K72172

Carenmc

I have read the both of your posts we are all very much of the same script just different times and places it is quite sad isent it.

Yes i am going to follw Pep and mimis advice i know it is the only chance i have for sanity.

This time i will have to show WH i mean it as i can see he will just pull rings around me otherwise.

It is quite amazing that WH can remember everything he must do for OW but absolutly cannot remember anything for anyone else.

The one thing i do relate to is that messing around only enhances the A and yes it is quite true OW WILL HAVE HIS HEART AND SOUL and use it to her full advantage i feel she will not give up at any cost.

Do you think i should tell WH what Pep has suggested and wait for a response or tell him what Pep has said plus tell him i need NC as well. Also should i tell him that he has 5 days to decide(she gets back then) or i need an answer now, that he wants me and our marriage, he has to tell OW in my presence when she returns next week that this is what he wants and can have no other contact with her.
Oh god that is a bit jibberish hope you understand.

He keeps saying that neither me or OW can force him to do something. Yes he is probably telling her one thing and me another. So how to do this.

Really i should say me and the marriage no contact decide now. The thing is WH always does the opposite when put against the wall.

The more i write the more stupid i see i am. He is totally fogged he does not see anything but himself what is best for him.

As I told you guys before, I bet I win on being the ultimate PLAN B FAILURE!!! Right in the middle of my PLAN B, I came OUT OF DARKNESS and prolonged my H's A a few more weeks.

PLAN B was the one of the hardest times in my life. Unlike some others here, I never quite got the hang of it. Maybe, like you, I've been with my H for 35 years and have never been with another man. I grieved terribly the loss of his presence. I woke up each and every morning grabbing for him. I called his voice mail to listen to his voice each morning, knowing that his cell would be turned off. As much as I hated PLAN B, I told myself that it would be even harder to think of living my lifetime without my H. I convinced myself, with the urging of my MB supporters, that it was my only option. It turns out that it really was. Try to struggle through it just like you did your labor pains.

It's weird though. Even though I thought I could not live without him, I'm thankful that I got that brief opportunity. Now, even though, he is really back, I now know that I can exist without him. If he leaves now, I know that I can survive. In the long run, PLAN B will make you a better person. Just take my word on this. It is true.

Does it help to know what my H now says about it? He admits now how he hated that time away from me, how he thought that he was doomed to spend his life with only her, how he is thankful now that I paved a way back home, how he had just resolved to have a few more years of fun before his life was over? I asked him this weekend, aren't you glad that you decided to have a more fulfilling life with us? He had to spend the time with her 24 hours a day, seven days a week to learn that she was just like any other woman. She had created this fantasized view of herself that she could not keep up; he learned that she was all show... THE GREAT PRETENDER. If you remain available in his life now, he will focus on your flaws in order to maintain his fantasy of her as being perfect. Take you out of the picture and he will begin to see her flaws. She will think she has it made and will let down her guard. I am giving you this information to use to remind yourself of the value of PLAN B when you begin to get weak.

You will need to find someone else to take care of your children or either let him find away to take care of them somewhere else. During PLAN B, he should not have the advantage of coming into the house. He should not be able to see you at all. Stop thinking of excuses for not doing this. Stop making it easy for him. I think it's a good idea for you to get away if you can. Do something different that he does not expect you to do. You take charge. Create mystery about yourself. He wants to think of you sitting around waiting for him as INSURANCE. Don't believe that he thinks that he is in love with you. He wants you as an anchor, as a rock, as his stability. He does not want you right now as his lover. YUK!!!

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

DH,
you askme if it gets easier with time, I don´t really know. It still hurts but not having that reminder everyday is a relief. It was maybe easier the first few days and is getting harder now but I couldn´t imagine staying with him, seeing him knowing that he is having an A. IT IS DISRESPECTFUL!!!! You can´t expect him to respect you if you don´t respect yourself!!!!
You have to go to plan B. Write the letter, see the examples on the web page, I guess you can´t post it here because you probably speak another language, but follow the examples, give it to him when he least expects it and then go dark. YOU NEED THAT, you cannot continue letting him abuse you by rubbing the affair in your face. Do something for yourself, visit family, go away...
DH, you have to do what is necessary if you want to save your marriage.I know you havethe strngth, you just have to believe in yourself and that having an affair IS WRONG!
Please read Mimi´s advice and follow it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think i should tell WH what Pep has suggested and wait for a response or tell him what Pep has said plus tell him i need NC as well. Also should i tell him that he has 5 days to decide(she gets back then) or i need an answer now, that he wants me and our marriage, he has to tell OW in my presence when she returns next week that this is what he wants and can have no other contact with her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DYING:

Your mistake continues to be looking towards him to do anything. ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU DO!!!! This will take time. Think in terms of months, not days. Spell it out in a letter. Keep it simple. Tell him what PEP says with NO BEGGING OR PLEADING!!![/ [B]ALSO, GIVE HIM THE PLAN B LETTER!! Keep it simple. You will reconcile with him if he writes her a NO CONTACT LETTER in which he states that he LOVES HIS WIFE and will not SEE OR COMMUNICATE WITH HER EVER IN HIS LIFETIME. Since he is addicted to the OW, this will not be easy for him to do. However, these should be the only terms under which you will take him back.

Unless he does this, you will not have him, WILL YOU? You seem to continue to feel that you can force this to happen or make him change his mind about her. I felt the same way but had to accept that I was POWERLESS!!!

Geeze Mimi, you get better and more forceful all the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mimi, we were posting at the same time!

The insight from your H is very important to me. I think I am using your advice more than DH. LOL!!!!

I have a question for you if you would be sokind as to help me,because I´m not sure I am doing the right thing.
Plan B started 26th dec so it has been a month now,including New Year, my birthday and my DDs birthdays. WH did not want to talk before then even though I tried to several times. He did not talk of the A,nor of the practical details of being separated.I don´t think he thought I would really ask him to leave and NC was certainly a surprise to him, but he has respected it.
In my letter I told him I would send him all the bills so that he could see them and pay them and not think I was spending money on any other thing.

A couple of weeks ago he closed our joint account. He is apparently paying the bills including credit cards but I have no access to cash except for my salary which is not enough to cover all the daily expenses.
I askedmy intermediary to talk to him about arranging an amount he could send me and he sent me some money 10days ago. I also sent him a note about this which he has not answered. I think he was really angry because I asked him to leave and do not talk to him. I can manage as long as he pays the bills and DDs ask him for money frequently, so he knows I don´t have any.

I think that I should try to livelike this without contacting him about this for a while longer, because breaking plan B would be worse than cutting down on silly expenses. I fear he is using the money issue to get me to talk to him, or to punish me for not talking to him. That´s the main reason I don´t want to break plan B,now. My intermediary is BIL whois on holidays now but when he comes back I plan on telling him about this. I am convinced that I musn´t shield WH from his bad decisions (somebody said that tome in my first thread), specially considering I have noidea what influenceOW is having on money matters and the fact that I think that WH is in MLC ... So I will insist with BIL about this subject in case it gets worse.

Am I doing the right thing?
Thanks

DH, sorry for threadjacking.I just realized what I had done.

cc46

please feel free to threadjack any time your strength gives me solace.

Mimi

Short Plan B letter

Dear WH

I love you and i want our marriage.

If you want me and our marriage then you have to tell OW in a letter (that i post) or in my presence that you love me and want our marriage and that you can have no contact with her again.

This is the only way that we will be able to reconcile our love, respect, honesty and trust for each other.

Love BS.

DYING:

I wrote a couple or more PLAN B letters. Remember I'm a failure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

None of them were short. It needs ro be like a love letter, reminding him of the good times, letting him know why you love him, making him think about a future with you that includes fun with you, your children and grandchildren.

I would not suggest saying that tne NC statement needs to be in her presence. I think this is too confrontational. You are on a higher level than that. Also, state that you can mail it TOGETHER. There needs to be A TEAM FOCUS as you start RECOVERY. YOU AND HIM AGAINST HER.

My FWH referred back to his PLAN B letter. I can imagine him pulling it out and reading it as he considered ending it with her. Really think about what you say ..paving the way back home.

