My WH has finally confessed to some pretty horrible things. Namely, OW was in my house. There was physical contact during the two month false recovery period. (He had previously told me it was only phone calls.) And there have been others.

I am completely lost. On the one hand, I feel it's a good sign that he's told me these things. On the other hand, I am so sick of the lies. He told me about one of the others last week. Told me it was ONS. Last night confessed it was a few times with that person. Why does he keep telling me, "That's it. There's nothing more to tell." Then a week later, he tells me more. It's a slow death and I don't want to do it anymore.

Please, I would really appreciate some advise. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired of trying - thinking that he's finally being honest - only to find out that he's been lieing the entire time. I can't even cry anymore. I just feel numb.

Sorry you are having to go through this agony. Usually the WS is afraid to hurt the BS more, and so does not come out with the whole truth right away. Some never come out with any truths at all. My WH has been lying for 2 years now.

Although it is painful for you, I would look at it as an encouraging sign for your marriage.

Are you in any kind of counseling?

Thanks for responding believer.

Immediately after DDay, we started MC. WH had a few sessions with her alone, but lied to her and me through the whole thing. We stopped because we didn't feel she was helping us at all. WH has made an appointment for IC. He starts today.

That sounds good. I know it hurts, but it is very typical. The WS thinks that they will spare you pain by lying. And of course, that makes it even worst.

Has he sent the OW a no contact letter?

Agree with believer, this IS a good sign. Try not to get tooo hung up in the detail. He had an A and that is horrible the rest is just salt in the wound. It's important to have disclosure but at the same time you can become so consumed with the particulars that you never get to the R.

You haven't said are you in plan A?

Has WH reestablished NC to the best of your knowledge?

MBers is wonderful place that can give you all the tools you need to repair your M if it can be repaired. I would also suggest that you make sure you are completly familiar with all the basic concepts found on the main portion of this site.

Best of luck to you and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

No letter. On DDay #1, he called and told her it was over. Then he called her back two weeks later and started it back up. He broke it off over the phone again on Oct. 1 (supposedly). Unfortunately for him, I found out about broken NC on Oct. 2 when I got the phone records. So, there's no proof that he really did break it off that day. On Oct. 3, he called her while I listened in and told her he loved me and that it was all over. He's still sticking by the fact that he hasn't talked to her since then. Except for last week when he called her to ask her to lie to me about whether she had been in my house, in my bed. I had told him that I was going to call her because I didn't believe him. That was my mistake. He admitted to me that he called her and coached her and told me all the horrible details before I got a chance to call her.

I know I should be feeling positive about all the truths that have finally come out. I'm just so tired of him telling me that he's told me everything - only to find out more. I don't understand it. I don't believe that there isn't more. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe that again. How can I work on a marriage with a person who shows me over and over again that he can't give me the one thing I need more than anything - honesty? I keep opening my heart to him and he keeps feeding me poison. I deserve so much better.

We have all felt the way you do. I can't tell you how many times that I sat FWW down and said, okay this is it I can't hurt anymore if there is anything else that I don't know now is the time to get it out, she would look at me and swear there was nothing more and one by one all the horrible sorted details would come to light, she actually let OM stay at my house, in my bed, and with my children while I was out of town.

When they lie and rewrite history most of this is the FOG talking. Are you familiar with that?

On the no NC I think he/you? are missing the point. NC IS NOT calling the OW. It is setting down and writting a letter with your approval/input telling OP that the A is over period end of ALL contact FOREVER!!!!!! Have you read up on the NC letter? It will help and explain it better than I.

You didn't say are you in plan A? Do you understand it's concepts? It is a really really important part of the initial phase of R.

Best of luck you are in the right place to save your M.

I agree with Mr. E. Ask him to write a no contact letter, saying that he loves you and wants to work on his marriage, and will have no contact for any reason.

See what he says about that. Mine refused to do it. It let me know that he was not that serious about our relationship.

Mr. E,
I was plan A'ing my A off! I didn't realize that because I thought we were in recovery. We spent every night after original DDay reading ALL Harley's books. We did EN questionaire. We did Recreational questionaire. We signed the Marital Commitment. WH has even posted on this site. All lies because he was still in contact and looking me in the eye every day and lieing to me about it. He is so good. I can't believe I've been too stupid to see him for what he really is all this time. I am honestly at a point where I don't care about NC anymore. I've thought it was in place since August and I don't think him writing a letter instead of making a phone call is going to make one bit of difference. If he wanted to see her again after the letter, he would. I honestly don't even care about the A anymore. I am so completely stung by his ability to cheat on me and lie to me for the last ten years. I am at the point that I don't even care if he and OW run off together. Some times I wish they would and just leave me alone to repair my heart and my house.

Only YOU know when enough is enough and I hear your words but the fact that you are in a site called MBers leads me to believe that that is just frustration talking.

If you are at the end of the line with the way things are but hold some hope you could just jump right into plan B or of course there is always the big D but I would caution you to think long and hard before going either of those routes until you are absoulutly sure that is "your final answer".

An A is an awful thing to go through and when you have no idea what is an isn't reality it can make you feel like you are the one that is crazy. That is where this board is particularly helpful IMO because you can come in here and always find someone that has been through what you've been through or worse, and blow off a little a steam.

Once again, you must make the decision on how to proceed and this site can help with just about any of them.

One thing to keep in mind though is if you do you decide to "try" you need to set some boundries so you do not continue to be hurt in the fashion you are.

Hang in there and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!

So you haven't confirmed with OW? Hm..... seems like he made a deal with the devil and expects you to buy his 'that's all story.' I am sure the OW has more to tell....at the very least her version. While it also maybe filled with lies....if you are strong enough you could get more details if you need to.

I think your WS is getting t/b an expert at manipulation and you need to set some high trust expectations.

This c/b a good time for plan B. See my Ws did the same thing. Sat in the rain while our child slept in the back seat of my car, late at night, in the rain, in a parking lot down the street from my house (said it was because of bad reception when he used to talk to her all the time from his truck when it was parked in front of our house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I went along with that shinagigan to support the nut.

It was false recovery at best. They resumed contact almost immediately and I had to go to plan B again. Sounds crazy now but that is what happened. All the corcodile tears (that is what they ended up being) and phony stories. The wS even believe themselves.

That's your clue.....the WS have to get crazy to get into this mess and be crazy to get out. They are crazy the whole time in the A but crazy to the point where they can see their own spiral downfall.

L.

I completely understand your situation. I've been married almost 5 years and from the first few months until now I have found something new out about my husband's affairs. For the first few years it was always a weird phone call or an email or an Internet porn site. He always would say there was no contact, nothing big, just playing around. Then a few months before our 3rd anniversary and 1 month before our 2nd child was born he confessed that he had been with a woman, then later it was 2, then it was just messing around no sex, then it was just oral sex, then it turned into 3 women, then it was sex just once, etc. The story changed every week. Then he moved out and started with a new woman. Then we got back together and from then until now (almost 2 years later) there has still been a phone call here and there and other similar things. He always tells me it's nothing. I am in the same situation as you- I've repeatedly asked for complete honesty and if someone calls him to just tell me or if he sees someone somewhere to just tell me. He never is completely honest with me and then I feel as if I should check the phone bills, etc He gets mad that I'm not trying to build trust and that I'm always "checking up" on him. But I feel that I cannot be hurt again. I feel you when you say that D would be better. I have told him to just leave me and go be with someone else but he says he has never loved any of them. I have thought of giving up but the children make that so hard. I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through. I don't have any great advice because I'm still in the same situation. I don't know if it'll help to call the other woman. I have done that and these women are so rude and awful. Not one of them apologized to me. They all just said that they weren't my problem and they lied for him. They don't seem to love him- I think they just don't care about anyone. It makes me so mad because they really don't care that they're destroying a family. I really hope that your situation gets better and would love to hear from you.

Orchid,
Thank you for responding. I did talk to OW. She confirmed that he called her to ask her to lie for him. She said she hadn't spoken to him since October, and that she doesn't want to speak to him again. She seemed kinda pissed when I told her some of the things that WH finally told me about her and the A. She said that he wanted her to lie because he loves me and wants to stay with me. She said that didn't make her feel very good.

I am inclined to believe that there has been no contact since October. But I've been inclined to believe that before. If I believed everything he has now told me - including that there is nothing else to tell, I could probably continue to repair this marriage. But I can't believe him. He's proven to me over and over that he is a liar, so why would he come clean now?? I mean, does a WS finally come out of the fog and start confessing things? is this normal? Or is this more manipulation? I know I should be looking at actions - not words. But his actions have been really very good.

I hope someone can give me some guidance here. I really don't know what to do. Are there any WS out there that could shed some light for me??

SJ,

I would disagree that there are any positive signs in his behavior. Talking...confessing of partial details or plain mistruths is just the ongoing A wrapped in a more palatable package for the WS and the BS.

Take your same scenario and wrap it with a WS's SOLUTION for what happened, THEN you have some progress.

Coach, a very wise man, once wrote that he refused to tell his WW what to do to correct the problem. His retort was " you were smart enough to hide the A, you are obviously smart enough to figure out a way to fix it"

Tough words? You bet, but I would bet money on THAT recovery scenario in a New York minute

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>