I am ashamed of my actions in the past.
The wife knows some but not all.
She knows about the affair, but not the baby
I am not going to tell her. I don't think it is my place. The husband wants no part of the baby. Now or ever. I am fine with that
And I left town before he was born. I don't want to create any more hurt or problems for her.
Mainly, should I send her a note apologizing for my role? Because I truly am sorry. Or should I just let it go, because I am not looking for forgivness. Wouldn't dare even ask.
And before you all think nasty thoughts about me, I am already well aware that I am going to hell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

People don't go to hell for what they have done. They go to hell for what they have not repented of doing.

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

You had an A and an OC. You feel the W/BS doesn't know all. You said you are ashamed and wondered if you should send a note to the W? What is your present status with the WS?

Why are you posting here?

These questions are to help us understand what kind of help, support or assistance you are seeking.

Thanks,
L.

I know for a fact she doesn't know about the baby. Also other than to tell WS that the baby was born, no contact. I ended it, I left town. I am posting here because I wasn't totally sure where to post (don't qualify for the pregnancy/baby forum). I just wanted to know if other BS would like an apology from the OW. But I am too cowardly and spinless to do it in person.

I know for a fact she doesn't know about the baby. Also other than to tell WS that the baby was born, no contact. I ended it, I left town. I am posting here because I wasn't totally sure where to post (don't qualify for the pregnancy/baby forum). I just wanted to know if other BS would like an apology from the OW. But I am too cowardly and spinless to do it in person.

Honey,

you're not going to hell.
Or if you are, I'm going with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
You made a mistake.
You set it straight by removing yourself from the life of this MM and his wife.
From what you're posting it seems that you are taking responsibility for what you did.
No-one can ask for more.

Your mistake has happened, whatever happened cannot be changed.
But you can decide to find out now why you let it happen, what made you fall into this "trap". And make damn sure it will never happen again, not just because of the pain and damage it inflicts on the partner and family of such a married man, but also because you are worth a 100% husband for yourself. Make yourself strong enough, with enough self-worth to settle for nothing less than a single man that will treat you like a lady, not like a piece of fun on the side.

I don't think a letter from you would be understood the way you mean it. It might frighten his wife into thinking you're trying to get in contact again in some weird way, for example. Or simply she doesn't want to be reminded of that part of her life, ever. You might also tell her more than she already knows.

I hope you and baby are ok now ?
Have you found a safe haven for yourself and your child?

Thank you for your kind words and advice.
I guess I will just send apolgy Karma.
Me and Baby are fine. He is my one saving grace and I am blessed to have him.
And we are safe, my parents let me move home with no questions asked.
How lucky am I to have a family like them.

Sorry,

Must say so far you sound better than most OWs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wish the best for you and your little one. You made a bit mistake that will be refleted to you each day for the rest of your life. You have the choice to make the mistake worse or move foward, making sure never to put yourself in that situation again.

No contact is vital for your recovery and theirs. It is good your parents helped you come home. You now have to provide that same example to your young one.

Please read through some of the books here, like: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. They will help you with your future relationships.

Don't rush. That little one needs your time and attention right now. Love your baby. The rest of the world can wait. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

If you do send an apology, I would add something like "I will never contact you again" (if you weren't already planning to do that).

From the viewpoint of a BS (betrayed spouse) that probably is the most important thing - she needs to get on with her life, like you do, but she needs to be sure you will no longer be a part of it.

Don't forget you're just "the person who had an affair with her H". This is all she knows about you. She might be a strong and forgiving person, or she could be very frightened, or angry.. There is no telling how she will react to your letter. She might also feel different about it when time passes.

I know there are several women on this board who would have loved to receive an apology from the OW. I got one myself - it did make a difference.

sorry, do you belong to a church? Have you asked God for His forgiveness? If so then you are forgiven by Him, so forgive yourself and move on with your life with your precious little one. I would forget the note it would probably be a trigger for the W. BTW, you should be glad you got away from MM. What kind of man makes an OC and does not tell his W? Is he not paying CS? How are you managing financially?

Hello,

I believe the wife has a right to know all of the information about her husband and the other child.
In addition, I would contact a lawyer about having this man pay child support. Why should the child suffer and it is his legal responsibility to support this child. Allowing him to dance away will encourage him to continue with somebody else and meanwhile your child is hurt. Please see an attorney. I wish you luck.

I think somewhat along the lines of Bryan.

Get an attorney and file for child support. Not for you. Not for vengence. But because that is the child's legal right.

YOU have a MORAL obligation to pursue your child's legal rights of paternal financial support!

Your child cannot petition for support himself, so you opperate as his agent to insure he has the best life possible growing up.

This is not about what you want. Not about what MM wants. Not about what MM's wife wants ... 100% about what your child rightfully deserves.

You already cheated your child out of a 2 parent stable home. Don't cheat your child financially after that first mistake.

However, if MM is court ordered to pay child support (probably after DNA testing) he may file for visitation , as is his right. The only reason NOT to do this would be if MM were a "bad guy" dangerous in some way to you or your child.

This is the consequence of your action. Take responsibility by doing the morally correct action for your child. Leave your feelings out of this.

Pep

Last year my father got contacted by his son in Norway. Well that was a surprise to all of us as none of us had been aware that we had an older half-brother. What a can of worms was opened after 46 years. After all that time, this man (my 'brother') felt compelled to find out more about his father. This all happened before my parents were married but still was hard for my mum to chew on.

One day your child may want to contact his father and the affair will come out eventually. I think everyone should know what is going on. Let them deal with it and suffer the consequences. A child is not something that can be swept under the carpet. I hope your son continues to bring happiness into your life. TT

I agree 100% with Bryan and Pep here. No question about it.

