Well...here we go again.
Plan B doesn't work so good when they WON'T GO AWAY!
10:45 I here loud knocking at the door. (I somehow knew who it was. No one else would be here that late). I went to the door and asked who it was. OW answered "Adam is here to see his kids" I said 'sorry, you need to go away, or I will call the police'
So they are yelling, and ringing the bell over and over. So I called 911. The dispatcher said that she could not do anything about WH being here, because we are legally married and he has no order of protection. I told her that this was going to turn violent, they were drunk and I needed officers, NOW. So, officers came.
OW and WH approached the officers when they got here. OW has outstanding warrants for the last time she harassed me. They arrested her on those charges. WH was drunk in public, causing a scene and couldn't get anyone to pick him up, so they booked him. So, they are gone, in separate cars. WH was VERY drunk, and he got booked for 'drunk in public'. I did not see, nor talk to him. OWs car is parked on the side of the road. Supposedly, WH wanted to see the children, since he is going out to sea for 3 days tomorrow. (He hasn't seen them in months, why now?) He has not contacted the intermediary, or I about this. At 11pm, drunk with OW is NOT the time.
So I am stressed out, and frustrated about this.
Then I get a call from 'Michelle, OWs friend'. She wants to know what is going on. She has been letting WH and OW stay at her house and got a strange call from WH tonight. She is watching OWs youngest child and doesn't know what to do or what is going on. She can't call in to work tomorrow, and she is new to the area, H is gone to sea, blah blah blah. She said that I am heartless because my WH was sitting at her house missing his kids. Give me a break. Basically she wanted me to PLEASE call the jail and drop the charges so she could get out. She said if I had a heart I would do it. HAHA. I told her that she got mixed up in the wrong crowd and to call the kids father, and hung up. I called the officer and left a message for him to call me. I want to let him know about this call I got.

I feel like calling my MIL and saying WTF is going on with your SON!!!
Obviously, I am not, because it is midnight and she can not do anything about it either. *sigh*
I am overtired, and this is NOT the night I needed.
Danielle

Edited to add:
Re-reading this I feel like I sound like a trashy person. I actually live in a very upstanding neighborhood and am NOT the type of person AT ALL to get 'mixed up' in this mess. I WILL be getting a RO against WH now...

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

You don't sound trashy!! Stop it!

OW and WH....now they're another story. Affairs seem to bring out the trashiness of people.

You go get yourself some sleep and take care of things tomorrow.

I would get that RO first thing.

I'd also inform his command of this incidence. BEFORE he takes off with the ship for a few days.

Stay dark and don't respond to the roommate.

Feel sorry for him? Is she on crack?

Don't answer that actually!

Let them sit in jail overnight. I'd love to have the opportunity to see my WH and OW getting some rent free accomodations at the local lock up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get some rest. At least you know that no one will be showing up for the rest of the night. I applaud you for not answering the door and getting dragged into their drama. Not many would have been able to do that.

The ones who look trashy here are your WH and his OW. Not you.

Its time to change your phone number- you should not have to have any contact with the other trash in WH's life.

Get the RO, definately. Have your nieghbor help you out. My husband is military security and I know when I tell him about this in the morning he is going to once again repeat that he wishes your WH worked on our base so he could shield you in some way. He'd tell the whole police department about a certain troublemaker they need to keep an eye on.

What's great is he's hitting rock bottom with his OW driving him right into it. He is going to look back and wonder how the heck he got caught up in such garbage and actively participated in it! I'd bet a hundred bucks she egged him on to show up on the doorstep so she could drag her trampy [censored] into your home and show you up.

Now his command is going to find out about this... HAHAHAHA...sorry, I can't help but enjoy this fact. He can't act the victim anymore. Its going to be blatantly obvious who the fool is in this play.

(((HUGS))) Danielle, this sucks.

I am drawn to your post for several reasons.

1) I had WH arrested several days ago after he tackled me, NEVER been there before and was miserable about it... my husband in an orange jumpsuit...

2) The whole military thing... WH was a Marine and I remember the drama that often surrounded families with H gone all the time and lonely W,what a mess!

3) The whole "I am above this" undertones! Got your back there, girl! I live in an upper middle class, golf-course, country club community and hope they didn't all see the cop cars out here at 3 am last week! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Plus, WH took up with a whore who was curretly dating (engaged to?) a married man who she had been recently prg by (miscarried the week or so before???) When OW's BF found out about WH, BF's wife called her mad at her for upsetting her husband???!!! WTH?! I woke in a Jerry Springer episode, and that is so not my "normal life"!

