I'm the BS.... Blame Me!

Yep, go right ahead. You won't be the first or the last. WS blamed me. OW blamed me. TOW boards blamed me. People who have either not been through an A or didn't know the full story....blamed me.

Who am I? I am the BS.

1. I found out by: 'accident'..... c/b a voicemail, e-mail, snail mail, read a card, heard some noise, saw it with my own eyes, received a phone call, overheard a conversation, had a hunch, etc.

2. I was told I was: crazy, controlling, manipulative, never loved by the WS, forced the WS to marry me and have a family, had an A with FIL, to take my children and have the OW watch them it will save $$, a liar, a cheat, unfaithful, abusive, etc.

3. I was told to:allow WS to spend family funds on the OP, let the OP watch our children, allow WS to come and go under the pretense of finding him/herself, forgive the OP, send a thank-you card to the OP, ask the WS for forgiveness, give up my spousal and/or child support, give the WS every chance he wants, let the WS sit on the fence and eat cake, move out, get a job, take a hike, abandon my family, give up my title as spouse and parent to an OP, pay for OC' and OPs medical coverage, give inheritance to OP, give property and possessions (like a custome built house) to the OP and her/his family, give retirement $$ to OP, give OP a car while my children can't go to the doctor, etc.

4.I was forced to: see the act in my home and bed, listen to their conversations between OP and WS in our home, see my children cry asking the difficult questions about the other parent, see my chlidren and I rendered homeless, losing job, home, family and friends due to the lies and deceit of the WS, go into financial hardship, scrape each day to get by, give custody to the WS, see the WS take my children to be with the OP, hear the lies of no A when there was and is an A, forced to see the pain on the faces of my children, family, co-workers and friends who didn't know how to help me, find another way to get support since I could not afford decent MC/IC, file an RO against WS/OP, go to a family shelter to escape further abuse, take WS to court to get child support/alimony, forced to go to his work/military to inform them of gross misconduct just to be told 'it is a personal problem', watch the WS take drug, turn to alcohol, view porn on family computer, to view video of WS/OP, live on the streets due to kicked out with 2 children no car no $$ no home, deal with STD related illness, change my lifestyle, to accept a D that was not of my choice, to lose my loving spouse and to see his/her body overtaken by the strangest and meanest character I have ever met.

Through it all, I was told NOT to get angry, not to retaliate, not to lose my temper, not to resort to any sort of violence, not to LB, not to fight, not to leave my M, not to abandon the WS, not to blame the WS and OP without taking the blame 1st, etc.....

Well that maybe all good advice and all but you aren't dealing with a perfect person. As a human BS, I may lose it and make mistakes. I need guidance not brobeating when I make a mistake. I need t/b loved just like any other sane human, I need to know my family is safe. I want my spouse back. I don't want the WS/OP and their games in my life. I am doing my best and sometimes I slip. I forgive for the errors I have made but will NOT take the blame when it belongs elsewhere.

For the most part, I do the best I can. That includes getting angry and taking protective action as needed. I am not sorry for RBing when needed. I am not sorry for protecting my family against the WS/OP's onslaught of attacks.

I'm the BS, I didn't chose to be one yet I am.... go ahead blame me if it makes you feel better. I know better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> How come you don't?

L.

BTW items 1-4 listed actual experiences reported here over the past 5 years.

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Self-blame, when undeserved or when out of proportion to what the truth really was is the most destructive force there is.

I do not like it when a BS blames themselves, or excepts blame from the fogbound. It scares me because I know this kind of self-blame first hand, and also the complete destruction of oneselve due to it.

I have a life-long habit of blaming myself, and it wasn't until I came here and started learning about boundaries that I realized, if I was at fault at all it was because I had no boundaries. But as a girl in my twenties that would have been such a foreign concept to me it would have gone over my head completely. Now boundaries are my confidance and my strength that I am safe from others who would hurt me and then blame me for it.

Getting back to self-blame, and what I think Orchid is getting at-

In my early twenties I worked in Reno as a cocktail waitress/bartender. I was very happy and full of life. One night I was brutally attacked by a man who had been stalking me. I thought he was just a harmless guy who had a crush on me. I never called the police, simply called a cab, went to the train station and took a bus the three day ride home to N.Michigan with blood actually coming out of my ears and a neck which was black and swolen from being strangled. I don't know why he didn't kill me, maybe he thought he had. He was very drugged out or drunk or something.

Called my sister to get me from train station and we cleaned me up and never told a soul. I stuffed it all, and went on with my life. Three years later I had a complete, total nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself. It took another few years to climb out of that dark hole of self-blame where I had put myself. And then I went on to be betrayed by the two men who I had fallen in love with since then. Terrible thing this self-blame. You actually start to seek out people who will reinforce this subconscious, faulty thinking.

Self-blame for an attack on oneself by another, or others is a very dangerous road to take.

Should the BS be blamed? Should they take the blame which belongs to another? HELL NO!

Should they stand up and fight there attackers? HELL YES!

My analogy was actual physical violence by an accaintance but the attack to ones soul is comparable to what a betrayed spouse feels. Only I think the betrayal from a spouse is far, far worse than the kind of attack I suffered.


edited to change the word metaphor to analogy.