Mimi-

May I ask how long you were in Plan B?? When I hear people say....Oh I've been in Plan B for a month.....Or 6 months, it freaks me out, I don't know if I'm strong enough to go for that long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My WH is being very nice to me, I mean we've had sort of a date night on Saturdays....we've had SF 2X's since Exposure, which has only been a few weeks. He's not mean to me like he was the preceding 5 months...where he knew I was very distraught, and STILL wouldn't confess to the A. He even went so far as to tell me "THAT'S NOT what's going on Caren, and you're gonna feel like an @ss when you finally find out" Ummmm no, I was right...so I don't feel like an @ss.

On D-Day/Exposurama (LOL) He told me that he left me because he was BORED, I WAS BORING....Okay, so now I'm a horrible housekeeper, I didn't give him enough SF, I couldn't pay the bills, and I was BORING.

Well I must not be too damn boring he calls the hell out of me, and he's over here watching movies, eating dinner, having SF. I think I'm gonna try to lure him over here a day during the week for some reason see if I can't talk him into SF then too.

I am waiting until after my Psychiatrist appointment to give him my ultimatum, I planned on doing it right after we got our tax check, but I'm completely out of Xanax, and I have a feeling that doing this is going to send me into a full blown panic attack. I see the psychiatrist on Feb 9th...so it's not too far off.

So the way I figure it, I've been plan Aing the crap out of this man, and then I'm pulling the rug out from under him. It's going to be so hard, I'm so scared, I don't know how long I can do this...........

Sorry, didn't mean to threadjack DH, Maybe you and I can commiserate about being in Plan B...as I will shortly be in the same boat you are.

-Caren

I guess you could say I was in PLAN B 3 to 4 months. Some time I was really good at it, sometime I was not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When WH left re plan B-1 he told me he read my then Plan B letter 20 times.

When i gave him the letter re NC last week he read it once and said it was full of verbiage. Which maybe it was. But obviously the first one was better or maybe it was because he was not at home. Yeah thats it.

I did not keep a copy of Plan B-1 unfortunately.

I will put together a new one and post later.

He won't REALLY READ the letter until he is thinking of ending the A.

Remember, NOW HE IS IN THE FOG!!!!

You say loving things in it so that he will want to keep it. Then when he is coming out it he will refer back to it.

DYING, You want this to move to fast and your focus is on controlling him.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF!! ONLY YOURSELF!! HE IS AN ALIEN!! DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE IS SAYING! DON"T BELIEVE ANYTHING HE IS SAYING... . THIS IS A BROKEN RECORD!!!!

okay okay

I know i know

just keep telling me

just keep telling me

It must be really irritating for you to have to see me floundering around but i really do get it, it is i know just a way of me trying to get around the inevitable.

It really does all make sense i keep repeating in my mind what he said to me even 24 hrs ago

her mind is magigal
she was my best friend first i want to stay friends
I have to help her find her own office or anyother job.

Same old same old

So you see i know he is full of b---s---.
But today was the best he was desperate to make sure her paycheck got transfered today and she did not have to wait a millisecond in its delay. But he had to call me for the information. AGH

Yes those actions say it all.

Thinking of me. I know if i dont get away from him soon it will be to my detriment. Okay i cant spell.

Will work on letter.

How are you doing today?

Hi Mimi

I am okay today.

I have taken a day off from this A.

I am keeping a calm mind and happy smile.

I quess i am taking time for me without actually doing anything except mess about on this site.

I am going away for my weekend leave exarly fri morning (middle of night really) anf return sun night. Other than that am not really thinkinfg of anything have not told WH yet about trip. He did know but i know he has forgotten.

Working on Plan B letter.

WH out late last night working. FACT
Out late to night course. Fact
Out late tomorrow night. Meeting Fact

I am not rushing letter but reading lots on this site and no i have not wavered on my determination. If he cant NC then straight to Plan B. I will not be cheated on again with my agreement.

CONTNUE TO HAVE A GREAT DAY!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I took yesterday off. I'm posting during free times at work but wanted to keep check on you. Don't go into hiding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No no more hiding it does not achieve anything.

Had to take DD15 for an interview for a new school next year i had actually forgotten she rang to remind me.

Of course WH forgot too did not remind him no word from him today he wont be home till midnight.

This morning he came and gave me a kiss goodbye then he left. About 5 minutes later he came back just to tell me he loved me. Well this is so typical of fog talk he is feeling guilty and wants to have his ego stroked. I am not falling for that again.

Mimi what work do you do and did you work before your FWH's A.

Post deleted by dyinghere