So sorry, sounds like you had a rough night. And last I checked, you cannot get the OW out by calling the jail. She has to stay til morning when she goes before the judge. Not that it is your problem anyway!!!

Lets see, she had outstanding warrant, and he was D&D. Not a thing you can do about it.

Sorry, I have to admit I laughed a little when I read this. Life is so much beter with her isnt it?? Well free meal, free bad, free clothes, explaining the arrest to CO.

I am sorry you had to go through this though.

Exactly what was the WS and OW planning t/d with the children at 10:45pm? Weren't they in bed already? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is gonna look real good for the guy that made his W out t/b crazy but he and the OW will now be known for causing a ruckus and may have employment issues in the morning. YIKES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dani, keep you and your family safe. This is their (WS/OP) issue. You were right NOT to enable the A 's consquence by dropping the charges. Weren't the charges of disorderly conduct given by the police this time anyway? I mean.... how good does it look even if the WS didn't get booked?

You are doing fine. I am sure you are a bit shaken but on the safe side of that door.

Get some rest and check back with us in the morning. Wonder if the WS or OP are gonna show up for work now? I feel sorry for OW's child but that is not your concern. Her friend may think twice before she helps the OW again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

oh dani...

what insanity...

just stay dark....

your mantra is that no one VISITS a 22 MONTH old and a FOUR year old at 10:45 night... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is pathetic...

do you can you get copies of the police reports for your lawyer....

ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

let those two wallow in their madness...
they will destroy this without any input from you OR anyone else...

ARK

Just don't get pulled into this...Let the police and judges make decisions without editorializing on your part about them. Their actions speak louder than your words.

Cherished

Okay, quick update then I am going to lay down. I am exhausted!

This morning the first thing I did was check if OWs car is still outside, and sure enough, it is.

I called WHs ship to speak to his Chief. She has some really screwed up way of making it seem like this is MY fault. People make me mad!
Anyhow, she said that she spoke to WH this morning and he told her that 'I had him arrested' and now he is considered UA, and his pay has stopped. The ship will go out this morning without him. He is to check into the temporary unit 'when he is done in jail' and then when the ship comes back he will go to mast. She said 'they will take his pay and all that good stuff'. Just the way she was talking and what she said, she was trying to imply that I shouldn't have done this, because now it is going to hurt me financially. She said that since WH did not call the ship last night when they could have helped him, he is now UA and there is nothing they can do for him. She said 'I heard that he got arrested because he didn't have a ride' Shesh....
First, *I* didn't arrest him, or even ASK for the police to arrest him. I wanted them GONE, I don't care where. The POLICE decide who to arrest and why, not ME!
Okay, YES I am a complete and utter wreck about money. I have no idea what I am going to do now that he will be getting no pay, which means no child support. I am upset that I had to call the police on my husband. I am hurt by the fact that I had to watch my husband be arrested. I am hurt that he can only think of the children whenhe is drunk at 11pm. NO, I don't like ANY of this.
But seriously, what did she expect me to do? I have to protect these kids....I am sorry. I don't know what I am going to do, but I do know that they are safe. Period.

Then I am at the car place (trying to find a car). BTW, I hate this whole looking for a car when I know nothing idea.
Anyhow, I get a call from the police dept, so I answer. It is WH. I said 'hello' he said 'can you hear me'
Me Yes, but I don't believe I have anything to say to you.
Him I just want to tell you that I wasn't there last night because OW and I were fighting or anything. I was drunk and having a bad one and missed the kids so she thought she would be a Good Samaritan and bring me to see them.
Me Well you know that what happened last night was way out of line, so I will let you go.
Him I know it was, I don't even really know what happened last night. I just wanted to kiss the kids.
Me Well bye.
Him HEY HEY HEY, what charges does OW have against her, I need to know.
Me I am busy right now, I am with someone, so CLICK

I am thinking about trying to move...so he doesn't know where I live.

Danielle

write the chief a letter..

dear chief.
On the night of jan. 25 at 10:45. pm. I was alone in my house with a 22 month and four year old fast asleep.

I was summoned to the door by two apparantly intoxicated adults demanding to let them in to see the children.

