S4....

When a bird lays an egg ... she generally builds her nest first and lays the egg once the nest is built. She generally does not lay the egg first and then look about for a place to sit on her egg.

I certainly want your child to have a wonderful life. So, do the best you can.

Be like the bird next time.... make a nest before you bring another child into the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's pretty simple.

Don't waste time being defensive.... be proactive instead. Your kid sure has a fighter for a Mom !!! That's good.

Pep

I couldn't agree more that your wonderful extended family will be a safe and loving place to raise your son. Fantastic. What I understood was that your ex's wife doesn't know what's gone on. Regardless of whether or not you want child support, shouldn't she be informed that her husband has fathered a child? TT

Tummytuck,
I don't know what to do!!!!! I am just doing what I think is best.
No, she doesn't know about the baby. But I think she suspects. I know she asked him and he denyed it. And I don't want to tell her, because I don't want it to seem like I am interfering. I was told not to apolgize because of how it would be recieved.
What would she think if I called her up out of the blue and dropped this bomb. I am a spinless coward. Shouldn't it be his place to admit it? Because honestly, I am just glad that the whole sordid affair is over with. And I don't want to stir it up again.
Not that I am looking for sympathy, cause I am not. I am honestly happy with my situation (not my actions that led to it). But dear dad has denied me and baby. He said he wouldn't abandon me an baby, but he did. That was his choice. I chose to keep my baby and dedicated to being the best mom I can be.
So I don't know?

s4:

"No, she doesn't know about the baby. But I think she suspects. I know she asked him and he denyed it. And I don't want to tell her, because I don't want it to seem like I am interfering. I was told not to apolgize because of how it would be recieved."

If she hasn't already figured it out, I'm betting she will even2ally.

If what you say about their relationship and the things the OM said about his own child are true, it is probably better 2 sever all ties until such time as your son wants 2 know the story, when he's old enough.

best,
-ol' 2long

You have MY sympathy, for what it's worth.

I'm a BS with TWO OC. I am mightily conflicted at to whether or not you should apologize...but my gut instinct (from what you tell us) is NO. I would not want MY kids at someone's house who drank and fought all the time....no matter what. The babies come first. YOUR baby comes before OM and his W's feelings in your world. Always keep it that way.

(((S4)))

If you need me, I'm here to listen.

Oh, also, quite a few have mentioned this on other posts - if you feel a need to apologize, why don't you write it all down? You don't have to send it, but at least it cleanses those feelings out of you a bit.

- Kimmy

I'm so glad you're here sorry4.

There may be other ways to make amends than a "sorry" letter.

I don't have any brilliant suggestions.

Did you ever see Amelie?

GC

sorry4,

You obviously believe in God, if you are worried about He11. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So, my advice to you is, pray for this woman. Pray for her well being and her rebuilding of her M. Pray for love and peace to surround her.

KY

Orchid, You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No contact is vital for your recovery and theirs. It is good your parents helped you come home. You now have to provide that same example to your young one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand to some extent what you are saying in your overall post here. But this idea about NC being needed for their recovery? Isn't that kind of letting the guy off the hook? Fathering a child is no small matter to be swept under the rug. Not trying to argue with you here, but that just sounded a little out of place to me.

Producing a child out of wedlock sure complicates matters in a HUGE way, I would think.

But then, that's just my opinion.

Thanks Everyone
And once again, I would like to thank you all for letting me on your board.
I am learning alot.
So I am going to put out a "Cosmic Apology" from all the other women who like myself are unable to apologize, but want to. To all the betrayed spouses, man or woman.
I realize now why the term 'cheating' is so apt. It is because everyone is cheated. Husband, wife, lover, and any children. There is no winner.
Peace

this is too B4Long, and anyone else who may wonder. This is how I view the whole situation.

I didn't let him 'off the hook'.
I could have just as easily had an abortion, and then this situation wouldn't exist. But "I" could not do that.
Sperm does not make a father. Biologically he donated to the existance of another human being.
All he is-is a sperm donor.
And I honestly believe that trying to force someone to be something (a father) when they don't want to, is just asking for trouble. When there is no love for the child, what good could possibly come.

If the father has a change of heart in the future, and tells his wife and wants contact. Then I would be willing to re-examine the situation. But I will not for any reason (especially not money) force him (and by association) his wife to accept my baby.

I made my choice, and I can live with it.
What he chooses to do is out of my control.

Sorry

I apologize if I come across sounding judgemental as I have no place to speak here regarding your situation.

I realize it's not about forcing anyone to become a 'father' or accepting the baby or anything else. It would just seem to me that for the well-being of the child, future health concerns, financial obligations, etc, that he be made aware. I mean, as painful and awkward as this all may be, perhaps he 'should' know...or oddly enough would 'want' to know.

But bottom line is, we all make our own decisions as to what we think is best and have to live with those decisions. I wish you nothing but the best with whatever you choose.

Blessings

My Mistake.

I just reread where he wanted nothing to do with the baby. I thought he was unaware of a child being born to begin with.

I'm sorry for the struggles you have had to and will continue to face.

God will make a way.

Sorry4...

Here's the thing about a unilateral apology. You don't give the BW an opportunity to show you her pain. If all you offer her is words, she's likely to be unsatisfied. It might make you feel better, but it may not do anything for her.

I'm sorry... I think your wish to make amends is noble and good, and I think you have to try. But an apology letter may not cut it. You remain disengaged, and the value of the gesture from the BW's perspective (and she gets to be the sole judge of whether or not it's worth a damn) remains unknown to you.

As a BS, if I received a letter like that from the OM, but everything else remained the same, it would not be worth very much to me. I'd think to myself, well he made himself feel a little better now, didn't he?

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sorry4:
<strong>

....My child IS lucky. He has a stable 3 person home, with Mom and Grandparents. Not to mention his wonderful extended family who all live close by. There is no drinking, smoking, drugs, abuse, or even fighting. It is a nice house, in a nice neighborhood.

And someday he may have a father, but it will be someone who WANTS to be his father.
And when the day comes when I have to explain about the biology involved, I will be honest. I will tell him that his father didn't want anything to do with him, now or ever. (exact words), but I also intend to seek out professional councilling for that day as well.

Sorry if I seem like I am ranting, but I am a bit defensive about my baby. Because I know he has to suffer for my sins, and I have to hurt him someday with the truth. Perhaps that is my penance, because I think about it everyday.....

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your forgiveness was purchased many centuries ago.

As for the penance, You be the best mother any son has ever seen.

I believe you are absolutely correct in wanting a father for your son that wants to be a father. It is not your place in this situation to "call up" the married man to a place of responsibility.

Do the right thing for your child, leave the destabilizing elements out of his life until he decides, for himself, what he wants to know.

I see no purpose in contacting the other man's wife. Let them recover their lives the best they can without interference.

That's my $0.02 worth.

All the best,
Gimble