I want some advice and many of you might be qualified if you've been married before. I've known WH since I was 17. We didn't marry until I was 26 by which time I wasn't madly head over heels in love with him but I was ready to make a commitment with him - it felt so comfortable and right.

Initially after his A, I wanted to claim him as my own, physically and mentally, but these emotions waned very quickly and at present, I cannot tell you I want to save my marriage (oops - not very MB I know). I envy all of you folks who "know" they want to stay with their partners and fight for their marriage. It's just not there which is why I had to separate. I believe time sorts many feelings and emotions out but I can't help wondering ...

Is there someone out there who would be better for me. I can't get over the lies, betrayal, deceit (not only to me but to our daughters). Wouldn't a fresh start with someone new be better than the drudgery of recovery. Going over the same crap day after day, churning up those memories ad infinitum. I want to know from people on their second or subsequent marriages, is it better? I am so torn by this. There is no history of divorce in my family, I really took this man on for life, for better or worse, but adultery is so ugly and has changed me. I just don't look at my WH in the same way. Yet I feel so guilty for feeling like this. Why didn't he feel guilty when he was pulling down someone else's knickers?

There are people here whose partners are repeatedly having affairs and are being advised to fight for their marriages. I look at this as a form of abuse - to be forgiven for such a cruel act and then to have that forgiveness thrown in your face. I am very conflicted and want some peace. To me, I think that means to move on but I feel I need permission. TT

TT, I honestly feel that only you can answer this question. For myself, I had an A and my H had two A's. We are finally in the recovery stage and it feels great. Yes, the A stuff is ugly and we both have days that it overwhelms everything else but I have forgiven him and pray for the day he forgives me. Would I want someone else? No, if we d'd I would not want another man in my DD's life until she was up and out of the house. She deserves my full attention until then.

Sorry if this didn't help. {{TT}}

The thought of another man sharing my bed and being a step-dad to my kids is too daunting for words. I'm definitely looking a long way down the line! I would love the thrill of dating.

I suppose it feels like I am waiting for him to see if his new relationship works out. If not then he might come knocking on the door asking my forgiveness and wanting another chance. This is so unacceptable. I really wanted to make a go of things after Dday but he wasn't ready to give her up at that stage. So, what do you do? Sit around hoping they might want you back?

I feel for you, TT. Sometimes, I don't feel very MB myself. Some days, it's almost more than I can bear.

It's been almost a year since your D-day. Have things changed with your WH? Are you moving on or not? I don't know exactly where our M is going. One of the reasons I've stuck with MC is that I don't want to repeat the mistakes I've made. I married young. I enjoy being married. Some people tell me being single is fun. I'm just not ready for it yet. It sounds like you need some transitional time too.

TT, this is my 2nd marriage. Everyone was really surprised my husband would do this so it's not like I just keep picking losers. So could it be different? Sure!!! Will it be different? I dunno, TT...it takes two, right? Look at divorce statistics for 2nd and 3rd marriages--they are staggering.

This is how I look at it. I know I loved my husband once, and that he loved me once as well. Therefore I know it's possible. If it was possible for that loving feeling to change---then it's possible for it to change to loving again.

With that in mind. I know my husband fairly well. I know what he likes for breakfast, I know what things irritate him, I know what things make him smile. I know that he is a very good sexual partner, I know that he is very affectionate.

If I have to start over with someone new..it's not like you go into the relationship already knowing this stuff. You have to learn all about your new partner and you may not find the bad stuff until after you're married again.

To me it's MUCH easier to "start over" with a partner that I already know much about. Yes, there's hurt there that has to be dealt with, but at least I already know a lot about him, and know that I still love him because of/in spite of it all.

I *do* know I want to rebuild my marriage. What I'm not always sure of is if I *should* try to rebuild my marriage. But I do know that I have loved him and do love him, so to me it's worth it to try everything I can, so that I do not live my life with regrets.

I suppose it all just feels so one-sided. If I could see an attempt from him to work on our relationship I might feel differently.

He has a negative aura about him. Very much a 'can't do' person. He said he felt there was no point working things out (months ago) because the trust had gone and it could never been the same. Well, our marriage was not in the best of states beforehand so I said I didn't want things to be the same, I wanted them to be better. He just kept shaking his head like it was such an impossible task.

Oh well, it's Monday morning. Let's see how things fare this week. The girls haven't seen him for more than 2 weeks. He's become a terrible dad - makes me not like him. TT

TT, this is my second marriage, and the thought of starting over scares me, a lot!

I have so many concerns as well. I have seen nothing from my WW at this point, yet something keeps telling me to try. I am on Plan B now so at times I think the end is near.

The thought of starting over does not apeal to me at all. I would like to fix what I have, although it takes two.

Quote by TT....
"The thought of another man sharing my bed and being a step-dad to my kids is too daunting for words. I'm definitely looking a long way down the line! I would love the thrill of dating. "

My feelings exactly!!! You are the only one who knows what is right for you. you have to live with the choices you make. I feel for you...I really do. I wish you the best and hope you make the right choice for you and your family. HUGS!