</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ... And yes we both love eachother. . . it's kind of amazing what effect this can have, really putting things into perspective. But I think the reason I didn't want to give her more of a committment earlier was because I too kept thinking about all the past relationships I had and trying to realize that those past loves wasn't love at all. So I had to realize that she wasn't out to hurt me like all the others did and that I had to make the distinction that the past feelings I had about love were wrong and that the love I feel for her is true love. It's a tough realization, because my mind was telling me things but it's the feeling deep inside that matters, and the mind is usually the final piece to solving that puzzle...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an insert of an email my H wrote to his mom when we told her we were going to get married. His mom was asking if he was sure he is making the right decision and if we really loved each other.

This just brought tears because I could have prevented where we are today, had I know about all the LBs. I just had a hard time dealing with all we've been thru the last 9 months (mostly financially, from the wedding, wedding reception, buying a house... then having the baby). I also found another email where he said he was sorry for hanging up on me but he didn't like me yelling at him on the phone and at the end of the email he said he loved me. I guess I can see why he wants out, whether the OW is involved or not. I want another chance.. I've realized what I've done and I've been working on me as a better partner. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry, just have to vent... the email brought me down.

JW,

I'm sorry you are going through this, I can tell you I know exactly how you are feeling, as I have done all of the self realization as well.

I recommend you read "Surviving An Affair", and "Love Busters" those books are helping me more than I could've on my own.

It is good that you are seeing the changes YOU need to make, but it is important that you see them as changes YOU NEED, regardless of the situation with your H. Make the changes 4 U to be a better person, and let God open his eyes.

Hosea

Thanks for your reply Hosea...

I do realize the changes I need to make, regardless. I have been working on them since he told me he no longer loved me. I just expected more from my H. That's where we recognized our communication problems and by that time it was too late. He confides in the OW and says he has nothing for me.

I'm starting to think I should give him what he wants.

It sounds to me like it means he has had past relationship problems, and now is continuing according to his track record. Maybe I am not understanding this right.

Dear JW,

Too late? It will be 'too late' the day he MARRIES the OW, OK? It is NOT too late. Are you still under the same roof? You have to start Plan A if you haven't already. I'm sorry, I don't know your story, but all of us, all of us think it's too late - no matter how long the A has been going, no matter what - when we find out. That's just fear. You have a lot on your side. You are the W, don't discount that. It matters.

My advice, for what it's worth: You say to him something like, "Sweetheart, I don't want us to be kicking ourselves 10 years down the line. So, I want us to spend the next year (yes, at least that, b/c the 'experts' say that true recovery takes 2 years) putting everything we have into our R. I accept responsibility for my actions that placed our R at risk...." You can fill in the blanks.

Good luck, and blessings.

Believer, I think you're correct. He said most of his past ex's left with no word as to why they did. Even the ex/OW he is talking to now and she did it twice. He's always had feelings for her, he says. Weird to me when they only dated for 3 months and she left him twice. I guess you want what you can't have and now she's back so he may have a chance. As for me, I stuck around and he's over it.

Thanks afterall, you're right... it probably is fear and I do have a lot on my side. I'll try what you suggested. All this R talk is a LB for him though, so we'll see how that goes. I may give it some time before I bring the R up again.

And be sure to spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Start building some new memories.

JW,

R talk is a LB for a lot of guys. So, I know you'll find a way to lighten up for awhile. Post here; it's a lifesaver. Do the R talk later, b/c you have to work out the issues, or they come back to haunt you.