I have been here for some time and my situation really hasnt changed much in about 2years. WH wants to sit down tonight and hash everything out and make a decision whether we are going to work on our marriage or part ways for good.

WH told me for the first time this weekend he put himself in my shoes. We were apart all weekend-me and kids home alone during a snowstorm and him at his friends house. He said he sat and just imagined what I was feeling and it made him sick. He also said he has listened to what I have said to him about how this all makes me feel, but believes he has not heard me.

The advice I need to know is WH wants me to put all my cards on the table...lay everything out for him. Wants me to tell him everything I have felt for the past 2 years. (I Have many times but I really dont think he heard.). He also told me he would answer any questions about both OWs and their relationships. I guess I am asking if it is possible to put everything out there without LBing. I dont know..I am a very emotional person and right now I have alot of anger about alot of different things. This talk is going to happen in about 3 hours and I need all the support I can get. Yes, I still want my marriage, but I refuse to continue to live this way anymore and he knows it.

He also stated that after our talk if we feel "this is not to far gone, then he will work on our marriage with me setting all the ground rules." He said he can not continue to live this.

Help!!! How should I approach this? Do I tell him how this has affected every aspect of my being and then break it down into specific areas? I dont want to rant and rave at him..he runs away. Help!

Lisa

No help here hon...no clue....just a ^bump^

Oh wow, what a great opportunity. But what a scary one too!!!

How about you keep a piece of paper with you and write things down as you think of them, and when you talk to your H, your read from this list? You can do it without being too robotic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And it will help you to remain a little detached.

The best way to say things without LB'ing would be to say, "I felt XXXXX when you XXXXXX". He can't argue with how you FELT. You don't say "You made me angry when you XXXX" Because he didn't MAKE you feel anything. You simply say how you felt. Over on save your marriage central there is a great list of "feeling" words. As you write stuff down, you might want to think of how you'll phrase it to your h and write that down too so you don't forget.

If it's true, I would tell him how at times you felt love, at times you felt hate, at time you were desperate, etc. I would tell him if it's true that you loved him through all of it, and at times were very hopeful and at times you lost all hope.

Be honest...your husband is asking you to be and you've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain!!!

Thanks Aislinn,

Thanks for the response..Yes I think I will write down specific feelings I have to specific areas of my life. So many things have happened that have made me feel so worthless and so disposable. His actions over the past 2 years have rocked me so much I believe if I was gone tomorrow no one would even notice.

Gonna start writing some stuff down.

Thanks

If I may interject -

Don't focus too much on your own pain. It sounds like there is a break in the fog. If you talk only about your pain he may fog up again. Acknowledge the pain, and answer any questions he asks. Talk about the future. He wants to know what you want?

Write it down. Give it to him. (after you talk)

1. No contact ever of any kind with letter written.

2. Total honesty about everything from now on.

3. A promise to commit to the marriage and to get counseling to help you both.

4. Tell him you want to be courted again. You want to give him the opportunity to get to know you again. Let him wine and dine you - make you feel special. Explain to him that you need this, as for the last (2?) years you have lost your image of yourself as a desirable person.

Tell him that these things above (and any other MB principles that you want to list) are necessary for you to be a couple again.

Although there may be a hole in the fog, his life is still "All about him", not you. That will take time.

I'm sure others will give you better advice than me. Start now writing down a list of things to say and how you want to say them. Don't focus too much on your personal hurt. Talk about the future. Now's your chance.

ps. Dress up a little. Sparkle a little. Fresh makeup, fresh perfume. Make a great impression.

Actually, starz has a good point.

I wouldn't ignore how you felt, after all, your husband asked you. But I also think it's important to focus on conditions like starz mentioned (NC, radical honesty), and also things like how you see the future. If you think it's possible to forgive me once you know the whole truth, tell him. If you think it's possible for you to have a better marriage than you ever have, then tell him and make sure to explain why (MB principals).

but I'd still write down all your feelings. Then you can go through and either combine or look at the ones that you feel you really have to talk about.