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Weaver that was a dreadful experience. Iam glad you so obviously overcame it to become the person you are now.

I went through a phase of believing Squid's assertion that I was to blame for her affair: that I gave her no choice. I think now that it is part of the self-worth threat all BS go through after d-day. I was reading 'the monogamy myth' last night and Penny ,erm, THINGY, says that on and after D-day when a BS is at their lowest ebb, WS can actually be smug, arrogant and certain of their rightness, and certain of their R with OP.

Squid was like this. I have written before that timelines are very different for WS and BS. Our stong and weak times are very different, almost inverse. Its one reason why Plan A etc is so hard for BS.

It didn;t take long for me to deconstuct the true situation though and to banish all blame except for that which was my doing.

I avoided conflict, thereby supporting Squids independent behaviour and I filled teh gapos in my life where Squid used to be with work.

Sorry, my bad. I really take no blame for anything other than that. I helped make an unsatisfying M but in no way did I make justify Squid having an affair.

I DO think its important though for a recovering FBS to not be self righteous and MUST also accept the blame ( or at least attribution) which is theirs. This has been an important part of our ownrecovery so far.

Yes, Bob I agree. There is no place for self-ritiousness in recovery, personal or marital, it is counter-productive to both.

I feel nothing for my attacker. He doesn't exist to me, never did. All the anger I should have had for him was turned inward, and now it is gone completely.

You are strong Bob. You saw the truth for what it was. I worry about those who are not quite so strong. The women/men on here who believe that they somehow are at fault. They hinder there own progress because they do not stand up and say, "NO, this is NOT my fault and I will not take it lying down! No I do not deserve this and am not to blame for it".

These are the ones that worry me.

I GOT strong weaver.

If I wrote a 'surviving infidelity' guide I would start with 'getting strong 101'. The cr@p hamstrings us on d-day when we need to be strong. It took me a month before I got the grit to expose to OM GF. Nothing you say affects WS then anyway, BS be better off down the gym, reading, praying and ICing IMO.

And yes I agree, A lot of BS believe the fog rationalization. I can't actully help anyone like that now. It frustrates me too much. Its one reason why I'm backing off for a while.

Avoiding LB'ng is not the same as avoiding upsetting your WS.

Avoiding LB'ng is not the same as avoiding upsetting your WS.

Agreed Redhat. It took me quite a while to figure this one out. And I see on here that it is a frequent misinterpretation of the concept.

Bob, maybe strong wasn't the right word. Maybe determined is more accurate. But you also had a healthy dose of something. Self-worth?

weaver,

Here is another one that took me along time to realize ...

Doormat plan A is necessary when BS has "large" contribution (neglect, etc) to the demise of happy M before A.

However if you don't have any (better than average joe/jane) or your contibutions were made up by the fog or your WS has acknowledge your changes ... go to plan B as soon as you can.

Failure to do so would result either Dv or hinder your recovery down the road.

-rh-

Right. The length of Plan A should be dependent on how crappy or good of a spouse you had been leading up to the affair. How long it would take to demonstrate that you can offer a safe and forgiving environment should WS end the affair.

I read where Cerri said that if faced with infidelity by her husband now, she would go directly to Plan B. I assume because she practices filling up his love bank as much as possible. Plan A would not be necessary in her case.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong>I read where Cerri said that if faced with infidelity by her husband now, she would go directly to Plan B. I assume because she practices filling up his love bank as much as possible. Plan A would not be necessary in her case. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the first time I hear it. I am surprised she even considers plan B since her H is a FWH. He knows better.

If my next mate cheat on me, I will Dv'ed her right away. b/c I would have made sure that we implement 4 gifs of love ... and I pick my mate only and only if both of us are capable to fillin each other ENs. There is no excuse for ignorant in this betrayal.

-rh-

Lots of good points here. One positive that came out of my own self blame was seeking and finding places like this. I was determined to find out what I DID WRONG.

If I would have blamed everything on my W from the start that arrogance probably would have kept me from searching for answers. I would have D her right away and moved on.

As it turned out I too found out pretty quickly that my biggest mistake was one of having no boundaries. I believe my W would have left regardless, but the problems would have come to a head and been dealt with one way or the other a LOT sooner if I had not been such a CA and had enough respect for myself to set clear boundaries.

1-4 taken from this site over the past 5 years?? Heck I think they were taken from my life over the past two years.... okay maybe not ALL of them. I will tell you this though, I couldn't read the whole thing cause it gave me chills and I'm setting here drinking my coffee.
Wow what memories!!! does anyone else ever look back and think how did I survive all of that?

Everybody have a great day and always remember
IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

Starman,

I hadn't thought of the point you make about a certain amount of self-blame being necessary. It brings us here, searching. Arrogance would be just as destructive as self-blame in a way.

So in conclusion it would be a fine line we walk.

And which side of the line we fall to would be determined by our own self-worth in the end.

I fell to self-blame because I had no self-worth. This I see here over and over again.


And YES, it is a great day to be alive Mr E!

