For whoever knows my story.....

I plan B'd WH on Dec. 16 2004 because I intercepted a message from OW. It was obvious that they had never ended contact.

WH moved back home Dec. 24. He told me he had never seen OW during that time, that he had only talked to her on the phone.

Today, some of his credit card bills came in. Seems WH was a very busy man during that week away.

He has many charges for dinner, etc., and not just for one person. He also has charges for the liquor store, and one from Lover's Package (you know, the adult toy store).

My question is this.....do I confront him with this information that I have?

I am soooooooooo F'ing tired of being lied to. WH seems to be an honest man, with everyone but me.

K

Sorry that I only seem to post when in crisis...I have no one else to talk to about this.

I would confront him and go back into plan B.

K..

Remember way back..when you had just started into plan B..and you were feeling so strong..and then H gave you the magic words and you let him back in..

Do you remember the outcry? Do you remember being told it is too soon..it is only words?

Do you remember pretty much asking the naysayers to hold their respective tongues because you wanted to give him his shot?

Well..I held mine. Would you like my opinion now, or do you already know what to do and have lost that newfound strength because of exposure to WH? Has the chaos returned?

What are you asking for..and what are you willing to do?

Noodle

I guess I'm asking for you to let me have it....

Not really, I'm still strong.

My confusion over this is that it is all stuff from when I kicked him out...he was not here.

I know what you all said to me. I think you are all right. I know that I let him back too soon. He does talk a pretty picture.

I think I just want to know how to bring this up....because bring it up I will!

So, go ahead.... LET ME HAVE IT!!!!!

K72171,

I would echo noodle's comments.

Confrontation over what your husband did is like pointing out someone in the elevator farted. No need to be vocal about the obvious.

Maybe you don't need "it"?

You already know..essentially anyway..what to do.

He is in breech of contract..and worse..this is false recovery...3? 4?

So..it's time to up the ante, I really think.

K..he should be out of that house right now, tonight, with no confrontation and no warning.

Then, if he changes his tune..he doesn't come right home..he [and you] work toward a true recovery over a long [probably years..he needs to regain your trust] period of time.

Remember, actions!..Consistency! No more "magic words" or "changes of heart"..remember it changes back just as easily.

He can demonstrate his "open book" from afar.

Transfer the load to his shoulders..and if he refuses to carry it..then that is his honest choice..even if he is too weak to claim it as such.

I wish I had better or more consoling news for you..but he has shown his colors very clearly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What is your plan?

Noodle

K, Whether you should plan B or not I don't know. Others here are better versed in Plan B. If he was definitely screwing around now I would tell you do it pronto. I do have a question for you? Why are you even asking us if you should talk to him about those charges? K, what are you afraid of?

Last week my H reverted back to some old behavior because he was hurt. He withdrew from me which triggered me right back to where I was at during the A. I asked him not to do it and he did it anyway. It put me in a very bad place. I told myself I was not going to reach out to this man. Then after several days went by I realized that the only person I was huting was me. My H has a gift that if he wants to disconnect he can last much longer than I can. So I wrote him a 6 page letter spelling a lot of things out. We then talked about it Saturday. Bottom line, I am not going to live like that again. I will not allow him to withdraw from me like he did during the A. And if he keeps choosing that path, then I guess I need to choose to leave. That is something that is very clear to me. He held all the card during the A. That ain't gonna happen again!

So I'm asking you, do you want to talk to your H about the charges? Do you want to talk to him about his lies? If you do, then do it. Don't let him squirm his way out of it. If he continues lying, avoiding, deflecting, then you do have choices. He doesn't have to hold all the cards to your M. JMHO! CV

Hi CV.....

I don't think WH is screwing around now. He's actually been pretty good most of the time.

I do want to talk to him about the charges, but mostly the lies.

I know that if he talks around it like he usually does, I will let him know that he either is honest with me about everything now, or we are finished.

I am not afraid to go there.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if he made all of these charges while he was kicked out, do I really have any real say in the matter?

What I really hate is all the lies. I have come to hate a liar worse than anything.

K

confront him, telling simply that you're dissappointed. no comment, accusations, explanations etc - simply that you're sad and dissappointed. then shut the door and keep on focusing on YOURSELF. plan B is not only about focusing on you pain & relationship with soon-to-be-ex - but it's about getting a LIFE.

I would photo copy the bill and save for my records -just in case.

K
the issue is NOT whether he had contact with OP ...

assumption during plan B is that he did...

the issue is that he is home...
and for you to let him...
you expected complete honesty and disclosure...
so that if you question him about behavior prior to this recent proclamation of him wanting full recovery and understanding what he needs to do to be and stay home...and that was made painfully clear to him....

then the issue is NOT his actions...
the issue is his HONESTY about those actions...

if you are saying that you have asked him what happened between the dates of blank and blank...and he chooses today..this minute to lie about them...

then THAT is the ISSUE
THAT is the problem...

and the real question what is YOUR boundary on his lying....

do I have this right...
or am I in a fog....???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

ark^^....

You have this exactly right. The whole issue here is his honesty.

If he can't be honest with me now, then we really have nothing to talk about. That's my whole take on the situation.

I am not afraid to confront him. I am not afraid of his reaction.

The only thing I am afraid of is that he is either unwilling, or, out of long habit, he cannot be honest with me.

If either of those are true, then, like I said, I have no problem calling it quits.

You're right on the money! Or should we say....CREDIT CARD?

K

Oh, and FYI....

I have copies of this credit card bill and many others from the past six months. Also cell phone bills.

I have a LOT of stuff in a safe place.

I have "upped the ante", as noodle says.

And I know that if he would unburden himself of the lies, deceit, and secrets of his A, that hole he is in would be filled up, and he could then crawl out, and be the real, honest man he used to be.

I am strong. I do not feel the chaos.

K