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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 478
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I have been thinking and thinking...about so many things.

Here we are 3+ years from d-day #3 and it really isn't much better. There is still contention over our EN's, neither of us is gonna give first I guess.

I'm afraid I have reached indifference..don't really care to work on things. I feel like there has been so much damage done I don't know if it is worth salvaging. And that makes it hard for me to do all the "work" of recovery. SH says I need to be the one to basically drag H along, so he will hear what he needs to hear, but I don't want to drag him. I want him to go willingly. I want him to initiate counseling and the homework that goes with it. Right now we are not doing anything with MC and if I don't initiate it we won't.

And I think the reason is that for him, everything is fine. If I didn't need to talk about the R all the time and we just forgot about the past we would be all right. Oh, and if I will meet his #1 need (SF), and forget the past (as in don't deal with it) life would be just hunky dory. But that is not ok with me.

I need to know why "it" happened. Why did he do it? I have been to counseling and on AD meds and done a huge (I think) change. He has only done 2 sessions with SH and like mentioned earlier, it seems like I am doing all the dragging.

Is this a valid need of mine? Is it possible to NEED him to do his own personal work before I can feel safe? I don't feel safe right now. I don't feel protected. I have walls up that won't allow us to grow but I really don't trust him with my feelings and thoughts. And I know he doesn't trust me with his either.

He is at an AA meeting right now. That is as close as he will come to IC I'm afraid. And I don't trust that much...long story short...he has been sober 16 years...active AA for many then slacked off...A #3 was when he resumed going to AA and instead of going to meetings he went to her house...I thought about going in today and checking to see if he is really going to the meeting but I'm sure he is...and if he isn't, well (this is where the indifference comes in), whatever. I can't chase him around forever and always wonder. If he chooses to be dishonest with me again it will have a different outcome (maybe involving a felony <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

So, how do I ask where he is in his own understanding of his actions? I know it is all just stuffed down inside him because it is so painful and he doesn't want to cause me any more pain. He may feel like he is doing the right thing by keeping it to himself. I know that he knows how dangerous that is due to AA and how those situations can lead to relapses. So why would he keep this in?

The A was never made public..I did tell his Mom and his SIL who then told his brother because she was leaving town and was really worried about me.

I have these huge flashback days sometimes and it is so hard to deal with. The other day, I had a flashback of d-day and never told him (he just stares off in space because I think it causes him pain or he will say something like "you are never gonna get over it are you?") I don't tell him anymore about triggers or bad days. So, if I'm having a day like that and he approaches me with SF in mind, I am repulsed. That is a huge cycle I am seeing lately.


How do I go about encouraging him to do IC? Keep in mind that we live in a very small town and local IC probably won't happen-I drove 100 miles for mine-and he will probably say we are too broke for SH and I can't really argue that one. And, anytime I have tried or suggested something (are you depressed?), he gets irritated and says I am just trying to find something wrong with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Any thoughts or ideas??

Joined: Jan 2003
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Joined: Jan 2003
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Joined: Jul 2004
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married, have you been in IC? It appears to me that you may benefit from counseling to help you get through some of this. 3 years is a long time to still be stuck in the same cycles. There is a book my MC recommended called Safe Haven Marriage by Hart and Morris. I have not gotten far into but perhaps it would be a good read for you.


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