Just a warning about "all about him"..that is so true. My husband told me he was GLAD I had R talks with him...that he wanted to know how I felt. But as soon as I really believed him and started having R talks with him again, he started withdrawing and detaching. So be true to yourself, but keep what starz said in mind.

Starz,

Thanks for the response. It seems WH needs me to spell this out for him. He has numerous times admitted he just doesnt get it and our stagnant situation is all his fault. I really dont want to relive all these terrible feelings I have had the past 2 years but it almost seems like by the way he is talking he needs to hear it again.

I am crying right now..better go fix the hair and face.

Lisa,

May God Bless You tonight. I pray that he will give you the strength and courage you will need.

First make sure that you want to work on your marriage. And make sure your WH wants the same thing. It is not to far gone if you guys are willing to talk.

It is not going to be easy. It is going to be a long and hard road to take but that is when we learn the most about ourselves. You've already come a long way (2 yrs.).

When you talk to him make sure not to accuse him of anything. Tell him what you need out of the relationship. Try your hardest not to argue. Confess to anything you might have done wrong.

Don't talk to him about how this has affected you unless you haven't told him before. What you need to concentrate on is what needs to be fixed in the relationship and see if you can compromise on those things.

In my opinion I don't think you should talk about the OW or their relationships. This is about you and him now. You need to start to move on from that or you will never be able to work this out. Pray whenever thoughts of the OW come to mind.

HAVE FAITH

"In the same way, because He knows we are fearful, the Lord continues to exhort and encourage us to press through what lies before us to do His will. Why? Because He knows that great blessings await us."

^bump

Did you have "the talk" last night or is it yet to come? We'd love to hear an update! Or at least I would <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

aislinn,

Thanks for your concern...no we did not have our talk last nite. We have re-scheduled it for tonight..so we will see.

I am still so confused...I guess I just need to grab control of my emotions. It is so hard because this has been going on for so long and so much has happened that I just want to yell at him as much and as loud as possible.

L

{{{{{{{{{{{{{BUMP}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lisa,

Where are you? Right now you need a solid plan. He is asking you to identify your boundaries for a safe and happy family. He is good to do this. Follow through is another story but from what you post, it sounds positive. Write down your boundaries....only keep the real important ones....not all the details... it c/b overwhelming. Let him know the details will come later.

I am asking where you are for 2 reasons:

1. At the end of your discussion give him the book: His Needs/Her Needs. Let him read it. Then tell him Surviving an Affair along with phone counseling with Steve is also a requirement. Steve will really help both of you with a plan.

2. If this message isn't too late, I w/b willing to talk with you over the phone to give immediate support. But you should continue posting here. The offer is up to you. My e-mail addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com. Post on here if you want to talk, send an e-mail and I will give you my home#.

I know you are scared but it does sound positive. YOu do need t/b prepared for the worst though. Some WS' are real good actors. Hope your H isn't one of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Thank you so much for the offer. I will be e-mailing u shortly..

L

u got mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Lisa, I'm glad you have Orchid to talk with.

If you feel up to it, please update us later on tonight or sometime tomorrow. This is going to be quite draining, I think, whether the conversation is a good one or a bad one. Don't make any rash internal decisions during/after your talk as you may not be in the right head-space to do so.

Once you're alone after your talk, you may want to write down the pts in the conversation, whether they seem important at the time or not. Grin..I dont mean so you can give us an accurate update--but it might help you to be able to review later on. Also right down your feelings during the conversation, and maybe your impression of his reactions.

I wish you all the best tonight.

Orchid,

Thank you for your time and help and insight...

Lisa-

Did you have the talk??? How'd it go????

C'mon, I'm dying over here....LOL

-Caren

CarenMc,

Thank you so much for your concern. Yes we did have a talk last nite and then again some this morning.

Right now I am still digesting and trying to get my thoughts together to post. Also I have some work that need to be done for my business so I will post later today. Once again thanks

L