DUH - dumb question, I know, but I have some major questoins that, no matter how I research, I'm not finding any answers my feeble mind can grasp.

It seems to me that the goal of Plan A is 1) to become the person that your WS finds more desireable than the OP. 2) to get the affair to stop as quickly and completely as possible.

Now it seems to me that I began part of plan A in the end of Sept, when I discovered this website, went thru the EN and LB questionaires (I had to guess at what my wife's would be) because I knew that I was not making my wife happy.

I assumed that I had found out at least 2 - 3 major ENs of hers and at lesat my biggest LBs and I immediately started working on them. Not perfectly, of course, but over time, I think I've broken some of my bad habits and replaced them with more thoughtful ones. She even complimented me on one of them yesterday (in one of her moments of clarity).

BUT. My wife went out and had an affair, refuses to discuss it, and for the most part simply goes over the typical list of how I've been the cause of all troubles in the world, and in particular, our relationship.

It's obvious that I'm failing at some point in Plan A - I don't know what about myself I should change. Went to an IC, she informed me that it was my childhoos that I need to deal with - there are unresolved issues (undefined, of course) that I need to be rid of to be happy. This is just not making sense. If anything, I resent a lot of what my wife has done thru the years, but I'm more than willing to think of that as water under the bridge.

What ways do I have to get to what changes SHE needs to see in me? I contacted an MC, which was her initial suggestion, now it appears she is backing off the idea. I'm not trying to change my wife (wish she would, but that's between her and God) - but at some point, I have to be able to hear what she needs.

I am working very hard at simply listening to her, but in the current time frame, pretty much all that comes out is silliness.

I guess this is just another rant.....

David

How long have you been in plan A?

The problem I have found is that plan A can take a very long time. You have to work on you for you, not for the WS.

When you start to see changes in you, the fog you're WS has may not enable them to see them as well.

Plan A does not happen over night, I wish it did, it is a long term plan, as long as you can do it within limits you set. The big thing is to work on you for you. In order for plan A to work you must realy do it, not for a day or two, long term, enough time to let everything set in.

Exposure will hurt you're WS a great deal, so you need time to fill the LB. Be as patiant as you can be, understand the plan and do it as long as you see fit. Nothing happens overnight.

Hi alank -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The problem I have found is that plan A can take a very long time. You have to work on you for you, not for the WS.

Exposure will hurt you're WS a great deal, so you need time to fill the LB. Be as patiant as you can be, understand the plan and do it as long as you see fit. Nothing happens overnight. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, excluding the fact that she just started the affair at the end of December, I've actually been working on myself since September/October. I don't know if Plan A only counts as starting from D-Day, or, as in my case, because I was looking for ways to make my marriage better, it starts when you begin the changes to yourself.

I know the exposure hurts her - hurts me too. I'm prepared to take just about any LB from her (although, if you read any of my other posts, she keeps coming up with surprises) - it's just that while it's all really neat that I can see how I'M changing, it really sucks to have her seeing exactly the opposite. Makes ya want to give up and go back to the way things were. Nah - I really don't want that. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming.

I'm just extremely distressed that she can't see any of it, and, in fact, even thought many changes were already visible in December, she ran to the OM instead.

THAT'S why I asked! What if the improvements I am making make no difference to her? Guess it makes me a better spouse for someone in the future - should that happen - but I want HER, not someone else!

Make sense?

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Just to get this straight....

I'm supposed to do all kinds of things for my wife that will cause her to fall in love with me again, because she had an affair....

Dang I hate Weekends. This may have been the worst day of my life, and there's been noo one around but the kids - and I'm not ABOUT to reveal any of it to them.

This can't keep going on - three years is long enough to be punished for my OWN EA, but now to be treated worse because of HER affair? This is RIDICULOUS. At least I could hate myself for letting her down. Where do I turn now?

For you psych majors/doctors: this is a red flag night. I'm reaching an end of somne sort

hi,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's obvious that I'm failing at some point in Plan A - I don't know what about myself I should change. Went to an IC, she informed me that it was my childhood that I need to deal with - there are unresolved issues (undefined, of course) that I need to be rid of to be happy. This is just not making sense. If anything, I resent a lot of what my wife has done thru the years, but I'm more than willing to think of that as water under the bridge.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of things you can do;

-forgive your wife.

-ask God to search your heart and reveal to you what needs to change,
and to tell you what issues you have that need healing.

-ask him to forgive you for your failings.

He will.

plan A tips and musings

try this on for size....


ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> plan A tips and musings

try this on for size....


ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks - that's what I needed...

Tane,

Plan A is very subtle. It is often described as "planting seeds". They will need care, attention and a while for them to germinate. However, there is a reason that there is also a plan B,because Plan A may plant the seeds but the A doesn't end. The A must end on its own schedule and plan B allows you to weather for a longer period of time the drain on your love bank by the wayward spouse. You set the stage with Plan A, that you are willing to change, you are willing to forgive, you are willing to love, but the WS must then end the A.

Further, plan A does not address other issues in your marriage and from the sound of it, there are other issues. So if the A has not ended AND you are finding less and less to love about your WW, then it may be time to go to plan B.

I do hope that you have exposed the A to her family and others while you are in plan A. The WS hate it, scream about it, threaten because of it, but the A ends much faster in the light of day, thus giving you a better chance to rebuild the marriage.

Your W has her own issues from everything you have written and I do hope she addresses them.

God Bless,

JL

Plan A is difficult because it is frustrating to try and meet the needs of a spouse who won't meet yours in return, who may be reluctant to allow you to meet their needs and who is involved in an extramarital affair.

'Nuther question:

I asked my wife to have no contact with the OM, she informed me that it is virtually impossible, since they are both in the same year at las school, although he is in a different section - they have no classes together.

Felt a little uneasy about that, but I can also see the logistic problems involved - can't exactly remove him from school, and she has worked very hard to get to where she is now.

However, just got the cell phone bill today -went over it. I confronted her about the affair on the 16th. She said she would stop all contact with him then. There are still lots of phone calls and text messages going over the remainder of the bill cycle - only two days after confrontation, soo I don't know if they still are or not, although this morning I checked her phone while she was in the shower - the recent calls record showed one to the OM either last night or this morning.

I'm a little upset about the continued conversation - but am not sure how to bring it up. Last time I 'snooped' on her (when I found the affair) we went thru hell, she just about took the kids and left. I'm still worried about her decision making ability right now - we need to talk about a NC letter, but I also know she could up and move out of the house one night with the kids, etc., while I'm working.

Not really sure how to approach this wisely.....It could just be some really random conversations that are innocent (he turned down her come-on for sex, which was one of the letters I discovered). It could be far worse.

I don't know how to proceed here!