I will take half.

Actuary? I had never thought of using one. I was just going to go through my lawyer. But, this is better, I guess.

Fly Fishing? Nope. Salmon fishing? Yup! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> GOlf? Love it but I would have to sell my first born to afford that on a regular basis. DD and I want to Dragon Boat. DD wants to do Tae Kwon DO. WH can pay for that. I think Yoga and just walking and biking the Goose (It is a Trail, mostly paved that goes through most of Victoria and outlying areas.)

UMMM, Yes you are right about in his face. That is why I told him he is dead to me. I need to say and believe that to move forward. I intend to be polite but that's it. I will call DD so she knows when I will be there. Other than that, I will see him in court. He doesn't think he needs to pay me spousal support and wants to take me off as his life insurance beneficiary! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Dork! The idea is if he really croaks, DD and I will be taken care of. BUt of course his new family will need that, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Plan A? Plan B? I plan to sit back and see if he follows through on the counselling approval. And the frickin' sale of the house is final and we can move on! Then Plan B works for me.

{{{FAA}}}

Sorry. Can't advise you to stick with it. Only you know your sitch. If your WH had any shred of humanity in him he would be devastated by your daughters request.

Affairs are horrible.

Still spunky as ever! And you're DD is going to be just like you. How wonderful!

I admire your strength in deciding when Plan B is do-able. And your strength in being able to stick to a plan with a time-line securely in place.

You are going to rock when this is all over Fighting. Heck you rock now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{HUGS}}}}
I know exactly what you mean when you say your H is dead to you. I feel the same way. I also told my WH the same. He said "fine". He doesn't really seem to care one way or the other. I truly think he doesn't love me and is happier without me....at least he appears to be.
Sad isn't it? You are married to someone for so long and then realize you don't know them at all.
Hang in there!!!

THanks, {Bob}, I know, I am on my own on this one. Sigh. So what's new?

{{{Weaver}}} Thanks! Call me Spunky. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am constantly amazed by DD. Well, all of my kids. When I see how they are and how they stand up not only for themselves but for others, I am a VERY proud Mama! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know I raised them right!

{{{TreeReich}}} I have no clue what WH is thinking. He tells me he doesn't love me and never did. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Who knows? I can't change him. I am at the point where I am trying to figure out if he was ever who I thought he was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

To tell you the truth, I was surprised at his reaction when I told him he was dead to me. I thought I would get the usual smirk and a smart a$$ed answer. No hope generated by his reaction. Well, I hope he will eventually realize what he threw away. BUt that is not hope for us. That is me hoping that he gets his head out of his posterior. So, he can not damage anyone else the way he has damaged us.

Hi FAA...that was an awesome move. I kept my wedding rings on until I found out that he moved in with OW, now I have no idea where they are. Funny that, second to my children, my wedding rings were the most valuable things to me...they represented our pledge to one another. However, I digress.

When I told my WS that he was dead to me...I gave him the nickname, The Deceased. If people asked me if I was married, I would respond, "No, my husband is deceased." My closest friends would then inquire if I heard from the Zombie...it lightened up my sad and ugly moods considerably.

Karena. Awesome idea. I think I will use that. How about the Dearly Departed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I call the WH that replaced my H the Dork.

Is your WS an STBX or a FWH or still a WH? HOw are your kids handling this?

Deleted to prevent the slim chance that my WW reads this and gets ideas.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

((((faa))))

How 'bout a roadtrip south <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The Doubletree isn't there anymore but I bet we can find some trouble somewhere <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />