Well the night was going so well!

I am feeling so hollow, so empty. WH asked to move back in, he called OW and laid it out in black and white that it was over (didn't exactly slam the door the other day, but I already knew that). He was wanting MC & IC and more to learn, to grow, to change. We have talked for hours, things were going really well.

We kissed, it got passionate and one thing lead to another. It was very intense, and very brief. I was left feeling more empty than fulfilled. He ended up rolling over and going to sleep! Said his back was bothering him and he was supposed to take pain medication before he did such things!!! We have not had sex since he started on pain medicine.. that would be the OW!

I tell him to go sleep on the couch and he gets totally pissed, gets dressed and leaves... guess who he calls the moment he heads out?! WTH?! He came back, cursing and carrying on. (she didn't answer, BTW) Says that nothing has changed, his only "crime" was falling asleep!?!?!? He was livid, I remained calm trying to be peaceful. He stormed off to the couch.

Then I lose it. Wailing, tears rolling, sobs racking my body. He comes back in for a few minutes, tells me to calm down before he has to slap me (not threatening violence, but when his M had her breakdowns the only thing to stop her was for his F to slap her). Tells me to lay down and we'll talk in the morning. I cannot hold it in, it just keeps coming in waves. I feel dejected, sad, used, foolish. After talking to him, briefly, I read FH's post and then pull out my bible. Turn right to Proverbs about adultery! Read WH a brief passage (he was still awake) and came back in here.

What the *&%$ is wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? I should have never been that near him, it happened so quick! Lord only knows what I have opened myself up to. I want to believe him, that he wants to change and grow. Should I allow him to do that here? Back at the trailer every night? I feel so lost!! I have been praying like crazy, but am very confused.

Momma, these things take time. Not all steps w/b forward. His need to call the OW when you got upset, is very telling. Think he is really ready to move back?

When the WS called from OW's house begging to come home with the OW saying "L take him back". LOL!!! I had to laugh.... right you think I want him back like that? I told him to stay. He said he couldn't I said he should..... it went on for a while and well I let him come back..... waaay to quickly even then. As a result, false recovery ensued, several times. Too many for me. But pulling plan B out and enforcing it was a safety net for me.

I loved my H but not the WS. All that other emotional needs stuff didn't work if I didn't feel safe. Once I realized that, then I could heal.....see when the WS comes back, it is the BS that needs to take time to heal. When the WS is out there, the BS focus' on helping or attempting to help the WS see the error of his/her ways. That is futile until the WS decides to come back..... right now where do you think your H is?

WS, xWS or H?

L.

Not sure where he is cause not even sure where I am anymore. I am very depressed, not sleeping, eating or anything, Feeling like a shell and I HATE IT! This is so not me.

After he got up and left in anger this AM, I pulled out Plan B. Sent him an email, setting him free. He immediately responds that he doesn't know if he wants that (to be away from me) and swears it's over w her. But, says he needs time to think and figure out what he wants, very, very true.

He calls me and I say I need time to think, he calls back two seconds later... I still need time to think! He is not used to me beign so persistent at keep him away.

As I started to write this, says he needs to come by. When I asked him "why" he said cause his good shoes are here, and he wants to talk to me?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am so worn out, this is too much. Not sure if I can do this again!!!

BTW, OW told me last night on the phone that I had "won", that "you can have him" like she ever had a claim to him!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Where does she get off? She is not going away, I can just feel it! I told him this about the last OW and I was dead on. She got vindictive and he lost his office, many clients and a solid reputation.

Well he came back over briefly, knelt at me feet and said he wanted to heal, what ever that may mean. His words: "whatever that means". He wants
us to sit down with the kids tonight and tell them this. That we are working on healing, trying to get better for us all. Not saying committing to M, is that enough???

H says the same thing, we didn't get here overnight, it isn't gonna be fixed in a day. I agree, but I hate it when he makes sense (ducking the 2x4!). We have a MC appt tomorrow, says he wants to go "together, not separately"... think that is his way of saying he has some speck of hope.

I have got to pull it togehter, have got to go back to work by Thurs, Sat at the latest. I have a good job and a patient boss, but I missed so much work with his heart arrythmia & heart cath in Oct and his back pain in Dec-Jan, and now this...

And I want him to quit the gym & his massage business. I want him to let go of his business that consumes so much of his time and clears less than $200 a week to show for it... yet his phone has been ringing off the hook today!!! I get His msg at the moment, but I feel like a toddler stomping my feet and saying, "no, no, no"! Did I mention I was PMS'ing on top of it all? (sorry guys, it is what it is)

WH mentioned real estate school last night, but I know that would take time, too. He could do it, great people peson, awesome personality. My M has her license and has closed like 2 properties in the last three months. It almost seems like we would we would be trading one trouble for another.

Trying to pray, trying to wait on Him. H has appt with the pastor tomorrow. God help me through this. Will take any prayers you all have to offer, I am very much struggling. Guess this is where He tears me down so I can be closer to Him. I'm a mess.....

Dear Momma,

He seems to be heading in the right direction and it c/b because he is coming out of the fog &/or because the OW pressured past some invisible point (one the BS can't see). If it is the later, expect more from your psycho OW.

How did it come about that she spoke with you? The OW in my case told me I won the WS also. I told her that this was not a contest and right now there were no winners. Also I was not even a contestant. LOL!!! What a nut for her to think I would even play her stupid game. I didn't want a WS back. I wanted my H back and as long as he acted as a WS, he was out the door. I enacted plan B several times as a result.

Go the MC. Sit back and see how convincing he is to the MC. My hunch is that your WS thinks he can just waltz back into your lives as if nothing happened with no consquences or not much. If he is a sales guy, he may figure he can smooze his way back into your good graces. If so, be wary.

He has to earn your trust. You are very frustrated rigth now. Between your PMS and the BS grieving stages you need to stay focused and balanced so that you give him reasonable expectations.

How well do you know the OW?

L.

I called OW last night... dumb, I guess, but it felt so good! WH called her after she text msg him again about a CD *after* he "put her on hold" (his original attempt to dump her!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . He called her and told her it was over, done, not gonna be. She called back twice, he was so nice, gentle, asking was she clear on what he was saying, not mean or vicious like he's been to me. It peeved me beyond belief. I called her and told her to stop calling MY H! I hate her for this. She knew my kids, she had met me, she pursued him anyway. (***NOT excusing WH's role in this, trust me, but they were BOTH guilty of this sin) She has already D once, was already dating (and recently pg by) another married man and yet she thought that WH was another good conquest. She IS playing a game, I see it very clearly. I called her a whore, he yelled at me and then she hung up.

She called back to tell him she was changing her schedule so he wouldn't have to leave his office... so altruistic of her. She will only work weekends, take some time off so that they can be apart. Knows how important his business is to him and doesn't want him to have to leave because of her, blah, blah, blah!! Yep, she is still working it here, trust me!!! %&$#*@@*&% <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I get so furious just thinking about it, WH now says he realized in last MC session that he did not "love" OW. MC asked him if he was leaving us for her, and he said he wanted a D. According to him he immediately felt wrong wiht it all, knew it wasn't right, had already told her he was not leaving his family for her. Says she made him feel important and needed, he says she never had anyone as "good" as him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This is where I am stuck right now... I am in a limbo with this, can't forgive it, can't let it go, just eating at me waiting for her to make her next move!

Can you call Steve and setup an appt for you? If your H w/b willing to join you, I believe you will have great support from Steve and good direction. Steve is understanding and progressive. He gets a lot done in a relatively short period of time.....but you pay for it (not cheap) but worth every penny.

Think about it. He is highly recommended. Talked to him before when the WS had his head up his.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

L.

Well he might be good, but I simply cannot afford it right now. I just paid a bunch of bills yesterday to cover myself, including my mortgage.

WH called to "check in". I can't barely speak to him right now. Not sure if I can do this. Going to our MC tomorrow. What amazes me, is after going through 4 MC last time and never being happy with any, we both really like this one. She is tough, no nonsense, but true to the biblical ways. Our pastor friend sent us to her, and it is a good fit (I think so at least, and he tends to be responsive to her).

This really, really sucks! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Then you have a plan and a good MC to work with.

Read His Needs/Her Needs. It is good about how to communicate.

All the best,
L.

I have it, bought it & read it after the last A. Pulled it back out last night. Just finished reading "Love Must be Tough" so guess I will go through HN/HN again. We had strated to work through it togehter before....

Also trying to do though I don't feel like moving...washing the sheets, cleaned the kitchen. Going to take a shower soon (had one everyday, and I am proud of that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) Managed a half can of soup and then took a nap earlier. It is by the grace of God that I am this functional.

I guess I do have a plan, but I am very much not in control here and I think this is why I am so depressed. I am used to being in control, at least I felt some comfort in that.

Well that has helped in a way you mat not realize. I am truly struggling.

WH came over this evening. I have been very depressed. Wants to take me out to breakfast in the morn. and wants us to spend time together tomorrow. Also have MC appt in the afternoon. Says I need to get out of the house. In my defense I was out of bed most of the day, washed laundry, folded a ton of it, cleaned the kitchen, picked up my bedroom, and even cooked supper and showered. That is a good day as far as I can tell. Also haven't thrown up once today.

Still, he yanks my chain! Says "well at least I didn't post a personal ad this time" (he did this after last A, I was livid when I found it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )Says that OW walked passed his office today and glared at him, he thinks she is mad at him!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Comes in this evening and sits down with the kids, tells them that he knows things are different and he is sorry, but "we" are working on healing. Says he is going to work to be a better Daddy and that we are still a family. Says that he wants us all to go to dinner next Monday (his b-day). Says he will be here every morning and every evening... just not sleeping here. Says he did a bad thing, and he is very sorry for that, it was very wrong but it is over now. The older 2 didn't say much.

In fact, DD, 13 is obviously depressed. Crying alot, sleeping after school, had to drag her outta bed to eat supper. It is killing me! They are seeing right through him...sounds like a bunch of babble to me. Hard to believe this is genuine at all. He knelt and prayed as a family tonight, we never do that.

Happy with himself that he got his own pain meds today, handled it without me. Wohoo! Sorry, just am not seeing that this is a real and permanent change, doesn't feel real... the same man got mad at me last night and called OW, remember?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

DD, 4, is in my bed. Daddy told her she could sleep with me, although I would rather be alone. She is still awake! GRR! He told her to hold his "World's Best Daddy" bear and it was "me right here with you". She already had a mini-meltdown and I called him to let her talk to him. He asked if he should come back, I told him no. She has settled down again. Falling asleep...

This all rubs me so wrong!! I am the BS and I am left with the cranky toddler, the moody teenager and the silent powder keg, DS, 11. Why, if he supposed to be making this better and different, leading the family... why am I here holding all the pieces?!

Why? Because right now you are the only sane and responsible parent they have and all of you know it.

So you will stay to care and love them. Reassure them of your commitment to them and give them the example their dad needs to prove he can be.

Any other questions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Easier said than done but you are their mom so it will be done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Well, yeah, duh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know, I know. Of course I will be here, these are my babies and there is nothing that will ever change that. guess I get tired of being the responsible one, wanna know when it is my turn to breakdown?!

Other than the whole OW having miscarriage and then have PA with my husband thing (see thread with that question, weird thoughts of a twisted mind!)

Actually I am feeling better since I wrote this. He had just left and I was still miffed, not cause he left, really, but because he breezed in with a bunch of whooey and then was gone again.

I read a few "Christian" posts and feel better. Read some things that really spoke to me.

Thanks O, you are a kind and gentle soul! Gonna crawl in bed with the DD, 4. She snores like her Daddy <bittersweet sigh>. G-night!

G'nite Momma..... see you in the morn'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.