I have been married, mostly happily, for 25 yrs. During the last 16 years of this marriage I have had an extramarital affair with a man who is also married. Neither of our partners knows. We care about one another but are not in love... this has primarily been an affair of convenience for each of us, something we both felt we needed. I now feel as if I don't need it anymore, but he says he still does. Now what? Any input?

why are you here at marriage builders...

and the question is not asked as a confrontational challenge...but in the realm...
of what is it you seek at this forum...

for we can only help you with ending the affair..
and to stop engaging in things that bring great pain to others....

that is what we do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

the question is is that what do you want from here...

ARK

Hello,

I just have to comment on what an unbelievably sad and selfish letter you have written. You state you have been in a mostly happy marriage for the past 25 years, yet have been in an affair for the past 16 years as a matter of convenience since you and the OM do not love each other.

How amazingly cruel you have been to your partners. Your marriage has been a lie to your husband. How do you feel on anniversaires when your husband tells you how happy he is to be married to you? You and your OM have humiliated, betrayed and totally disrespected the people that have been committed to you. You must have unblievable contempt for your husband to do what you have done.
How do you think you would feel if your husband had done to you what you have done to him? Why don't you show a little dignity to your husband by telling him the truth and allowing him to decide how he wishes to live his live in the future? Actually I think you and your OM are perfect for each other. You show and continue to show totally contempt for the past 16 years to your spouses who love you and are committed to your marriages. How do either of you look in the mirror without being repulsed by your actions? I would say you both have broken moral compasses but clearly neither one of you apparently had one to begin with. How you can do these things to spouses who provide you with happy marriages is beyond me. How very sad and cruel you and your OM are.

What did this affair give you and why has that now changed? Convenience? How sad.If you are not here to understand how to end the affair, better your marriage and educate yourself on how wrong it was what you and this OM did(I am assuming you are the wife here)then you will not get much sympathy.

We are a Marriage Building site.We will not support or approve of continued poor behavior or choices that fuel Infidelity.

O

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

honestly...
how does ripping someone's head off when they first arrive seeking help.... support anyone ?

you've just answered a question I had in the back of my mind about beating up on WS.

Ridiculous. How many LBs, DJs were in your thread ?

Do you throw those out like habits...or what ??????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DrM:
<strong> I have been married, mostly happily, for 25 yrs. During the last 16 years of this marriage I have had an extramarital affair with a man who is also married. Neither of our partners knows. We care about one another but are not in love... this has primarily been an affair of convenience for each of us, something we both felt we needed. I now feel as if I don't need it anymore, but he says he still does. Now what? Any input? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Doc

You actually NEVER needed it. You FELT like you did. What you NEED is to read thru this website, especially on the sections on Emotional Needs and Love Busters (either that, or buy Dr Harley's books). And then you need to end it. Confess it to your husband - what you've done it not an unforgiveable crime, but it will take a lot of healing. Give your husband some credit - if you love him at all, allow him some honesty for once. And dump the other man now. Anyone who would cheat on their spouse would cheat on you too.

Give all of your love to your husband.

David

Hello DrM
You may want to talk to your Pastor before talking to your husband. And you do need to talk to your husband. You need to confess the affair, or it will not end. You need to have accountability to your husband.

Ensure that you get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and read it with your husband. This will help you understand the A and how it happened. This will also help you with getting back to the basics so that you can rebuild your marriage.