I'm a week into a separated plan A, but have been on the plan since early November. Since Dday he has told me what ENs weren't being met. He sings my praises in all areas (best friend, always love me, great mom, blah blah blah), but I was failing at SF and praise/encouragement (said he didn't even realize he needed "ego stroking" until OW filled the need). I never exhibited any LBs throughout our 10 years together, we never fought, always got along, seemingly "perfect relationship" until the fog rolled in.

While I was plan Aing with WH still in the house, we had SF almost daily and I've been much better at expressing my admiration towards his accomplishments (mostly they were swarted, as he thinks badly of himself in light of his A).

How can I plan A when he's not here for SF, and doesn't think he's worthy of admiration at this point?

-Christine

I'm doing a separated plan A for the moment. I believe I didn't fulfill basically the same needs as you, except for the fact that I also failed in the "domestic support" department, I'm definitely organizationally challenged.

Anyway, I only exposed the A about a week ago, although I knew in my gut it was going on, I had to actually put a voice activated recorder on his phone line to 'prove' it, because he denied it at every turn.

It's definitely a lot more challenging to do a separated plan A, had I found MB before I moved out I wouldn't have ever moved....I didn't know what else to do.

I've been filling as many of his EN's as I can while apart from him.....but it's definitely hard to do, I seduce his butt everytime I get him over here....but getting him here is a problem. He was coming over daily to shower, because his water was shut off at our house....well unbeknownst to me, before the "recording" he was moving....he already rented another house because the house we lived (rented) was being forclosed on, our landlord hadn't been paying the rent.

So now we're in 2 completely separate houses, I'm trying to get the rest of my stuff out when he's there getting his, but the A is still in full swing as far as I can tell. He's still jealous of me, doesn't want me with anyone else, won't give me some of my things because of this fact.....lingerie, stuff he doesn't want me 'wearing for another guy'. I guess that's a good sign.....at least it seems good.

I am going to be going to plan B in the near future, because since I've exposed, and we're separated....I've got to let the A see the light of day so that it can die. I don't care for this, but don't have much choice.

I did get him over here yesterday, for my birthday....and he spent the night. I am hoping that is also a good sign, it feels like it is.

I don't know what else to tell you, except your story sounds alot like mine.

At least your husband is open to filling out the EN questionnaire...I've never even posed that to my WH, I know he'd just think it was stupid, he's not really into the self help thing....so I'm doing this on my own.

On the up side, I do not nag, do not ask questions about him and the OW......therefore there is no need to lie to me anymore...but he'll still need to be lying to her when he comes here. He wants me to come and see his new place once he has it all together, I don't know why he feels the need to impress me, but I'll wait until I am invited.

He generally can't say no to SF, if I'm in his presence....so. I'm in sort of a time crunch to fill those EN's before I go dark.

I don't know if any of this helps you.....but maybe the answer's in there somewhere.

-Caren

Ladies,could I ask you a question as a BS?

My wife refuses to investigate the MB website - she is so into the fog of her A than she hates anything I may bring up.

My question is this: how can I determine which ENs of hers I need to fill the most? I've observed the OM - I know him fairly well, we were friends before this happened - so I know that at least one of the ENs must be that I need to be half my age. All humor aside, though, what ways would work with you - how would you want your husband to ask questions to get answers - maybe even in such as way that you wern't aware of the real reason he was asking.

I've openly appologized to her for not meeting her needs, and asked what I could do to make things better, but she won't help me...

Is there anything I can do?

Thanks, David

Caren,

He never filled out the questionaire, it's what I gathered from our conversations. I've had HN/HN since a week after Dday, he's aware of them but not active in it (hope he will when/if fog lifts).

We did have a "booty-call" Friday night around midnight, but he went back to his sister's afterwards (he's been sleeping on her couch since last Sat. when he left).

I had the book, and knew I should keep him in the house for plan A and while the A dies it's natural death. But, I let my emotions get the best of me that day. At the gym, I saw a girl that was a dead-ringer for OW (19 year old hussie that was our nanny before WH hires her in his office...2 months later A started!!), and I boiled over with all the negative emotions possible. I sent him an e-mail saying how hard it was to deal with and that all contact needed to stop (calls and IM sessions while I was in the house, and sometimes same room) or else he would have to be out of the house. But, I wrote all this without angy words and said we could discuss over the weekend. Instead, he says "I understand" and got a hotel room that night and has been at his sisters since.

