I am new to this site and am very thankful I found it. I have been reading posts for the past hour and am amazed at how supportive you all are of each other. I am wondering if there is anybody out there who is involved in an emotionally abusive/disrespectful relationship with their spouse?
I have been married to my husband for 17 months and during that time encountered more problems than I could imagine. I have come to realize that I made a mistake by marrying him. I love him and hate him all at the same time. Is that even possible?
He talks to me like I am a peice of trash and says terrible things to me. Things that he thinks are funny. Things that my father would never say to my mother. When I tell him to stop saying that, that I don't like it, we fight because I "can't take a joke". We've been to counseling, once, and he has swore up and down that he will never go back. He got mad and yelled at the therapist.
This is just the tip of the ice berg, it goes much deeper. The bottom line is that I want OUT! I do not want to be married to this man. I can't stand for him to touch me. I do not want to have children with him. I just don't know where to find the courage to leave him. Or to even TELL him that I want out. The truth is, I am scare of him.
If there is anybody out there who has experienced something similar to this, I would appreciate any comments or advice. And like I said, this is just the tip of the ice berg.......

I'm here scrubs, but I'm about to go to bed. Welcome.

You aren't cheating on him, right?

Why are you afraid of him?

GC

graycloud,
Thank you for the quick reply. No, I am not cheating on him. I am afraid of him because I am convinced he has an anger problem. There have been times that we were out in public, having a perfectly normal day, and something set him off and he just starts screaming at me and accusing me of lying about stuff that we weren't even discussing, stuff that hadn't been brought up in weeks, it just struck him at the moment to get mad at it. We woke up the other morning, were lying in bed having a very plesant conversation about our families, and out of nowhere he yell at me "I am sick and tired of you acting like you are so much *** **** better than me!" Which then evolved into him telling me that he doesn't like any of my friends and doesn't want me hanging around them.
Any advice?

How was he different in the summer of 2003?

My advice is for you to wait for a more brilliant person to post to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I think that if you very clearly communicate your concerns to your husband (men often need this sort of stuff spelled out more clearly than many women realize), and given him every opportunity to join you in this marriage, and he still refuses to make any effort, you are free to leave him.

If he has given you reasons to truly feel unsafe around him, get away from him immediately. Has he ever been physically threatening to you?

Okay scrubs, try to post during the U.S. work day, and you will get more responses. Night.

GC

How is he different from the Summer of 2003......A question I have asked myself a million times. The answer: He's not. I am. I came to realize that I didn't like him when I dated him. I was always looking for a way to break up with him, and when he would get mad at me for breaking it off, I would change my mine, because *gasp* I wouldn't want anybody to be upset with me! I came to realize that he has always had an anger problem, I just overlooked it when we were dating. I came to realize that I didn't HAVE to get married just because somebody asked me. I could of said no. Too bad it took me until now to realize I had that option! Ha!
And yes, it has been physical, once. It was right after we got married. I forgot to get the mail, he pinned me down on the bed, sat on my chest, pinned my arms above my head with his knees, and was slapping me in the face, laughing, saying "how do you like that?" I started screaming for help, praying that one of the neigbors could hear me (we live out in the country). He finally stopped, got this really scared look on his face, and said "You're going to cause me to loose my job, aren't you?"
Nothing physical has happened since then. I can hold my own against him physically, it's emotionally and verbally that I can't stand up to him.
WHAT? 0130 is not a US work day? Ha ha! I work nights, so I am wired and ready to go right about now!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scrubs:
<strong> How is he different from the Summer of 2003......A question I have asked myself a million times. The answer: He's not. I am. I came to realize that I didn't like him when I dated him. I was always looking for a way to break up with him, and when he would get mad at me for breaking it off, I would change my mine, because *gasp* I wouldn't want anybody to be upset with me! I came to realize that he has always had an anger problem, I just overlooked it when we were dating. I came to realize that I didn't HAVE to get married just because somebody asked me. I could of said no. Too bad it took me until now to realize I had that option! Ha!
And yes, it has been physical, once. It was right after we got married. I forgot to get the mail, he pinned me down on the bed, sat on my chest, pinned my arms above my head with his knees, and was slapping me in the face, laughing, saying "how do you like that?" I started screaming for help, praying that one of the neigbors could hear me (we live out in the country). He finally stopped, got this really scared look on his face, and said "You're going to cause me to loose my job, aren't you?"
Nothing physical has happened since then. I can hold my own against him physically, it's emotionally and verbally that I can't stand up to him.
WHAT? 0130 is not a US work day? Ha ha! I work nights, so I am wired and ready to go right about now! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baby, time to leave NOW. I take it from your name that you work in some sort of heath care profession. I do to. I wok nights, found out that ny wife was f****ng some jerk during my night shifts,. My advic: seek security first, followed by recovery. You have my email addy. This is not a pick up - my job at the hospital is in protection of victims and recovery afterwards. I work 1900 - 0530, I live your shift.Post here, get away from danger. There are guys out there that would carefor you.