Please note that my husband has full access to see the children alone and has not once exercised this right for __________ days.

I did what any rational parent would do I called the police to have these to people removed from my property.

I was unable to do anything about what happened to them after the police took them as I have been left with two children in a home and NO vehicle solely linked to the actions of my husband.

Even had I a vehicle, there was no way that I would drag two innocent children down to a police station in the middle of the night over thier drunken actions.

No one is suffering more in this choas then those two children I will not now nor ever place them in such situations.

I am not now nor will I ever be a participant in any of this gross activity.

I will continue to protect my children.

dani....I am not sure you should send this letter...but I also am concerned about what it does to you emotionally to be continually drawn in to this chaos...with no outlet to speak your justice.....

the healthiest way is to figure out a way to speak and release your peace....

you did the right thing...
you did the right thing...

ARK
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dani,

I'm so sorry... This is just awful. I agree with ARK and I think that you should write that letter that ARK proposed in her email below.

I am, however, a bit concerned about the support that you are getting from the Navy, especially the Chief. I would not call this person anymore. Who is the person above this woman? I don't know anything about the ranking system in the Navy, but I think that you may need to go somewhere higher to get the help that you deserve. Maybe you can compose this letter and send it to someone higher up in the Command and send copies to the Chief and others who need to be informed of this. There is no reason why you should be punished financially because of your husband's actions. The military could get in trouble for this. If you feel that you are suffering financially because of this, then I would suggest that you contact your Member of Congress.

I strongly suspect that your WH and his OW may be substance abusers, not just with alcohol. Their behavior is totally incomprehensible and irrational and under no circumstances should your children be subjected to these people at ANY time, whether it's morning, afternoon or night.

I'm so sorry that you are being dragged into this. You sound like a very intelligent woman and your children are lucky to have you as their Mom. Please take care of yourself. Dani, you can do so much better than this man.

I know that this is not what MB advocates, but I think that you may be better off without this man in your life. I know that this is painful and it tears your heart in a thousand pieces and pulls the rug from underneath your feet, but please please remove yourself from this chaos.

You will do so much better...

Take care
Kati

You really did do the only thing you could, so try not to beat yourself up over it.

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about marriage-building at this time. I would take my children and return to my home state. There, you will have support resources with your family, and be able to establish a stable environment.

He's not in a position to help you financially anyway, and things will be getting worse. Although I do wonder if the military will pay for your move now under these circumstances. If not, you can ask about reimbursal. But even if there were no benefits to be had, I'd still make my move now.

He's a slow-learner, and he's going to take this down to rock bottom. I wouldn't be hanging around to watch. And I would definately get that RO, and re-establish it as soon as I got back to my home state too.

Dani,
Hi I have never written to you but I have followed your story. My spouse is Navy. One thing I want to suggest is for you to put a call out to Mortarman. He is very good in these situations he was military up until recently and he can give you some very good advice about what to do. Please Please put word out to him.

The other thing is YOU are not responsible for your wh being in jail and missing ships movement. Your WH is the one responsible for the mess he got himself into. You had no responsibility in calling the ship last night. I am surprised the police did not call the ship and tell them. I know my husband has been woken up more than once during a night for someone that was in jail. As far as loss of money I'm not sure how that works when he misses ships movement and the whole UA I have my thoughts but I dont' want to give you wrong info and I can't ask my dh right now. He will have to go to Captains Mast and they will probably fine him and do some other punishments. I would not go to his Chief either anymore. Find out who is division officer is and go to that person. Remember YOU DID NOTHING to put your wh in jail it was HIS actions and only his actions. YOU protected your kids!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:

I am thinking about trying to move...so he doesn't know where I live.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect that might be considered illegal in regards to H's parental rights without a court order .... check first.

If H was arrested drunk and disorderly with OW in your front yard ... it looks mighty bad to the family courts.

document everything ... even the phone calls

Pep

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Vis-a-vis cars: Dani, don't you have any guy friends? This is a time you could use a guy friend to go car-hunting, etc., with you. Or helping you move, or whatever.

Dani,

Sorry for this mess. In addition to Ark's sample letter and to post it to a higher command, I think it w/b fair for you to state (italicized comments are my additions):

I was summoned to the door by a loud knock with two apparantly intoxicated adults demanding to let them in to see the children. A woman's voice was yelling something about seeing my children. NOTE: This woman has been harassing my family. I was scared.