I've tried to take it back, but he now feels this is the only way he'll see if he misses me and our life. I don't know what to think. I beleive that contact with OW has decreased significantly, and if my snooping is correct I think she's already put in her 2 weeks notice at their office. Maybe, he needs to mourne this without me in his face. Iknow they all say it, and I'm naive to believe it, but he says he needs this time alone so he can give himself to me the right way.

I hope I am right and the fog hasn't gotten to me as well. Although the odds are way against me.

BTW- how old did you turn?

-Christine

David,

In my case, I simply asked my WH what she offered that I didn't. I was lucky, he's been open enough to answer most questions I ask. I knew that SF had been an issue for us, figured it was an issue for all married couples, I didn't take it seriously enough, unfortunately.

Maybe you should just ask her what she thinks you were lacking?

Good luck to you!!

-Christine

Hi MommyCBaby:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Maybe you should just ask her what she thinks you were lacking?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did. Unfortunately, she says I should already know this...Oh well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Probably should - we've been married long enough. I do know she found him really sexy...like she used to think of me...

David

David,

I'm so sorry!! I'm am too new at this to have any real advice.

Do a shout out to Standing Together, Believer, or Orchid...I've noticed that they always seem to have great advice.

Sorry!!

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> David,

I'm so sorry!! I'm am too new at this to have any real advice.

Do a shout out to Standing Together, Believer, or Orchid...I've noticed that they always seem to have great advice.

Sorry!!

-Christine </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, no problem Christine - I'm grasping at any sort of sanity I can find - I thought maybe you could give me some female intuitive advice that I (being a guy) am missing.

Let me say this - there are guys out there that would pledge their souls to working a happy marriage with a woman - I'm one - so may your dreams come true - you are in my thoughts (and on my prayer list - if that helps)

David

Thanks, David (WH's name too)

Prayers do help, my MIL keeps telling me to give it to GOD. I have faith and all, but I just don't know how to do it.

I wish I did have words of wisdom for you. I can't speak for your WW, but for me some of the top ENs are: communication and affection. Maybe she finds him attractive because he was flatering towards her? Have you tried making her feel beautiful and wanted? Just a thought.

If I come up with anything else, I will let you know. Hang in there, we are not alone!!

-Christine

I'm also doing a separate Plan A. I knew about MB before he left but I just couldn't stand him in the house anymore. Just the sight of him and his smirking face made me want to smack him. And yes, he always smirks, a facial thing he never did before, when he's thinking of OW, aka slimeball.

My WH will probably never fill any ENQ. He says he can talk with slimeball because they're both engineers and work on the same product. Of course, he forgets all the years I worked in the industry and have listened to him talk. Work has overtaken his life so much that he really doesn't have anything else to talk about. Personally, I think slimeball's playing him like a fish and trying to get use him to get ahead.

I keep working on admiration and ego-stoking. It's hard when you have no idea what they want and don't find what they do very admirable.

I'm not a good one for advice.

They definately send mixed messages, that's for sure. Last night I sent a text message to WH (on new cell he just got me a week ago!!!) and offered SF, even though I know he would still sleep at his sisters house. He declined, citing that he didn't want me getting the wrong impression (he likes it but doesn't want me to interprit it as reconciliation......DUH! I am well aware that it's not a promise {like our wedding vows were}). So I texted back that it was ok, but that I admired his intentions. To my surprise, he re-texted and said that he admired my committment and added an "I love you".

I know, I know - I am not getting my hopes up too high. I can crash just as easy. Just thought I would add this anyhow.

-Christine

David - only thing I can tell you is my story -my WH - did not talk to me , only verbally abused me, did not tell me anymore I was beautiful, on said negative things, I missed our friendship, the loving things he had always done for me, bring me a rose ect, hold me -tell me he loved me, just come up and grab me and kiss then go back to what ever, tease me in a loving way, hold me , rub my back without wanting or expecting sex. Treating me with respect, asking me what I would like to do tonight., everything was about what he wanted, help cleaning the house,call during the day ask me if we needed anything at the store on his way home, call me and let me know he was working late -getting home at 8-8:30 at night. Talking to me -the no speaking and turning his back on me out in public was the worst. I used to leave and he didn't even notice, he started to meet me places instead of swinging by the house to pick me up. So many and they went on for 2 years. Just do the things you did when you were dating. and focus your attention on her -woo her David woo her -make her feel young and loved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angeldarling331:
<strong> David - only thing I can tell you is my story -my WH - did not talk to me , only verbally abused me, did not tell me anymore I was beautiful, on said negative things, I missed our friendship, the loving things he had always done for me, bring me a rose ect, hold me -tell me he loved me, just come up and grab me and kiss then go back to what ever, tease me in a loving way, hold me , rub my back without wanting or expecting sex. Treating me with respect, asking me what I would like to do tonight., everything was about what he wanted, help cleaning the house,call during the day ask me if we needed anything at the store on his way home, call me and let me know he was working late -getting home at 8-8:30 at night. Talking to me -the no speaking and turning his back on me out in public was the worst. I used to leave and he didn't even notice, he started to meet me places instead of swinging by the house to pick me up. So many and they went on for 2 years. Just do the things you did when you were dating. and focus your attention on her -woo her David woo her -make her feel young and loved. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much - that's great advice. I hope I haven't come across the way your husband did to you - but I'll bet I did! I'm taking your advice. I love her so much...