David

Thank you. What kind of work do you do? I am an ER nurse and the most bizarre thing is, if some girl were to come in my ER and tell me all the stuff I have posted here, I would tell her "Honey, get away from this man now!" Yet, I can't seem to take my own advice. The problem is not making the decision that I don't want to be married to him, I made that a long time ago. The problem is finding a way to leave. First of all, it's my house. I own it. I'm not leaving. Second of all, I don't want to be the bad person.
I hope I have not misrepresented myself in my posts. Things are not bad all of the time, just occasionally. We have had a great weekend. Got along perfectly. I was starting to think to myself a couple of hours ago "Maybe he really has changed and we can make this work" when the phone rang and it was him (He works nights also) and we are talking about work and how he amy get to come home early because he's pulled a double today and he says something to me that is totally rude and disrespectful (I will spare you the details. Being in the medical profession, I'm pretty sure nothing will shock you, but I don't want to shock other members of this site). So I told him that what he said was tacky and he shouldn't talk to his wife like that and how it shows disrespect for me as a woman, and he got mad at me for not thinking it was funny? What's the deal with that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scrubs:
<strong> Thank you. What kind of work do you do? I am an ER nurse and the most bizarre thing is, if some girl were to come in my ER and tell me all the stuff I have posted here, I would tell her "Honey, get away from this man now!" Yet, I can't seem to take my own advice. The problem is not making the decision that I don't want to be married to him, I made that a long time ago. The problem is finding a way to leave. First of all, it's my house. I own it. I'm not leaving. Second of all, I don't want to be the bad person.
I hope I have not misrepresented myself in my posts. Things are not bad all of the time, just occasionally. We have had a great weekend. Got along perfectly. I was starting to think to myself a couple of hours ago "Maybe he really has changed and we can make this work" when the phone rang and it was him (He works nights also) and we are talking about work and how he amy get to come home early because he's pulled a double today and he says something to me that is totally rude and disrespectful (I will spare you the detais. Being in the medical profession, I'm pretty sure nothing will shock you, but I don't want to shock other members of this site). So I told him that what he said was tacky and he shouldn't talk to his wife like that and how it shows disrespect for me as a woman, and he got mad at me for not thinking it was funny? What's the deal with that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL! I work in ER too -- reception anbd triage depeding on need - could empathize on a level. Hon, I;m not the bext in advice but I can say this; the advice you give to your patient -it'the samw for ytou. Protect yoursekf first......

David

Hi scrubs,

Welcome to MB. Has he ever been evaluated for any type of emotional disorders? I don't mean to alarm you but certain traits you mention seems to point to some disorders that c/b serious. Do you know his family's history?

Recommend you get into some good IC/MC support. Steve here @ MB does phone counseling.

Please read the book: His Needs/Her Needs.....it helps us see how to communicate with our mates.....

In regards to your domestic violence issues, there are evident signs of it from what you posted. You may not be the meanie but may be described as one. R U willing to get him help?

You need to make sure you protect yourself as well. DV is dangerous. If you work in an ER setting, you may see the hazardous results. There is another ER person who posts here.....lemonman.

I understand how hard it c/b not wanting to leave but he needs to get help more than you need the abuse. Remember that.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.