The police informed me that I was fully within my right to have these intoxicated persons removed from my residence.

Also add the conversation your H had with you this morning admitting he was drunk and knowingly let the OW and himself create this ruckus. His admission of misconduct should count for something good for you and even for him. However it does not justify nor absolve him from what he did to your family.

I also agree that this letter should go to a higher command with the note stating that the officer you spoke with berated and tried to make you feel guilty for cooperating with the police.

I thought your H was at her friend's house and called you last night? Where is his vehicle? It is not your fault that he can't get himself to the boat on time.

Think seriously about this letter. Don't minimize what happened nor the effect. Be factual and fair.

You are doing fine. Let us know how else we can help.

Dani,

The last thing you need to worry about is us thinking you're trashy. I honestly can't think of a more graceful way to handle this problem than you did. "Trashy" is what knocked on your door last night. Compare her behavior to yours and you'll see an enormous difference.

Now, if you'd wanted to be trashy, here's how you would have handled it:

Instead of refusing to answer the door, you go charging out and start screaming at the OW. Use lots of really foul and offensive names. Try to scratch her face and pull her hair. Throw at least one shoe at her. When you see the neighbors peeking out, flash your boobs at them and scream "You want something to stare at?!!!" Scream a few obscenities at them as well. Completely ignore the fact that your oldest child has been awakened by the commotion and is crying in the doorway.

The neighbors will eventually call the police. When they arrest your husband, attack them and yell things about how you love him and why can't they just leave him alone.

You, OW, and WH spend the night in jail. Your children are taken in by Child Protective Services, as there are no sane adults left.

I'm not kidding you. This is pretty close to how the scenario could have played out if you weren't the sort of person who rises above the filth. I think that OW wanted your husband to come over just hoping for a confrontation like that. Whether your H ever pulls his head out of his fog long enough to see it or not, you know what sort of person you are and should value yourself for it.

On another note, there's a guy in Hampton Roads that will do a "lemon check" on a used vehicle for you. The name of his business was Lemon Busters or something that started with Lemon. It's well worth the cost to hire him or have a mechanic check out any car you consider.

Dobie

Dani,

Is ther a family liason office on base or another larger base close by? They an be very helpful.

Also about the family vehicles? Whose name/s are on the titles? You also need to bring that to the attention of his supieriors if they are in both names. If you name is on the title then you need to let his superiors know he left you without tranportation and why you need it.


Your DH behavior looks bad on his chief and the command so yeah they would rather it would go away or make you into the bad guy then deal with the fact that they cannot control you DH, adn his effect on his job and the morale of the crew.

Just a note... You need to let his command and evryone you deal with know the actions you have taken to aviod the situation that your DH got arested over. They need to know about your intermediary, and every effort to accomidate him to see his children etc.. The more you show how reasonable you have been the worse he will look.

Document, bring, copies of letters and emails, anything that will help you with your case.

((((((((((((Dani))))))))))) I'm sorry your WH is being such a b@stard, that sucks.

You totally did the RIGHT thing by calling the police....someone posted earlier that they don't know how many people could have just called the police and not open the door.

I don't know if I would have been able to...LOL, If my WH and the OW were on my porch...OMG, it would be ON!!! And then the neighbors would have to call the police and I'd be in jail LMAO

Tonight when I was walking to my car, from the grocery store (My WH's shop and the candy shop she manages are all in the same complex as the grocery store), and her car pulls out just as I'm almost over there....I held my hand up way high in the air and flipped her off....she may not have seen it, but I'm hoping she did.

I told my WH last night THE ONLY thing between me and the OW is him, so that b*tch better pray I don't become unhappy with him..........

So see, I tend to gravitate towards sinking to their level....which I know isn't right, and I actually don't think my WH would EVER go there with me.....he doesn't want me anywhere close to her.....he knows I could put the beat down on her LMAO.

But you did the right thing, you kept yourself above the fray, that was a noble and ladylike thing to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong>
I told my WH last night THE ONLY thing between me and the OW is him, so that b*tch better pray I don't become unhappy with him..........


-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, Caren, I wonder what the hell your husband would have to do to you and your family for you to be "unhappy" with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , you are a better person than I. Your WH is chosing to be with this OW, so while I can understand your anger towards the b*tch ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), it is just likely to eat you up girl. You are expending a lot of energy hating this woman, and that has to be exhausting.

LM