Hello all,
It has been a while since i last posted. Unfortuanately allowed myself to cont. to ride the roller coaster for awhile. I have finally come to the end of this ride though. I have gotten to the point now that it is pointless for me to want her back into my life, since she does not want to be back in my life as my wife.
She conts. her affair with OM as far as i know. Maybe with other's as well. I only know as far as i can see. I have attempted to go dark on her but have been fished in by her at times and have not been able to stay dark.
I have made up my mind that i am going to go dark/plan B. I have pretty much emailed her and told her pretty much everything in my letter, she knows my boundaries and what has to happen if she should choose to come back in a relationship with me. Of course i get i am not ready for that right now, or i don't know what the future will hold. All this essentially tells me is i want my cake and eat it too and as long as u are cont. to bite at my line, this is as far as i am going to go with any change.
My question is now with everything out. Not much hidden with anyone. Why should she cont. to lie? I have unintentionally busted her several times, but she conts. to lie. It makes me question anything that she tells me now or in the past. What does she get out cont. to lie to somenone who knows what's going on, but also to the kids.
Ex. Ww attended my kids cub scout pack meeting d/t awards being given out stated to them that she had to go back to work. I took kids to go eat, but as i drove past WW at intersection, notice she was in the wrong lane to head back to work and was busy primping her hair and putting the lipstick on. I called said hey though u were going back to work, she said i am, i said but your in the wrong lane, WW said got in the wrng lane. Then during one of my obsessive acts ,the last by the way, I drove past to where she was to be at work, her car wasn't there, drove pass her apt. Car wasn't there. I know you'll ask why did i do these things. I guess to prove to myself that she has been lying with this along with other things that i may or may not be aware of. I did not contact her or let her know of what i did and have told myself that all of this is not worth it and will not accomplish anything. So last night i have finally come to the conclusion that i don't want someone like WW back into my life. I don't think WW wants to come back. Too much independence, too fun, no restrictions of a marriage. Plus she gets to have her children every other week. Was told several times that she not in love with me and i need to move on, by her. It maybe babble but it is how it is right now. I must live my life as if she not coming back into it and make it the best for me and my boys. I don't want to live a life with a wife that i cannot trust,and constantly looking over my shoulders. I know this is how it would be if she had or if she will ever want to come back. Personally i don't see it happening and i see a D comming in Oct. We are already legally separated for since Oct.
I am taking myself out of this affair equation,so that i don't have to be a part of her mess.
Probably will never be able to trust or believe much of what she says anymore.
jets

sO SORRY JETS -I really am -are you ready for plan B ? Stay here its not to busy now but maybe someone who knows more about plan B can help I am not there yet -knew info revealed last night and I have alot to process in my mind. Good luck..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jets:
<strong>My question is now with everything out. Not much hidden with anyone. Why should she cont. to lie?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Simply put, to attempt to make it all appear less than it is. She probably deep down understands that what she's doing is wrong, yet
she cannot face this.

For many WSs, when they are lying to their spouses and others, they are really lying more to themselves.

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

OK, I'll give this a stab.

Your WW is still deeply in the fog.

Exposure does not end the fog.

Sometimes NC doesn't end the fog.

However, eventually, if there truly is no contact, the fog will gradually lift and she will see rays of daylight

Sometimes here on MB, we read of people who on DDay change completely, repent, ask spouse for forgiveness, are willing to go to NC immediately, and begin to restore their marriages. However, it seems to me much more common for someone to meet with a situation more like yours and mine.

This requires more patience than we knew we had. We have to listen to Fogbabble and hateful hurtful things that we know they don't really mean. It hurts like heck, but because we have read the books, studied the material, been given advice by the best on the board, we know it for what it is when we hear it.

Some spouses see results immediately. Some after a reasonable time. Some are still waiting after 2 years or more. The decision has to be made by you of how long you can survive this without losing yourself. The purpose of Plan A and B is to find yourself, strengthen yourself, and still hope for the restoration of your marriage without becoming an integral part of the A.

I don't know how my situation will play out. I may, after all this, be unable to save the marriage. In that case, I will just save myself. I am realistic in that I realize that could be my outcome.

It does sound like you need a true Plan B at this point. Why don't you call and ask for an appointment with Steve in the counseling center? Or Jennifer, it doesn't matter which. I think you need some serious advice from a true professional before making a decision.

Hang in there. Only you can decide what's best for you.

Real and Wat
Thanks for your response.
Wat- i think you hit it on the head. Too bad i believe ying/yang exist in life. For what goes around will come around for WW and i will feel bad for my WW because i am afraid it will then be too late for me.
jets

Starz,
Thanks for your response.
I have been told by a professional counselor that i should pretty much go to plan B. I was told this prior to the holidays, but i chose to ignore it and now have come to the realization that i have planned A way too long.
Although a small piece of my heart would like to reconcile a big part says there has been too much damage. I have friends Male and female that treat me a lot better than my WW and we are only friends.
I appreciate the fact that there are strong enough people to wait out two years or more for a possible reconcilition. I have come to a personal conclusion that this is too long for me and those that do that are doing this are wasting a good part of their life as well as opportunities for meeting someone in the future on something that will never happen because the WS does not want it to happen and they have closed that door long ago.
Again this is JMHO to all who are in this sit.
I give you credit and praise because you have more patience, willingness and hope than I.
jets

jets,

I'm so sorry that your situation has not gotten any better and that your love bank is practically in the red. Of course you should go to Plan B, not only to protect the love you have left for her [in case she truly ends her affair and expresses a sincere desire for reconciliation] but also to start your healing from the ravages that her affair has caused you. Plan B will help you even if a divorce does come to pass because by that time your love for your W will be gone and you will be ready for your new life. It's time to put your foot down and settle for nothing less than what you know will save/rebuild your marriage, and if your W does not want to do the same then so be it.

TMCM

Thanks coffeeman,
I agree with everything you are saying.
Plan B been in effect for me since this weekend.
jets

Jets, I have been wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry to hear things aren't getting better.

I really think a good dark Plan B can only help your sit.

Nothing much to add, just wanted you to know, I'm cheering for you.

KY