I can't help but grin whenever I read your sig line. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ok, I read Orchid's very comprehensive post twice.

I didn't see anything about self-blame.

I saw instead, perhaps, a reason why people ought to be a bit easier with the 2x4s on a BS, and perhaps have a little more compassion when they make mistakes.

That the BS tends to fall into believing the cacophony of blame from others simply makes the point even stronger.

The BS has enough pain and blame. Maybe those 2x4s should be padded and brought out less often.

Bramblerose,

What I got from Orchid's post was that she refused to accept blame which was not hers. This is a very empowering thing.

One which I didn't have. If you are empowered with this type of self-worth than even the 2x4's from others will deflect, if they are not deserved.

If she was referring to another thread where BS's were getting slammed, I missed that thread. (well I might have an idea of which one it is now, but didn't put two and two together berfore) So my responses were from my own experiences having to do with blame, from myself and from others.

OK I see, I had a shout at some of the FBS on KYs thread becaue they want FBS to wear a millstone for life that says "FBS" thats is very unhealthy and not cognitive of the human condition IMO.

I didn;t see the link between Orchids post and that one, if indeed there is one.

I am a FBS and I thought some were WAY out of order on THAT thread.

Actually guys, Orchid is speaking to ME.

Orchid, if I had known that your story was what it was I would not have answered the questionable portions of your posts with a general lecture on the evils of domestic violence. You already know all too well. {{Orchid}} The reason you got a lecture was that I was somewhat stunned to read your apparent justification for physical violence, it just didn't compute.

If you reread the thread you will see that NOWHERE do I blame BSs but I did specifically addressed your assertion that losing it to the point of violence is "understandable". This applies to BS and WS alike. My response to this was a BLANKET warning about not engaging in physical violence not matter what side of the fence a person is on.

The original poster, who is a BS did NOT attack her H, he attacked HER. When the next two concerned posters told this person to get outside help for the DV which is THE correct advice, you responded to them with statements about jumping on the BS. ???? I'm under the impression you misread the post....this poster didn't lose it, her H did and went to jail for it. For her to seek outside assistance is vital.

You possibly didn't go back to the thread after your last post so I will repeat my response to you here:

Originally posted by Orchid:

Until I went through this A crap, I thought I could handle almost anything. I have witnessed and seen many severe crisis from others around me. What I learned is that in a crisis such as an A, the heart and mind go out of sync. Reasoning often goes out the window for both the WS and BS. This is why it is critical for the BS to get a clear mind, calm heart and pray for patience.

This is very true and why it is so important not to call any violence incurred during this critical period "understandable". To call it such implies that it is excusable. It is not. I'm sorry that you found yourself in a violent postion with your H Orchid, but it is not helpful to be "understanding" of behavior or contributing behavior that is the antithesis of how MB teaches us to treat each other. This is what I was addressing to you. MB offers BOTH parties valuable tools to avoid out of control situations. This is what we offer to Momma since she is the party posting. If you notice I designated the last portion of the post to her. The former was written for you.

The tactics that help go against most logic. Yet they work. What doesn't work is browbeating a BS who already feels like crap.

I should have started a new thread directed to you since it was YOUR specific comments I was addressing, not Momma's. Explaining the error of instigating or participating in violence during arguments was never intended to "browbeat" anyone, I mean geez it's just plain old fashioned common sense after all but I can see now how you took it that way. I was not aware that you were in a DV situation yourself. I only had your particular post on this thread and the bolded quotes in mind as I wrote it. Didn't mean to trigger you! I am most certainly not in the habit of browbeating BSs. Sorry it came across that way. {{Orchid}}
*************************

My position against Domestic Violence certainly doesn't need to be defended, Orchid. You took this this personally of course and I'm so sorry because it wasn't meant to be at all.

It was very simply disturbing to hear justification for something that is just plain wrong. This is MB and we are well aware of how to treat each other, we do not tolerate or condone violence or abuse on this forum. Can you see why I found your initial response surprising and why I felt the need to reiterate the neccessity for self-control?

Unfortunately there are way too many people who are uninformed about Domestic Violence in general and your posts led me to believe you were one of those. That's ALL that I was talking about. Hopefully this will clear things up in your mind as to my intent. NO 2 x 4s, NO blame involved Orchid.... not at all. Peace, KB

Orchid, you are oil on troubled water. I love your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
I am a FBS and I thought some were WAY out of order on THAT thread.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What exactly was "WAY out of order" in your mind?

I read disagreeing opinions on the thread you are refering to, but at no time did I think a particular opinion was "way out of order". Some opinions were strong, for sure, but I did not see anything mean or cruel.

So, I am asking you to define what your term "WAY out of order" means to you.

Thanks Bob.

Pep

And Bob.... KY said that what other's think of her is none of her business .... ergo, she no longer needs to feel wounded by what others say, unless she chooses to.

Kudos to KY for reaching that level of self-worth. She needs no protector from harsh posts ... she has her own self-made self-defining boundaries now.

If FWSs stay isolated from outside opinions by restricting themselves to I'Ville .... it says more about their own level of healing ... more than it defines the rest of the board's posters.

Pep

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>