I ask this question because i'm strongly suspecting that there may have been some form of abuse in my wife's backround. I've suspected this for quite sometime. I'm not 100% sure of the sypmptoms, but here are a few.

1. she has little desire for intimacy
2. when intimate it's very limited
3. never wants me to touch her intimately in
private areas.
4. has an obligatory attitude toward intimacy
5. extremely controlling intimately to the point
of once even telling me if i want sex i'd
better ask for it.
6. every relationship she has had prior to our
marriage the person cheated on her.

Now i'm no sex therapist, but i do feel that something is going on here. I've mentioned to her about going to a sexual therapist, but she refuses. Needless to say this is really putting stress on our marriage. we've been married 6yrs. From a man's point of view we need the physical stimulation, thats how we are, and when one does not receive it, it can cause distance. Now my wife does have endometriosis, which may play a part in it, but i don't think that's all that's there. Someone correct me if i'm wrong.

Looking for answers

MyAdvocate,

I've already posted the following link on your other thread, but I will post it here as well:

For Sexual abuse survivors who are WS

The above link contains some usefull links on sexual child abuse and the effect of it on adults. Maybe those links will help you to find some answers. From your post I think sexual abuse in your W's childhood is possible, but of course only she is the one that can confirm that.

SUzet

^^Bump^^

MyAdvocate, I also want to add that sexual child abuse (and other types of child abuse and issues in childhood) often results in a low self-esteem and many other negative feelings. Abuse often has an effect on the minds and emotional stability of these people as grown ups and these things can create certain weaknesses & vulnerabilities that (IMHO) can make these people more vulnerable for an A. However, there is always hope! These personal issues & problems can be overcome and the survivors of child abuse can heal and take control of themselves and their lifes again (I've been there myself), but often it first requires a deep understanding of themselves and the help and guidance of a good professional therapist. Individual counseling is a must if abuse was sexual. You will get better insight and understanding if you read the thread I’ve posted yesterday.

I just want to make you aware that, according to all the symptoms you posted yesterday, it’s possible that your W was not necessarily abused, but in stead raised by a mother/parents who had a very negative attitude towards sex and imprinted these negative attitudes and feelings on your W while she was growing up. Maybe her mother/parents told her that sex is dirty; that a ‘good’ woman’ is not suppose to enjoy sex; that sex is just a obligation of a wife towards her H, etc. If this was the case, it can also explain your W’s current negative reaction and attitude towards sex. These attitudes and feelings can also be overcomed with the help and guidance of a sex therapist.

Hope this can help,
Suzet

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:14 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

My Advocate,

I’ve done some search on this topic and came up with the following insightful thread you can also take a look at:

Sexual abuse undermining marriage? Specifically pay attention to the last post on the 1st page of this thread. It will give more insight on how abuse can promote EA's/A's.

Also check out this thread: Was sexual abuse part of the affair?

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Yes, yes, and yes! (IMHO of course)

WH is on his second A and just now is discussing (and remembering, some) the sexual abuse he suffered at his mother's hands. (this really turns my stomach...)

And as a survivor myself, I concur. Actually this brings to mind visions of my BF whose Dad s.a.'d her twice while "sleep-walking" (no, seriously, this is how they explained it all away!!!) She is ending (we'll see!) a long term A w her BIL. There are many connections here.

I know for me, I felt like I was not allowed to enjoy SF. I would often disconnect form my body and not even consciously know why. Working on it, until this A, I actually was enjoying SF!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WH equates SF with love on some level (odd for a man), but it is a dysfunctional sort of way. Like he wants it,but on some level he is not allowed to enjoy it... am I making any sense at this point?

Orchid, babble check please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My h and I were sexually abused and it's sad how it really does affect relationships we have....
There was an awesome book I read well actually there are two.

The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz (great for men or women)

Victims no longer by Mike Lew (for male survivors)

Now for me since I've been in counseling for over a year, it at first it was counseling for my daughter but with talking to the counselor about marriage problems. H and I started going and I found I had a pattern of finding emotionally unavailable men. The great thing with my H is he is trying to be emotionally available to me. And I'm working on the trust issues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know for me, I felt like I was not allowed to enjoy SF. I would often disconnect form my body and not even consciously know why </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What Mama said here is a very common problem with people that were SA. In fact this is exactly what my H has said to me. In the Sexual Healing Journy there is a chapter where it asks questions on possible symptoms here are some that I know for my H;
I often have flashbacks to past sexual abuse during sex
I feel emotionally distant during sex
During sex sex my mind feels seperate from my body
I feel confused about how and when to be sexual
I feel addictively drawn to certain sexual behaviors
In sex, one person wins and one loses
sexual energy seems uncontrollable

because of the sa he feels:
confused about his sexuality (but has made progress)
blames himself for past abuse
he's damaged goods
there are things he's done sexually he'll never be able to forgive himself for (getting better on that too)

Being in therapy for it is really important so they know it's not their fault, help their self esteem, and know they aren't alone.

One other thing that has helped H is Louise L Hay's book You can heal your life

When SA has occured it's like that has to be dealt with first. I know for H he has a big problem with boundaries. there is a book out there but can't think of who it's by, anyone know?

Things in the marriage can get better while they are in therapy. I know for H and I our communication has gotten so much better. It's a process he goes to therapy twice a week, once alone and the other is marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Myadvocate, if your W was sa she will need to feel safe in order to talk. I've had quite a few friends that were sa and it was hell for them to admit to their spouse. But for them once they told it was a healing process of course with the help of a therapist

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

My,

I was asked to take a look at your thread. Seems like your W could use some good IC work, maybe even with a reputable sex therapist. I am not well versed in this particular area but you may want to work through your doctor your MC.

That will address former issues. WS/A issues are more than that. What is the recap in that arena?

As for babbling back.... I think that should wait until you get more clarification on her former issues.

IMHO (which is not a professional one), one's past may affect R's but not the cause of A's. It c/b a symptom but not one that needs focusing because of the A. Let me explain further.

If she is the WS, you have to treat her former issues separately than her A. The two may mix at a certain point but A's happen to people with the best and worst case scenarios. People stay faithful equally with the same odds for and against them.

Of course that is my own opinion. Being understanding may help and hurt. Depending on whether you are dealing with a WS or your W.

Trust seems to be a key element.... again a good MC can guide you.

Please look into doing phone counseling with Jennifer or Cerri @ MB. Another question s/b, does she seem to open up better with a male or female counselor? That could also make a difference.

take care,
L.