Well WH is here, came in this early am to get the kids off to school. I literally spent more time talking to the Lord last night than I can remember, on my knees sobbing, looking for direction. I often feel that He believes I can handle so much more than I have ever felt worthy. I was adopted, and placed with a father who physically and emotionally abused me and a mother who is emotionally distant, and who I have literally had to raise! I was a parent to them both at the ripe old age of 8!

Anyway, feeling eerily peaceful this AM. WH notices, wants to know what I have decided?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I told him "I don't know" (very, very true) and I go back to sleep. He apparently passes out on couch cause when I get up he is still here. As soon as I get up he wants me to sit down and talk to him, asking again what I decided, what did I find in response to my prayers. Actually, I think this is just it (didn't tell him that of course!) to be peaceful and wait on Him.

I left him out there (in the living room), we were just sitting in silence after awhile and I do not see the point. He did tell me he thinks he had the A cause he wanted a woman he could be in charge of, someone who needed him and who he could take care of. Lots of truth there, I know, but he hasn't learned from anyone (not his bipolar, suicidal, sexually abusive mother or his distant, sexually abusive father who had a yen for incest porn). He never learned what it meant to be a man and how to lead a family. Especially not a Christian man!

I am praying, at this point, that if it be the Lord's Will, that WH checks out Promise Keepers. I saw in the church program that they meet Wed @ 6am. He needs to be around other men of God to help show him what it means to be a "Christian man".

Am I grasping? Am I on the right course? I am just not willing to settle at this point, feel like he hasn't "seen the light" yet. Remember, this is his second A, and we had made alot (ok, obviuosly not) progress towards healing before. I am not lying down to be a doormat anymore, but I am also not yet willing to turn over my life, finaces and more to a man who has not even begun to understand what he needs to do to be what I need.

OK, he is gone now. He came into the BR a couple of times, wanting to know if I wanted to "talk". Told him I had nothing new to say, which is true.

He lays here and said he was depressed (you should be). "I guess I oughta go buy groceries" (well, yeah, if you intend to eat), "I guess I oughta go to the laundry and wash my sheets" (well, yeah, if you don't want to run out)- he's a massage therpaist and I have always washed his sheets! "I am laying here soaking up the comfort of my old home" (yep, sucks that you had to go and screw it up!) "This really sucks!" (yes, it really does) "you deserve as man who will take care of you and give you what you want" yes, I do... know anyone?) "Guess I need to go out and grow up" (yes, and let me know when you do!)

How am I doing Orchid? Getting kinda good at this babble thing.

He calls back 5 minutes later "just to let me know" that he is not running away form me (oh really?!) and that he needs to keep moving, cause laying around the house is making him more depressed. Duh! He says "this used to be my home"... what a sad,sad man. He is supposedly seeing the pastor today, I hope he does.

He became suicidal last time... I worry about that a little. BUT, I told him I was done raising him and if he wasn't ready to grow-up yet, than he needed to go out there and find out why. How am I doing? Really, I don't bite! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Momma,

I think you are doing fine. Your WS seems like a people person (looking at his profession) but finds communication with family memeber (esp W) difficult. Am I close? Mine was the same way and stubborn about it also. I learned that the more I did for him, the more he heaped upon me. Sometimes I felt he would deliberately make a mess so I could keep busy. That's crazy....but it happened.

My H is a people person also but not with his family. He came from a very dysfunctional family which he backed up to the hilt for years. Made excuses for them and himself. I was one of the in-laws who didn't stand for that and the exposure (need to keep even the most trival things a BIG SECRET), went out the window after we married. So now the family is working through their dyfunctions and we are down to only 3 drama queens (family has 10 children + chaotic MIL.). Whew..... anyway..... I found the book: His Needs/Her Needs t/b quite helpful. I used reverse babble (that's what I like to call it) as a tool to do just as you did above.

See it appears your mind and heart are in sync. You hurt for your H but will not put up with the WS shinanigans. Notice how often he seems to want to draw you in. It does get easier to handle but the roller coaster ride will make you want to give up at times. You may get down times where you really miss your H. When that happens, let him know (as long as you are in plan A). I told my WS that I wanted to see my H and to please go find him. That I would have asked anyone else to find H but couldn't....only the WS knew where he was. I talked about H as a 3rd person in front of the WS because I actually saw 2 different characteristics. Scary but true. It worked.....WS cried said he wanted to find H also. That was a turning point for him. OW didn't want my H (he was too good for her).....she lusted for a WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So when I interacted with him, I'd ask to speak to my H. If he acted like the WS, I'd cut it short. If he acted like my H, I treated him appropriately.

No 2x4 from me. I think you handled it well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Yes, on many counts.

WH is a people person, and he is drawn to females more. He was the younger brother to two sisters (one only 13 months older) and he has always related to W better. Not usaully a problem. As I have said, major family dysfunction on both sides, and in a way I have impacted that somewhat. Used to be that they would fight and not speak for months, years amongst themselves. Reached a point where I would no longer particiapte, esp after DD & DS came along (DD, 4, was along much later). Not fair to kids to not see their cousins cause their parents never learned it was ok to disagree and still love each other.

He is back (AGAIN!) passed out on our bed. Took a muscle relaxer, came over to talk and fell asleep. I asked him why he was here, he said "cause I have no other place to go". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Not sure what to do wiht that one. Is it my problem? NO. Do I care? Yes.

He asked if I wanted him to move back in. I said "I don't know", very true. I want him to get help, to be healed. To give his life over(fully) to the Lord and yeild to His Will. I want him to be a man, he says "I don't know how" (also very true). I told himI could not teach him to be a man.

This tough love thing seems to be working, but it is hard. Even if he says all the right words I am not sure what to believe. Trying to let it work out in God's Will and time, but not sure where I am supposed to jump in and say "come home". I did tell him he needs to foormulate a plan to do something to support his family, even if it involves returning to school. I refuse to do this for him though, that would be the "old me".

He is wearing me out. Hell, he is around here more now than he was when he was living here!! Geez, this really does suck!!