Sorry,

I am a FOW who has been here since early last spring. I am no longer with XMM. I do know your pain, and your guilt.

I have a feeling that you are inflicted with a huge lack of boundaries, or even the understanding of what they are.

Well I have been stuck to this board like glue for months now, and I think I finally get it. Stick here and read and study, and you will get it to.

I am sorry for your pain, both what you inflicted on yourself, and what you helped inflict on others. But as others have already said, it is not a sentence to hell. The hell, I am afraid is already here for you, in your own mind and soul.

Now will be the time for you to learn to climb out of it. To be rependent in other words. And to except only the blame which is yours to accept and to make amends where amends are due.

Start with doin right by your baby.

Sorry,

I got a call from my ex husband's ow about 6 years after he had committed suicide. She offered to answer any of my questions, said she was truely sorry, that it had been eating her up all those years, that she was the one who pursued my husband and she was sorry for that. She had been a serial OW being with at least 3 other mm. My ex shooting himself in front of her seemed to cure her maybe.

Anyway, enough time had passed AND I did know her somewhat. Her and I got close after he died. It's a weird world sometimes but really I was the only other woman that understood him the way she did. We really helped each other fill in the blanks.

We talked for over an hour that day she called and I really appreciated it. And before it was over I told her I had forgiven her a long time ago. And I don't want to freak people here out but I did end up asking her to forgive me for being pretty vicious to her during their affair. And thanking her for being more than decent to my children. It was very healing for me. And maybe even for her too.

But like I said before, a lot of time had passed.

I should also make a confession of sorts. When I first seperated from my ex I got involved with a seperated man, who ended up getting back together with his wife after a few months. I came out pregnant. But he has never been involved in either of our lives. Everytime I have seen his wife, she looks at me with utter hatred. I have felt like apologizing myself and yet I know it would only open an old wound for her.

Well, I hope I was as clear as mud there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think you will be fine. The guilt you are feeling is just because you are a good person at heart who did a wrong thing.

Hang in there.

Tiggy

I appreciate everyone's input.
My XMM was also seperated during our encounter. (Just to argue semantics, is that a full fledged affair still?)

And as for child support, it is more complicated than just money. I am in Canada, and the govn't steps up when the fathers don't, it is almost easier to be single. All my healthcare & childcare is subsidized. I am educated and when I am off Maternity leave I do have a job (I have 1 full year off in which I recieve unemployment benefits) So I don't need the money. Also I have a very large and supporting family. Many Aunts and Uncles and Cousins, so it isn't like the baby is being short-changed on love, attention, or male role models. He has everything he needs finacially as well.

I do have HUGE misgivings about allowing access though, because I don't know if it is a healthy situation to expose my child to. MM & MW have a nightmare for a marrige (long before I arrived on the scene) Not to make excuses. MW also had an affair previously and MM & MW's second child might be the product of that affair. (MW own words). As it is now there is alot of fighting, and drinking (at least 3 nights a week of heavy drinking) at their house.

Am I at least correct in thinking that it isn't my place to tell BS?

And since I had the baby, I have had an Epiphiny. (sp?) I am reformed and I do realize the harm to myself and others. I look back and wonder "what the hell was I thinking". But on the other hand I also can't help but be happy it did, because I have a child now (something I never thought would happen, long story and OT) And that is the greatest thing in the world. And I am commited to him. Heart and soul.

Also, about child suppport.
I firmly believe that forcing a man to be a father doesn't make him a good father. You have to be willing, and truly want the child.
As far as I am concerned DNA doesn't make a father.
I believe we will be better off alone (for a while). Then perhaps in the future I may meet someone.
And wouldn't it be poetic justice if I became the BS.

Well then, getting back to your original question....

No. Do not apologize. Keep 100% out of their lives since you are chosing not to go for child support.

Let it alone and live a good life.

Blessings.

Pep

Sorry,

You are ahead of me in naming it as an affair even though he was seperated. It didn't actually dawm on me that it was an affair and that his wife saw me as the ow until I wrote my story out on SYMC just a couple of months ago and one of the moderators emailed me to ask me to change something I had said about the other man. At first, I was like what? What other man? I just never saw him that way since his wife was divorcing him and I was in the middle of a divorce too. We didn't hide it so I never saw it as anything but a bad relationship. It has been 9 years and the lightbulb just went off.

Bite your tongue on the poetic justice part!!! I became a BS now twice. I would go with your gut on being alone with your little one for now. JMHO though.

Tig

This is for Pepperband and Tummytuck (sorry if mispelled).
to quote: "cheated my child out of a stable 2 person home"
Being married and having children doesn't guarantee a stable home. And have 2 parents isn't always the perfect setting. What about when there is a parent who abuses their kid, or worse just ignore them.

My child IS lucky. He has a stable 3 person home, with Mom and Grandparents. Not to mention his wonderful extended family who all live close by. There is no drinking, smoking, drugs, abuse, or even fighting. It is a nice house, in a nice neighborhood.

And someday he may have a father, but it will be someone who WANTS to be his father.
And when the day comes when I have to explain about the biology involved, I will be honest. I will tell him that his father didn't want anything to do with him, now or ever. (exact words), but I also intend to seek out professional councilling for that day as well.

Sorry if I seem like I am ranting, but I am a bit defensive about my baby. Because I know he has to suffer for my sins, and I have to hurt him someday with the truth. Perhaps that is my penance, because I think about it everyday.

Thank you all for listening to me though and being kind. I really do appreciate everything you have written.