David

David,

One thing does stand out, now that I've thought more about it. He feels I lacked passion and enthusiasm (sp?). So, I do agree with Angeldarling...I went back to read letters and cards we sent when we were dating, to refresh myself on our initial attraction to each other. Granted, we didn't have our own children then but even though we had children from prior relationships, we never let that stop us from being passionate and spontaneous....I guess I forgot that over the years.

Recently, I wrote him an explicite poem and left it in the glovebox of his car..along with a pair of my sexiest panties. I just try to do some of the naughty/flirty gestures that drove him wild years ago. Granted, he's still distracted and doesn't react the way I would like, but he hasn't run away.

I'm hoping that consistency will show him that I'm sincere and this is not an act to trick him into staying.

Hope it helps a little.

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> David,

One thing does stand out, now that I've thought more about it. He feels I lacked passion and enthusiasm (sp?). So, I do agree with Angeldarling...I went back to read letters and cards we sent when we were dating, to refresh myself on our initial attraction to each other. Granted, we didn't have our own children then but even though we had children from prior relationships, we never let that stop us from being passionate and spontaneous....I guess I forgot that over the years.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know we've lost that passion - I'm trying to figure out what I have done that's driven it away. Our kids never stopped us at first either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Recently, I wrote him an explicite poem and left it in the glovebox of his car..along with a pair of my sexiest panties. I just try to do some of the naughty/flirty gestures that drove him wild years ago. Granted, he's still distracted and doesn't react the way I would like, but he hasn't run away.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somehow I don't think that would work on my wife - hee hee. It sure would on me! Still, you are helping. I need to find where I started hurting her so that I can 'go back' and make things right. I need to appologize and do things in a totally different way. We used to get along so well...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm hoping that consistency will show him that I'm sincere and this is not an act to trick him into staying.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think consistency may be the key....

David

David,

I didn't think my idea would really work for ya, but maybe spark that kind of thrill.

How about you send her a dozen roses, make 11 red and one in center white, and attach a card that says something like "In every bunch there's one that stands you, to me you are that one"

Sounds corny, but I would love something like that.

Just an idea. Best of luck!!

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> David,

I didn't think my idea would really work for ya, but maybe spark that kind of thrill.

How about you send her a dozen roses, make 11 red and one in center white, and attach a card that says something like "In every bunch there's one that stands you, to me you are that one"

Sounds corny, but I would love something like that.

Just an idea. Best of luck!!

-Christine </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a great idea. I did buy her a big bouquet of roses today - and a movie that she loves - when she gets home tonight they'll be sitting on the coffee table - but I like your idea. I'll wait a couple of weeks and then try that. She would love it too.

David,

I just re-read what I wrote, and I had a typo...

"In every bunch there's one that stands out, to me you are that one"

You go and sweep her off her feet!!

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> David,

I just re-read what I wrote, and I had a typo...

"In every bunch there's one that stands out, to me you are that one"

You go and sweep her off her feet!!

-Christine </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got your point anyway. I can barely type, so don't worry about that....

Another questionfor the ladies:

How can I make an environment where my wife feels safe to talk to me? We havn't had a fight in weeks, although she'd been furious at me for various fog reasons, I've tried to be very kind, understanding, open and approachable - but she still will not say a thing about her affair - and is still being very secretive about things, gone a lot, etc.

Are there things that the typical husband does that I can unlearn? I even gave up foootball for the playoffs to leave the weekends open just to have fun with her and the kids. SO far, I've had fun with the kids.....

Thanks for anything you may be able to add - and I can understand if there isn't any real answer too

Davidiot